homeless, poor and its fuckin hot outside.. but we have eachother :)

I haven't even been in Fresno for two weeks and I feel like its been months. Rena and I were staying with Alli's parents in Clovis in a beautiful two story home with a pool. It was a wonderful situation with Alli still being in school we just looked for jobs and hung out by the pool while she was gone. Rena and I sat down with Alli's mom Marci the first night to know what was expected from us and what was expected was close to nothing. Rena and I got in a routine of picking up after ourselves, doing the dishes, helping with dinner and taking the trash out. After only a week Alli told us that her mom was frustrated with us and felt used. Rena and I being extremely grateful this whole time were horrified and embarrassed she had told Alli this. We stepped up our efforts only to hear more concerns that Marci had called Alli to complain about us. Rena, Alli and I were all confused about what we were doing to ever show the slightest disrespect. We didn't want to intrude and feel unwelcome, so we packed our bags.

Marci and Allan were shocked when we told them we were leaving. They honestly acted like little kids that had said nothing. It took awhile for them to even admit they were bothered with Rena's shoes in the laundry room and my towel on the floor in our room. Rena and I simply asked "Why couldn't you just tell us to pick up the shoes and the towel", they respond with "you should have known to do that". We explained what home is like for us, why we wanted to have a conversation in the first place about standards and rules of the house and how important communication was. They didn't have much to say, I was proud of Rena and I on how well we handle the situation and expressed our dislikes with how the Suvanto's handle the entire ordeal.

I felt like Rena and I were the adults teaching kids how to communicate. It so absolutely important to know how to communicate for any relationship to work, whether it be a friendship, relationship, family or boss. They were quite receptive to what we said and asked us to stay, but we kindly declined knowing that this family had an awkward way of working that wasn't anything close to what Rena and I came from. It's interesting to me how norms of different family's can be so different and even though I'm only a state away from home, I feel farther and farther away from it every day.

So we were homeless but luckily Alli's amazing friend Enrique has taken us in. He is very clean for a guy and lives super close to KKG. He's pretty rad to take Rena, me and our mound of shit into his apartment. After being here for two weeks Rena and I have quickly found who are the people we like to be around. The past couple days has been lots of beer pong, 4 binger (new game we love) and Rena shot gunning beers. I have picked up a new hobby of picking up beer cans and volunteering to take them off the owners hand, yes I'm that poor. I think the drinking has caught up with me, I'm suffering from an outrageously sore throat. I hope its not strep throat.

On a happier note Rena and I made a deLISH dinner tonight, sat on the floor and used Allis long board as a table as we listened to sermons online. Although we are homeless, poor and can't go outside because its 105 degrees, we know what we want and need this summer. Most of all we are happy and content, we are taking the challenges head on and smiling because we have each other.

Picking up the pieces

This past month has been quite easy for me to cut off what has only hurt me. I hardly ever think about it because there is nothing positive to remember. The few times he came across my mind were unwanted and train of thought was quickly changed.
I think its quite beautiful how some people come into our lives a certain times. Rena told me that her friend Riley was going through a situation with his girlfriend that reminded her a lot of what I went through. They skype all the time and he asked her if he could talk to me about it, seeming how I went through it. I had talked to Riley with Rena a few times before, and what I knew of him so far was that he was a person similar to me in the sense of our love for people and life. Our talk on skype started fine, everything he expressed to me, down to the details was everything I had experienced. Watching him express his confusion, I felt myself being taken back. The more questions he asked the more I realized how much I had already repressed memory's and emotions that went with the relationship. When he asked me questions I had to rack my brain for a moment to remember what exactly happened so I could explain to him. I began asking him questions like "does your heart hurt constantly?", and when he explained how he was feeling, that he felt so confused, that she had manipulated him to think he was crazy and over reacting, yet his heart was telling him something different. Sitting here on the computer staring at a stranger express to me how cut he was, brought back unwanted emotions. It broke me to hear that someone was going down the same road that I was on not long ago. It took some big road signs and bumpy detours to finally get off that road and I would never wish that on anyone to feel what I did. Riley reminds me a lot of myself in many other ways and I think its amazing when people come into your life, even only for a moment and changes everything...

I didn't think much about the conversation him and I had and I put those emotions back in the locked part of my heart, so I thought. Later that day Rena and I headed to Kappa with Alli and got ready for a needed night of drinking. I must of had a lot building on my subconscious, because the alcohol sure let it out. We went to the phrats and Alli kept introducing us to tons of people, Rena and I found a beer pong set up and that was the end of it. Although I was having fun myself, I was so sick of the ignorance and immaturity that I was experiencing around me. It wasn't like I expecting much anyway, but for some reason I was enraged. College boys being college boys at a party came up to me through out the night and everything they had to say was complete stupidity. An easy way to start conversation was the fact I was was Oregon, and although Oregon borders California everyone acted as though I was from a different country. At first the sterotypes were funny, but after awhile I blew up. I had no respect for these people and I acted on it, BADLY.

The next day Alli confronted me about it and I was confused myself why I acted the way I did and apologized genuinely. Blame it on the al al al al alcohol baby!! We laughed it off and prepared ourselves for an event one of the phrats was putting on at the local water park. I told Alli I was going to try hard to just not express my opinions, there was no need. I the way to the water park, sitting on the bus, we were surrounded by phrat boys that kept saying "thats gay" and making fun of Rena for being from Canada, which really bothered me. I didn't say much, but after getting through that bus ride I felt strong for the rest of the day. After a few beers and a round of volleyball the boys started to grow on me. I was having good time and appreciated their fun loving attitude on the day. Most of the day was quite wonderful, it wasn't until more people showed up and my beer drunk faded that something happened to me, that I have never felt.
I decided to lay in the shade and relax while Rena and Alli went on more rides. As I lay there listening to everyone talk around me, this wave of anger came over and completely took over. My anxiety kicked in and my heart hurt. Suddenly I hated where I was and felt incredibly homesick. The girls were talking shit about each other, consisting of so and so going to formal with so and so. That they were so drunk last night that she made out with so and so. The guys talking about getting drunk. All these things are things I talk about, but I knew that this is all these people had to offer to the world. They were all so surface and lost in my eyes. Now that I look back on it, this anger that had engulfed me, honestly was like something was taking over my body that was beyond my control, it was something I had never experienced. It is not me at all to be a mean person, even when I don't care for someone of something. In this case it was much different. I instantly wanted to leave and let Alli know exactly why in front of everyone. I humiliated her and myself doing so, letting everyone feel I was better then them. I honestly didn't care what these people thought of me, because I felt they were a waste of my time. On the bus ride back, I knew what I had done was uncalled for and wrong, but I still didn't care. I let Rena explain to me why Alli was upset and didn't say a word. I knew what she was going to say and I knew that it was all true. What I didn't know was why I had acted the way I did, why I was so hateful and why I didn't care. When Rena said "Claire this isn't you", it kind of came to me. These people who had no substance and extremely superficial were the exact people that I was compared to by the ex and the type of person he had become. The exact type of girls that made his eyes wander and the guy friends who cared nothing about him other then who he was. The boy I fell in love what was nothing like what he is today and I guess I carry a lot of confusion and anger with me because of that.

I guess its a silly time to learning how to swim when you start to drown. Not dealing with what cuts us deep, takes us deeper into sadness eventually and take it out on those who care about us most. I am so grateful to have two people in my life that have obviously been put here for a reason. There are no two people in this world that are more understanding and patient with me then Alli and Rena. I will get through this, I will let go, I will forgive, I will love. I have to remember it's ok miss someone, it's to be weak sometimes and it's ok not understand love.

I could easily blame him and just not care like I have. But I will embrace this growth, I will be the person I know I am who loves people and loves life. Who isn't negative or bitter. How I will get there will take time, effort and my best friends, but I will get there.

No boys need apply, men only

I know it's a mix of anger and bitterness, but I have to get this out.

I am so sick of guys who are so incredibly surface, in personality, thought, beliefs, ideas, morals and most importantly.. LOOKS. It honestly disgusts me. First of all I absolutely hate it when guys call a girl "hott". A girl that's "hott" is Jessica Simpson or Pamula Anderson, girls with absolutely no substance and only boobs and a fit body to offer. On the other hand calling a girl pretty or cute implies more of an appreciation of how they present themselves as opposed to "I would love to fuck her". You BOYS think you're so clever too. Like you're going to sweep us off our feet with your pathetic charm. Here are a few examples..

-A guy I know from camp messages my friend Nancy (he doesn't know her) who yes, is attractive flirting with her saying shes hott blah blah blah, like shes going to drop everything because he finds her fuckable. So I am obviously friends with him on facebook to look at pictures of me and my friends.. ummm... deleted.

-This guy I have studied with a few times invites me out for his birthday, innocent, friendly gesture I thought, but he then confesses his love for me and I ask him why he likes me and I get "because you are the hottest fuckin girl ever". So charming!!

-My favorite is when I'm hanging out with a guy friend and their lame friends ask me "Hey Claire, do you have any hott friends?" Like oh, yea, you definitely deserve the presence of my friends. I'm definitely here to just auction off my friends to worthless pieces of crap like you, that ask for my "hott" friends because going back to the definition of the word, you really only want to fuck them. You don't want to know who they are, have a conversation or ever know their last name. Lets be serious.

There is so much more to me then a cute face and nice butt. I'm so tired of being looked at as prey. I have a brain, I value my intelligence, my morals, my beliefs, my family and friends. I don't find myself overly beautiful personally, but sometimes I wish I was more plain, because maybe then I would attract MEN (not boys) that respect women in all ways, for their beauty, mind and heart. There are definitely girls out there who ask for this type of negative attention by how they behave, dress and talk. But boys do not judge a book by its cover. There are plenty of us girls out there that happen to be pretty AND smart at the same time. What a damn concept?!

when one door closes another opens..

Leaving to the airport on May 2nd my anxiety took over, I was actually leaving Portland and it finally became real. As soon as the plane left the ground the tears came, it was quite symbolic that when the plane fly past downtown, over Northeast Portland, Mt. Tabour, Southeast and knowing that Mt. Hood was visible on the other side of the plane. Every part of Portland that the plane pasted over flooded my mind with memories from the past three years at Portland State. I felt content with my experiences and lessons learned. I was happy the people I had in my life and I knew that they would be there when I return. The tears were mainly me letting go of the relationship that I was leaving behind that was truly the end. I stopped trying to make sense of something that was never going to make sense. My heart hurt for him one last time and as the plane got closer to the clouds and Portland began to fade, so did the emotions and I fell asleep. Waking up to the announcement that we were about to land in Long Beach felt empty. It wasn't until I saw my family and felt the warm air that I felt my choice was the right one.
My best friend since 8th grade, miss Nancy Tolman had a lot to do with my choice of leaving Portland during my last trip to Huntington Beach a month earlier. Her and I had a big talk during that time about all my worries and need for change after a night of drinking on Newport Beach. In our clothes from the night before, tights and all, sitting in the sand we cried and hugged. We went back to the same spot on May 4th and smiled in content. It was quite healing.
May 5th was the day Rena, Alli and I would reunite. My dad found a car for me to use for the summer, an old toyota, but a car is a car! He packed me a cooler of food and made me promise I would call every hour as I drove to Fresno. It's only a 4 hour drive, but I am a daddys girl, and he sure does worry. As i drove to Fresno, it made me happy to think of Rena headed to the same place on the plane. Our reunion was perfection and so will our summer :)