putting some roots down

I can't tell you how hard it is for me not to starting planning a travel adventure when things don't go my way. Like any person addicted to something that allows them to escape, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise, Jesus, traveling.. It comes in all forms really.

Of course the last three not physically bad for you, however they can be just as detrimental, if not more. It can be a round about game. Hidding your pain with glory of standing on the Great Wall of China or that framed photo with your arm around an orphan accenting that arm with a WWJD bracelet. But don't get me wrong, I don't think I have a real problem..
or maybe the fact that I think I don't have a problem, means I actually do? Either way, my point is that I'm trying to commit to something a little different. Instead of uprooting, I'm going to try to, root.
The options of moving, moving and moving I think I may just redirect. Instead of scurrying away to the east coast for nursing school, traveling yet again or simply running around Portland so fast I may as well be out of the country anyway, I'm actually going to try and put roots down. Of course, when people enter your life that tug at your heart a certain way, it makes that choice a little easier. But when the reality of those types of relationships arose, and their level of emotion and dubious nature I panicked.  Here's how my brain works every time, every freakin time..
"Nursing school?! YEA do that. Get away. Go change the world, you'll be too busy changing the world that you won't notice your heart is there. Go, go, go, do, do, do. AND even if love finds it way into your life you'll have so much going on that you'll be to preoccupied to notice it. WAIT, am I ready for school? I dunno. Ok job.. travel.. South America?! OR maybe random Europe? Teach English?!"

Claire. Stop it.

If you're going to go, you need to be going for the right reasons. I stressed that to myself when I left for Central America, however it ended up being an escape, but not on purpose. After that day of freak out, I really sat with the idea of staying for no other reason than to step outside my atypical comfort zone and really try to create a stable life for myself. I have had dozens different groups of friends in Portland in the past five years I've called this place home, and this time I want to really nurture the ones I feel worth it and let them grow. In other words, really give time to my Portland family.

Amazing lettering done by the one and only Bob.

one thread

..and just like that.
there's one thread left.
statistics say it will break,
yet I'll take a chance.
at the same time I'll watch from a far.
but not for long.

toothbrush

Waking up from a sleeping pill sedated sleep is always a weird experience. It takes longer than normal to come back to reality. I heard Lacey in our shared bathroom and decided to go say good morning as I half brushed my teeth half just appreciating her presence. Then, she gave me a sly smile and whispered, "Grady is here".

Grady and Hunter had been traveling in SE Asia for the past 5 months got back yesterday and sure enough I opened her door and there sat one tall, stupidly tan Grady wearing a Chang T-shirt. With my toothbrush still in my mouth, I gave him a huge hug. The three of us talked the morning away, coffee in hand, about travel, love and simply our lovely little lives we live. However mine somewhat painful at the moment, I love how life brings me change when I need it. Change that may in fact help with change of a different nature.

unusual comforts

One of those days.

Falling face first in your pillows, wrapping yourself in blankets and just sobbing. Allowing the white sheets to turn a dark shade with wetness, letting yourself feel all the turmoil in hopes that something will give. Of course the house is empty, but the dog finds me. He's not allowed in my room in which he normally obeys. But with no hesitation he walks into my room, nudges his way through the sheets acting as my barrier to the world and finds my tear stoked face in which he says I love you with slobber. Not skipping a beat he sits next to me and stares straight into my eyes as if to say.. 

"I'm sorry you're sad"

How has a dog perfected intuition to this extent?

Real life calls but after a cuddle with the ginger dog I feel somewhat prepared to switch into smiling hyper nanny mode. Dinner, baths, games and a chapter of Harry Potter, we finally reach bed time. As I goto turn off the light, Finley grabs my arm and says "I think you need a cuddle tonight, Claire". I choked back some touching tears and tell her she's right. Little Zach overhears the matter and jumps into Finley's bed, and next thing I know I have a little red head on my other arm. I tell them to tell me a bed time story which is about dogs, farts, police men and broccoli, which is absolutely perfect.

So one of those day. One of those days that hurt deep. However..

I'm thankful to be surrounded by the unusual forms of comfort, 

with unusual levels of intuition.
Also reminding me that my life is never not ironic.

music, sweet music

Goddamn it I demand to be your all.

Not your everything, but your all.

There’s a difference.

Not a rope, not a security blanket or that interesting print on your wall, but music. Sweet music. In other words, you could live without it, but it would be hard. 

I’m Goddamn music.

So turn up the volume.

sunsets

We all know don't we? We all know a sunset means something we can't describe. We all agree it's beautiful, peaceful and worth taking a moment for. There's not many of those things left. That a whole human race can agree on. Here I was in Oakland watching the sun set over San Francisco. Having left the bar at half time of the super bowl this day had an essence of importance already. The sun set today February 6th 2012 would mean a variety of things to people all over the world. The day someone they would love was born, the day someone the loved died, the day of the engagement or the day of the job. Maybe it was just the day the Giants won the superbowl, but for most, just another day.

I take this picture. Reflect on my purpose in being in San Fransisco in the first place, then observe another spectator taking a picture of this same shot with his white iphone, just like mine. I like the feel of that connection. Taking a moment from our busy lives that we have to stay connected to at all times via the internet and the various forms of constant communication. 

We all know don't we? 

That sunsets aren't only beautiful but scream some sort of symbolism to us. Today will never happen again, for good or evil. For better for worse. So the sun sets, my mind shifts and I make my way to the San Francisco Airport. Window seat as always, I evaluated my mood. Was I in a reading mood, watching Dexter mood, writing mood or listening to music and sleeping mood? It was a reading mood. We hadn’t even reached flight cruising altitude and I turned to a chapter titled “Instructions for Freedom” using sunsets and their symbolism.

I’m a person of fate, small or large circumstances. I don’t believe in coincidence, I believe in purposeful parallels. Call me widely optimistic, purpose hungry, naïve, typical soul searching twenty something- I don’t give a shit. I call it fate. Something that is very real in my life and should never be ignored.

“Instructions for Freedom” are ten observations of typical life hardships that can be helped with simply letting go. Using the idea of a sun setting (which actually happens every day) as a method of letting go unnecessary emotions. Guilt, regret, worry, anger are just a few that are meaningless, however difficult in simply.. letting go. Here's a few I liked..

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Let go.

8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.

The “Instructions of Freedom” also gave a reminder in the opposite corner of the ring, that even the most beautiful, happiest of things end at some point. That no matter how beautiful and perfect you believed that event, day, person to be, that time may be ending and turning into something else beautiful is a new form, with new colors if you will.

3. The day is ending. It's for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

run

Today I ran the farthest I have ever ran. I'm starting to feel pretty strong. Portland Marathon in October? Maybe..