9.30.2010

Cherish the unexpected

You know those moments.. that makes you feel.. real. Alive. Breathing. Feel.. human?

Different for everyone. Mine. Well I cherish them. You know what I mean. A break up that hurts sooo deep that you cry for days, or even months. You wake up in the morning and realize that person you loved is really gone. It hurts, it hurts in ways you didn't know it could. Nothing will ever be the same. Bed is my only refuge, you don't want to feel this, but really.. you actually do. You get drunk or call your best friend and she tells you you'll be ok and you don't believe her. You call him in you weakest moments, you hate yourself. Insecurity makes you do things out of character, you think "I'm not this person". You convince yourself that you can be friends, he needs you, you need him. But really this isn't going anywhere so you do something to distract yourself, next thing you know you're running half marathons or almost fluent in french.
 --> But then.. one day. you're.. ok. The sun shines again.
You look back and realize those moments.. are what make you know you're alive. Real. A creature of emotion and strength. Not just a body of cells going through the motions.

..On the flip side. Beautiful moments. Maybe that year you worked at Whistler or that one summer you went to Maryland. You fell in love, felt careless and genuinely happy. You did something you loved, stepped outside of your comfort zone, learned something, felt.. proud of yourself. Yes I'm here because of me.. and I deserve it. You helped people. They told you.. that.. you changed their life. What? I'm important to someone that is important to me? You have your first tears of happiness, this really exists? This isn't just Hollywood. You don't think it can get better.. but then.. it does. How did I get this lucky. You met soul mates, not just the romantic kind. You find yourself catching fire flys at dusk and watching you're first lighting storm. Someone takes your hand and says I love you, not wanting anything in exchange. Your heart is bursting with joy.
 -->But then.. reality calls
You find yourself getting ready for bed and itunes plays a song that makes you feel nostalgic. It hurts.. I miss.. those times of feelings real. Pain or joy.

So then I find myself blogging way past my bedtime. Cherishing pain and joy. Those emotions that make us real, and point in the direction of something greater then we will ever be able to explain.

Cherish them.

9.26.2010

The best decision of my life

 FYI: you wont get a majority of this is you weren't a camp counselor.. but you most likely will appreciate the story..

One night in the winter of 2005 I researched some summer jobs that involved something with horses and I stumbled upon being a camp counselor.. applied.. and got the job.
Best decision of my life.
In the three summers I was a camp counselor I have met people from all over the world, impacted numerous young minds and had amazing summers free of alcohol as a tool of fun. People who decide to become a camp counselor are a breed of their own. We are usually outgoing, well traveled, happy souls who loves kids. To be surrounded by people of this type for summer at a time is just what the heart needs. I have learned so much about myself and life for that matter by such an under-rated summer job. I realize that doing something for others is most rewarding, that when I show love and respect to a child, their trust and admiration is more genuine because of there innocence. To this day I keep in touch with almost everyone I was close to from every year of camp. It's such a special friendship, most of my camp friends being from different countrys, time differences and long distance charges keep us from being up to date on every aspect of each others lives, but still after 6 months to even a year of not talking, if someone is in town, they are as good as family. I guess we understand each other on a different level. No one else understands what "purple" really means, the words to the moose song, creativity of the use of duck tape or the value of sharpy's. living in close quarters is on a different level and so is being dirty. The appreciation of a good meal and coffee for that matter humbles us. Camp is like a bubble, 140 camp counselors, eating, sleeping, working and playing with in a few square miles, you become closer to someone a lot faster then any other situation. We all are here for the same reason, doing the same thing, all from different places in the world and all we have is each other.
We wake up at 6am, go to staff meeting, half awake listen to the weather for that day and things to be aware of. We Laugh at silly praises such as bobby saving me from burning down the dining hall and rolling our eyes when Kari asks for another prayer for her mom's cousin's friend's dog. The specialty staff heads down to the barn, ropes course or waterfront to prepare for the day while the cabin counselors somehow find a genuine love for flag pole every morning and turn their kids into superheros or pirates using beach towels and face paint. Meals are always interesting, 600 people in one building, eating at the same time, not to mention singing is almost equivalent to a cup of coffee, almost. My days at camp usually consisted of teaching fitness, spicing it up with Ben or Brandi with some neon spandex and dancing our way into "x-treme fitness". Followed by convincing my little JV campers how to ride a horse and that the horse isn't going to bit them, kick them, run off or flat out not like them. After I put our petrified 8 year old on our close to dead horse (M&M) that barely walks, she feels more comfortable and is happy as a calm at the end of the lesson, thinking she rode a horse when really M&M is a 35 year old horse that wants nothing more then to walk in a circle and never go any faster. The rest of the day is usually at the barn, cleaning stalls, teaching lessons, leading trail rides and riding horses that need a talking to. Evening programs are the best part of the day, night time brings cool weather and this is when the kids go crazy. Capture the flag, dances, staff basketball games, skits or the weekly dance party. When evening programs are over we head back to our cabins, brushing teeth and putting on PJ's seems to be rocket science with older girls when all they want to do is talk about boys, eat candy and sit in everyones bed accept their own. Most of the time they manage to figure it out, and we finish the day with "happys and crappys" (something you loved about the day, you didnt like and another loved about the day).
and that's just the camp part of it. Weekends off with the rest of the counselors meant going to New York City, Baltimore or Philadelphia, then coming back to camp to have a bon fire on the Chesapeke Bay and falling asleep on the beach. Beautiful summers.
Then.. 
This photo was taken in the summer of 2007. After camp ended a group of us went to Florida: Sweden, Scotland, New Zealand, Germany, Australia, Canada and America all represented under one roof. Then a few months later being inspired by these amazing people, I left the country for the first time.. and my life has never been the same. Travel is something that is and will forever be at the top of my list. I owe so much to River Way Ranch Camp and Sandy Hill Camp for making me the person I am and giving me opportunity's and "memories and friendships to last a lifetime".
I sit here reminiscing about something that is my past, but now so much of my future. The places I have gone, people I have met, the best friends I obtained, passions I discovered and qualitys I've acquired, are all linked to these summers. *Grateful

9.17.2010

playing with my creative side.. if that exists

I bought an adorable skirt at a recycled clothing store for only $8, I find myself loving a lot of old lady clothes. Some of my favorite clothes are from estate sales. Nothing like a cute and comfy sweater or a loose fitted blouse. Well the skirt was of course an old lady brand and was just past the knees, in need of a major hem. My mom can do all that stuffff and hemmed all my jeans throughout my youth, I took it to her.
Being a mom, she made me do it, as she walked me through it. I use to know all the in's and out's of the sewing machine and simple hand stitching from when I was 14, yes 14. My freshman year of high school I went to Fountain Valley High School in good ol Orange county California. For an elective I took a class called "Fashion Technology", only in California right? But we all were assigned a sewing machine and learned the basics. I remember that our final was to design a line with one featured and three additional. I was very confused at who I was at that age, I was a punk rock listening, horse riding, track running, wanna be rebel child. To say the least, quite awkward. For this "line" I chose a punk theme.
Learning to sew is on my bucket list and hemming my skirt the other day has inspired me. I'm sure my obsession with Project Runway has added to my inspiration as well.. haha. I bought an easy pattern today, I'm not sure how I feel about the fabric I chose but we'll see how it turns out!