Sunday Outing

On Tuesday morning's Lacey and I typically go to World Cup Cafe both picking up Opal the toddler and eating at our favorite sushi place. We drink coffee, read books, journal and flip through the Willamette Weekly, in that it is released on Tuesday's. Portland staying true to it's quirky nature advertised that "The International Cat" show would be coming to town the upcoming weekend. We immediately rallied our friends and made an appearance to this weird and awesome event.
We saw Maine Coons, Balinese, Pixie Bobs and Minx. Mullets, rat tails and bad perms. Cat tents, cat shirts and cat paintings. All sorts of wonderful sights. They even had free cake and coffee. My need for a cat has now been amplified, but it was quite the wonderful awkward, cat filled Sunday. Thanks for keeping it real Portland.

fire

I woke up this morning a little differently than lately.
I didn't fall back asleep three or four times before facing the cruel world that I seem to be living in resent months. I kept my eyes open, threw open my curtains, laid in bed staring at the surprisingly sunny winter morning outside my window and instantly realized I still have my fire. As though I came to a breaking point of beatings, in which made the pendulum swing back the other way.

My fire.
It's what has me obsessed with travel, learning, loving, moving. It's what attaches me to others I find that have fire. It's all of who I am. I have never been in a place in my life where I'm not stimulated through a variety of outlets. I have always been in school, working and at least 2-4 extracurriculars. I thrive in controlled chaos and constant movement, as said many times in this blog, change is my happy place. But then I graduated. However I always had nannying to fall back on for a in-between job till nursing school, and that I did. So returning home from traveling I didn't doubt I would once again have nannying to fall back on. Wrong. It's as though someone let the secret out and everyone and their mom (literally) is chasing a nanny gig. Or someone has it out for me and is sabotaging me by telling every nanny seeking family that I eat babies for breakfast and toddlers for dinner. Or somehow there was a huge generation of kids that suddenly made it to school age and those pervious nannies are back in the market for a job. It has to be something in that the balance of nanny to family ratio is totally off. SOMETHING.

At this point in my life I really have nothing to offer the job market. My serving experience is limited to three months of opening wine bottles, plate balancing and chatting with older, small town Australian couples. My retail experience while broad, is very much a part of my life when I could handle whoring myself out to unruly brand hungry, customers. Oh and that bachelors degree I obtained? Only a piece of paper to cut my time in nursing school in half. So basically worthless for seeking a current job. $40,000 well spent. But I have had nannying. Five years of experience and on top of actual nanny experience-- camp counselor, volunteering, first aid trained, ABA trained, CPR trained, the list goes on. And it was rewarding, not to mention forever changing.

This morning I woke up with beautiful surrender. I'm letting the universe have it's way. This is not to be confused with giving up. I'm just going to stop making things go in the direction I think they should. I'm going to do everything I can to find a fucking job. But in between emails and interviews, I'm chasing the original source that has put me in a place of constant stimulation. My fire, my drive, my passion and the devoted love I have for my rare independence.

Sunday

I'm looking for a word..

I'm searching for the word.
Maybe you can help me?
One word that defines how I live,
why I do what I do
and the other beings I meet that share this some what of a rarity with me.

I'm a human of constant movement, movement in terms of self. Always searching for understanding. Understanding friendship, love, emotions, drive, career, the list goes on. I thrive on learning, like real life learning. Pain or happiness, both are the essential sources of this pattern. I believe I feel deeper than most, in a positive and negative way, but in the end its mostly positive that I do. I'm very much in my head which makes things more complicated than they need to be for the most part. I believe or society teaches us that we can always change something about ourselves, that if you experience self acceptance, theres something wrong with you. You're cocky, a bitch, over confident. That if you're not saying you're not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, something enough-- you're delusional.
So what is my word? Something along the lines of a seeker, something that doesn't have an end point. Full of emotion and constantly moving. I'm going to find it.

"What is that word.."

-Drew Baylor

oh hi 2012

Last night was a Misty night.
I've blogged about these occurrences before. If you're a faithful freebirdclaire reader, you'll recall what it means that I got to spend an evening with Misty. But more likely, you're a random, reading this random blog, so long story short Misty and I have been friends since we were five, rendezvous at PSU for college life, coincidentally both on the path of a career focused around medicine. Mine becoming a nurse and hers becoming a doctor. Therefore leaving me to only a handful of times a year I get to really spend time with Misty (in between terms when she's not working hard at her perfect GPA, med school resume and MCAT prep). So tonight was a rare occasion I got some heart time with this lovely soul and something that stuck out tonight..

"I'm doing what makes me feel me,

 that gives me understanding 

and a sense of being on top of the world"

This was brought up in a midst of a conversation about people in our lives accepting you for who you are. Misty comes from a family of farmers in middle of no where Oregon. So pursuing medicine can be confusing for people close to her at times. But this really resonated with me because I feel the same criticism for the opposite, that I am taking time off from pursuing what I thought made me whole (and still very well may be that). To be honest, the biggest critic is probably myself and any input from other people on this choice that even resembles some hesitation to my decision, really eats at me. As if I have to convince them and in turn convincing myself that I am making the right decision and chasing what makes me feel on top of the world right now. In the past five years I have put so much self worth into becoming a nurse, that now I cant help like feel like a bit lost. However I know I'm doing the right thing. It's all a bit confusing I know.

Lacey and I were watching The Devil Wears Prada last night as we reheated our leftovers and snuggled under a blanket in our ancient house that refuses to stay warm. As we watched Anne Hathaway bend over backwards to make it big in New York City, Lacey giggled and said "It's funny to watch movies like this, watching women our age chasing after their dream career, willing to destroy their personal lives for it, and you and I are nannies". Lacey shares the same "in the mean time job as me" and I envy her ability to be SO much "in the mean time". Why am I so affected by what society tells me is the "correct" way to live in only this part of my life? I'm really good with doing my own thing in every other genre of typical social life paths, except this one. Yet I'm positive I'm where I'm suppose to be right now. This is my current challenge, letting my self worth rest purely on.. me.