Graduate college: Check

This morning I woke up at my body clock time: 7am. The time that my body has instilled after 9 months of 20 credits of tedious social science classes, biology classes that alone make me want to cry, 20 hours a week of owning up to the job title as "nanny" and trying to squeeze the logistics of being an adult with in it all. But this morning I woke up and.. and.. I rolled over and said no. No we don't have to do this anymore well trained body, there are no tests to get up and study for, no papers we need to finish.. we are done. It feels so good, to finally be done. It only took 6 years to graduate but I'm reassured with that decision having visited 9 countries, experiences under my belt that school would not have presented me otherwise and descent grades to leave PSU with.

This morning I can finally allow creativity back into my heart and soul. I can dust off the journal, my photos, sewing machine and books and finally reacquaint myself with the opposite side of my brain. Where I'm living this summer is a little ironic and a tad symbolic. I lived at SW Columbia with my friend and room mate Lyndsey for my Junior and (what should of been) my Senior year's of college. Through ASPSU (PSU student government) I met her then and current boyfriend Ethan who I shared the adventures of decision making and advocacy via college and a youthful eager heart. I moved in with Lyndsey on a acquaintance basis and two years later I had an amazing friend. Lyndsey and Ethan now live together at SW Columbia and my room has acted as guest room. For this summer I was looking for somewhere dirt cheap to live in order to take off into the world in the Fall. With out even blinking Lyndsey offered my old room to me for a rent price I couldn't pass on. I was honestly a bit apprehensive only because I have had a lot of emotionally deep experiences linked to this apartment and this room. I dated my boyfriend of 3 years almost the whole time I lived there and a lot of memories of my early years of college linked to this place I once laid my head. You know what I mean? I was afraid I would wake up and find myself living in the past, haunted with nostalgia. However I accepted Lyndsey's generous offer and here I am living in my old room I occupied 2007-2009. Yesterday I woke up at 5am and walked to school to study before my last final. That walk I had done hundred's of times. The sun was rising, no one was out, the smell of summer in the air and I definitely teared up for a moment. A walk that I had done so many times and to now walking it for the last time. I thought of the person I was when I had done this walk the first time, the things I would have been thinking about, doing later that day and settled in that moment of growth. Oh rites of passage.
Besides that moment, no sense of heart tugging nostalgia has snaked into my heart, no regrets, no overflow of memories, just peace in relation to SW Columbia. I look back, smile, feel grateful of the life I have lived and turn forward even more excited to move on. *sighh. Queen of nostalgia is absent of..well.. nostalgia in a place that I thought would inevitable overwhelm me with such. Ah freebird..

Heres some photos of my new digs..

and this photo was taken when Lyns and I lived together.. in this same apartment back in 2008. I'd say things haven't change in the sense of our friendship..

change of plans

I opened a travel savings account.  I just don't know how to not travel. I'm thinking about going south. 

So this is whats up.. winter term was HELL. Two hard biology classes (Anatomy and Physiology and Microbiology) in one term and throw work in with that and it was quite stressful. It wasn't until spring break that I truly realized why this term was so hard on me...So as you all know, I want to be nurse for so many reasons and none of them being prestige, money or intellectual status. I have met some solid people in my pre-req classes that I have continued to be a part of my life, bonding over the painful amount of hours dedicated to get that damn A. Misery loves company right? I do love science, everything it stands for and the means to an end of the hard work I put into my GPA. I am positive I have chosen the right path for me and excited for my future. But something was different this term, probably an accumulation of this built up pressure and the right circumstances to bring this underlying feeling to the table. Although I found my rocks within my department, I was also being influenced unknowingly by the majority. The majority being those who have seem to forget why we chose the health field in the first place.  My typical week this term:

Tuesday A&P: get our midterm's back.. 

"Hey Claire how did you do?" 

"Hey Claire how did you do?" 

-Yea I did alright I got a 38 so that's a B+ with the curve, I'm happy with that. How did you do?

"I did ok"

-Whatever *one I wont name* you know the material inside and out. How did you not get an A?

"I got 44"

-That's an A+ with the curve..

Wednesday: lab..

Take the quiz, TA goes over the answers, I disagree with an answer.. 

"Sarah I put optic tract, not optic nerve because of where you placed the pin."

-Hmm I can see why that would be confusing, I'll give you a half point..

*lame OHSU snob gives his two cents* "ITS OPTIC NERVE because of the virtually none existent bundle, it says so in some random book I read that isn't required for this class because I like to show off in front of my classmates"

Wednesday study group

"You eat a lot"

-yea *munching my carrots.. food keeps my brain power up for studying, hey *another one I won't name* you should never say that to a girl by the way.

"Claire you got accepted to nursing school?!"

-yea! 

"where?"

-University of Maine

"ohhhh, whats their program like?"

-small,  but accredited and a new hospital!

"hmmmm" *adjusts in seat awkwardly. "Why didn't you apply in Oregon?"

-because its really competitive and I probably wont get in, plus it's a good excuse to live somewhere else for awhile.

"So you're telling me you don't want to go to OHSU?"

-correct

"Oh" *baffled look

Fuck em. All of them. I' m not an A student, but I work hard and I'm going into this field because..

I want to effin help people

I'm so sick of the people I have been surrounded by that ultimately just care about grades, the best program and the best entitled job they can land. Who are brutal to each other by public ridicule and worse, questioning each others intellect and deserving of being a biology major. Instead of being excited about the fact that I got accepted to nursing school, the responses from these people were "oh" because it wasn't in the top 10 best nursing school in the country. I lost my passion a tad because of this and its time to rediscover it so I can go into nursing school passionate, excited, full of positive energy and love in my heart.

So here's the curve ball..

I have deferred from University of Maine till next May.

I happened to land an awesome, well paying, full time job as a nanny this summer.

I have an amazing friend that is going to let my rent her spare room for dirt cheap.

I can potentially and hopefully save close to 5 grand by September.

I am shopping for my ticket to central America followed by New Zealand!!

YUP :)

annoying university student #29

This annoys me beyond belief..

That person that goes out of their way to cover up their tests answers. I'm not annoyed because I want to copy you, I'm annoyed because it's an obvious sign of ego mania, stuck up and pretentious biology nerd (the uncool kind). If I were going to copy someone (which I would seriously never because academic dishonesty is NO joke), BUT if I would I wouldn't copy from you because you probably aren't that smart if you actually think people are trying THAT hard to copy your answers, you're kidding yourself.
......PS your three perfectly sharpened number 2 pencils, two erasers and brand new calculator occupying your entire desk space, is almost as annoying as you alone. Any person that actually feels like they actually might need three pencils and two erasers to take a 50 question test, should probably reevaluate how they actually go about taking this exam

Theres a few types..
- The type that JUST covers up their answers on the scantron with their calculator, test, arm etc. But it's not the whole scantron, its just the black bubbles, delicately covered up with a perfectly alined corner of an exam.
- The person that checks their answers by using their exam to cover up the bottom half of the scantron and using their hand to cover the top answers as they move in harmony down the 882-E green rectangle.
- When waiting in line to turn in their exam they wait in the corner, test held tight against their stomach, moving sideways against the wall until test-turn-in destination is met. Obviously this person thinks they have succeeded at a perfect score and not only does everyone know it in class, but if they give an opportunity, they will be tackled to the ground.
-By far the most obnoxious is Biology lab. When we rotate every 2 minutes and when finished you turn around facing the class room. Normal people hold their test sheet down by their side or look at their answers to check spelling, but the obnoxious biology nerd plasters the sheet of paper to their chest shoulders back, head high, eyes straight, with both hands covering every inch of the back side of the paper incase someone in the class can see through matter. This person usually answers their question with in 10 seconds and stands proud, hands on chest so tight that I assume they'll collapse if they move their firm grip.

Ps.. For kicks and giggles.. you definitely got #43 wrong. It's specialized transduction not generalized... idiot.

taking it in..

University of Maine nursing school called this morning (at 6am)..

I was accepted.

oh hey regret, I knew you'd come around

This was suppose to be just a redo of a single class. A simple easier round two. But instead it has been a material reminder of failure, regret and static behavior. In turn amplifying other confusions unrelated to biology and to sum it it up, a big UGH.
January 5th I went diving under my bed to pull out my enmorous box of the dreadful left overs. All the remains of every science class that decides my future of being a nurse, or not. Saved exams, quizzes, flash cards, midterm reviews, diagrams, notes and notes upon notes waited for me. I sorted out all the winter term anatomy and physiology documentation into piles of old exams, notes, lab stuff and personal notes. I took notice of the amount of paper and taking advantage of no one being home, I bawled. I cried like a fucking baby. To put so much work into something only for it to mean nothing, to do it all over again.
Ok so I'm retaking this one class because I got a C in it, why? Break-ups aren't exactly a piece of cake and happen to effect my grades. How could I let something effect me like that? It was two years ago when that relationship ended- its now two years later I'm retaking A&P 302 which I was taking during that time hardship and its two years later, I feel similar emotions. Two years later, I moved on from that relationship, I dated someone else, traveled and lived in a different country for 6 months, made new friends, kept old ones, lived with my best friends on a dime, continued to do what I loved and discovered new ones. Yet I find myself feeling like I took 7 steps backwards. I feel like I didn't learn a damn thing.

Symbolism is a silly thing

If my metaphors haven't sunk in by now this isn't necessarily about the actual retaking of this one class, it just happens to be a physically existing piece of my life that happen to be a monumental one. This is me doing what I do, comparing and contrasting the past and present. The result? Not impressed two years later, I made some stupid decisions. I sit here two years later feeling like I didn't learn a single thing when it comes to relationships. Humans, what poorly made creatures when it comes to emotions. I think I do an ok job with the "would of, should of, could of's" and not to dwell on them, because I do believe life happens how its suppose to whether it plays out one way or another. Going about the approach to life is the challenge..

January 10th the regret got the better of me. Regret beyond the most detrimental emotion to exist and brought me to throw the towel in, give up, game over, no more, I'm done. I had a few that decided to pick up that towel and hand it back to me..

David
Carly
Allison
Rena
Misty
Lyndsey

Thank you for recently saving my sanity.

January 12th
One success, phenomenal friends they never fail me.
Now how to face.. regret.

Forever a college student

Hey, remember when facebook was only for college students, before your grandma could get one and not even community college student could have it, straight up university? I remember being STOKED that I could finally get rid of oh so uncool myspace and have facebook because I WAS A REAL UNIVERSITY STUDENT. I enjoy that I look back to my very first album on facebook being my first year at PSU, and 69 photo albums later I write this blog and realize facebook is the holder of my college experience.. I like that.

I choose PSU because I didn't want the typical state school, Greek life, where your school is your life. I wanted a more liberal school where I could meet people with similar interests to mine, that was in a city, but not like God forsaken So-Cal from where I was coming. I moved to Portland knowing one person, Misty who is ironically still conquering school with me. But now, after 4 years, I have created quite a life for myself. Joining student groups was the first thing I did, and one of the better choices I have made in my life thus far. We would register people to vote, educate people on climate change, go to leadership workshops and when we reached our goal we would get drunk and talk politics. Amazing.

Taking time off to travel was the best thing I could have done for myself for numerous reasons. But in the sense of school, I feel re-energized and decided I'm close to graduating, might as well. So nowwww my plan is to graduate Spring 2011 with a bachelors in social science and minor in photography,also all my nursing school pre-reqs in which I will then head to whatever nursing school wants me the following Fall. When my friends older then me started to graduate, I was like, wow college is coming to an end, then everyone my age graduated and NOW my younger friends and fellow 5 year seniors are graduated. I attended the graduation partys drank the champagne and I felt really old. Although I'm finishing last, I smile at my time at PSU, and the reflection process is in full swing..

Don't get me wrong, I definitely was educating myself on a mass amount of issues, but I was also taking part in the stupidity of a young college student. I lived in the dorms, I did kegs stands, I kissed boys I shouldn't have, I snuck into bars, I got drunk a lot and the result? I swam in fountains, snowboarded down stairs, built beer can towers in front of churches, yelled obscenities, trespassed, obtained un-necessary scars, carried to bed. I'm surprised I didn't die to be honest, one example being our famous yuka tradition in the Dorms at good ol West Hall. After finals every term we filled this FOUR tubs full of yuka which is 4 bottles of coconut vodka, 4 bottles of lime vodka, lemons and limes, ice and four bags of sugar. This event was usually held in my room or Laken's and we charged for anyone who wanted a straw. There was usually around 15 of us and on the count of three we surrounded the tubs, stuck our straw in and drank until it was gone. Stupid? yes. Regret it? not at all.
I write this now, because I realize college for me, is over in the sense of growing up. Generally starting a new level of school and finishing it whether it be middle school, high school or college, is always looked at as a new chapter in life. After that being a career, marriage, having children, etc. Although I won't have the piece of paper stating I put enough sweat and blood into college until next year, I'm absolutely, completely and totally beyond the sense of accomplishment with the past four years on the level of learning, the type you don't get from books.

Misty is one of my really good friends, we've been friends since we were 5! I don't get to see her that much because shes pre-med, but when finals are done we have our typical coffee at the usual spot, Park Cafe. When finals near, I start harassing her and get super excited, its like a sister relationship where I'm the annoying little sister who looks up to the older one and just wants to hang out all the time. haha. This time around of catching up Misty told me something that resulted in this blog. Misty is a mentor at PSU and has a class of freshman. After having those students for a whole year she asked them on the last day "how have you changed since your first day at PSU?" One girls response was "nothing has changed since the length of my hair, I date the same guy, live in the same place, have the same job and I go to the same school". WOW.

College is what you make it, change and growth only happens if you allow it to. Sure I could have stayed in my comfort zone at home and attended the nearest state school and kept my high school friends close but thats not what I wanted. I wanted to live on my own, new people, new city, new life, anything but comfort. It is hard for me to understand those who literally choose to forever stay in that comfort zone. Who don't utilize their time being young and something that offers endless amounts of ideas, knowledge, new people and beer.. haha. It's an incredible feeling working hard towards a GOAL, not just going to school to get the piece of paper, because going to college is what everyone else is doing.

Sacrificing your social life, drinking way to much caffefine, studying HARD, take the exam, rock it and walk out feeling exhausted but the sense of accomplishment is a bit addictive. I study about 30-40 hours a week, hence why I dont have a job. I get good grades and never let anything get in the way of that. I finished my last sequence of Ed's Anatomy and Physiology class, which I can't describe the pain of his class. Getting a B is like getting an A++ in any other class. I managed to be a part of a rad study group this term, its nice to have some moral support in the difficulty for studying for the exams. On Tuesday after our final, Ed even found his way to our campus bar and had a drink with us :)
We celebrated for real on Friday to the end of the term with a much needed night out , I love my science kids. Yes we took a "team photo".. world meet your future health care professionals..

I will be DONE with science after this summer.. finally!