coming into full self

Never, ever, doubt your intuition. It's wrong 0% precent of the time.
Ignoring that voice is dangerous, self destructive. Acknowledging it makes it louder with time, bringing with it assurance in choices and decisions that normally would be hard. 24 still continues to be the best year ever on so many levels. The reward of awkward 23 all all those years before it. I can't stress enough how important it is to allow yourself to really feel your awkward, messy, sometimes painful parts of life. Understand them and in turn understanding yourself and most importantly, letting it go. The more you force yourself to be internally responsible, the more prepared it makes you for future mishaps.

Always take care of you first. Never allowing anything or anyone stray you otherwise.

It's healthy and it's happy.

Damn. 25 is gonna be epic.

DIY: headboard

Moving into a brand new space, I was exploding with ideas for a new set up. One of them being a headboard that I saw on, (of course) pinterest. Being that Taylor's job is in the realm of wood, he volunteered himself in helping me make this headboard become a reality for relatively cheap. 

DIY

1. We went to the rebuilding center in Portland that has a bunch of materials from old houses. It took us awhile to find enough 2x4's that mismatched in a matching way, but we did succeed. 

2. Being that all 8 pieces of wood had a previous purpose in being a part of a house, shed or chicken coop, they were super dirty. Sanding the back of the pieces with 220 grain sandpaper did the job. I also sanded the sides to make the glueing easier. For the front I used a wire brush to scrub out as much dirt as possible then wiped them down with hot water and a rag.

3. Using two medium sized clamps (the large one's are expensive but would make things easier). Using wood glue, we glued two separate pieces (4 2x4's), clamped them and let them sit for a few days.

4. Taylor put 6 mending plates on the back to put the two pieces together and for extra support. 

5. Being that we had to glue the 2x4's in two separate pieces we used two small L brackets on the top to really secure it.

Bam headboard!

savor moments

In the past week, I found myself savoring moments.
Saying..

"In this moment, I am happy".

Snowboarding. Driving back from an amazing day, sun setting, music loud, friends present.

Sunday's. Awake for hours, just cuddling the morning away. Acknowledging the sound of rain, but never not noticing my skin on his.

Running. Letting my mind slip away, miles click over. Amazed by what my body can do and where my mind can go.

My house and all the people in it. Laying around talking about heart things. Real things. 

"In this moment, I am happy".

Today

Sometimes words come to me that makes a light bulb go off. Today.. this was it for March 1st. 

putting some roots down

I can't tell you how hard it is for me not to starting planning a travel adventure when things don't go my way. Like any person addicted to something that allows them to escape, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise, Jesus, traveling.. It comes in all forms really.

Of course the last three not physically bad for you, however they can be just as detrimental, if not more. It can be a round about game. Hidding your pain with glory of standing on the Great Wall of China or that framed photo with your arm around an orphan accenting that arm with a WWJD bracelet. But don't get me wrong, I don't think I have a real problem..
or maybe the fact that I think I don't have a problem, means I actually do? Either way, my point is that I'm trying to commit to something a little different. Instead of uprooting, I'm going to try to, root.
The options of moving, moving and moving I think I may just redirect. Instead of scurrying away to the east coast for nursing school, traveling yet again or simply running around Portland so fast I may as well be out of the country anyway, I'm actually going to try and put roots down. Of course, when people enter your life that tug at your heart a certain way, it makes that choice a little easier. But when the reality of those types of relationships arose, and their level of emotion and dubious nature I panicked.  Here's how my brain works every time, every freakin time..
"Nursing school?! YEA do that. Get away. Go change the world, you'll be too busy changing the world that you won't notice your heart is there. Go, go, go, do, do, do. AND even if love finds it way into your life you'll have so much going on that you'll be to preoccupied to notice it. WAIT, am I ready for school? I dunno. Ok job.. travel.. South America?! OR maybe random Europe? Teach English?!"

Claire. Stop it.

If you're going to go, you need to be going for the right reasons. I stressed that to myself when I left for Central America, however it ended up being an escape, but not on purpose. After that day of freak out, I really sat with the idea of staying for no other reason than to step outside my atypical comfort zone and really try to create a stable life for myself. I have had dozens different groups of friends in Portland in the past five years I've called this place home, and this time I want to really nurture the ones I feel worth it and let them grow. In other words, really give time to my Portland family.

Amazing lettering done by the one and only Bob.

one thread

..and just like that.
there's one thread left.
statistics say it will break,
yet I'll take a chance.
at the same time I'll watch from a far.
but not for long.

toothbrush

Waking up from a sleeping pill sedated sleep is always a weird experience. It takes longer than normal to come back to reality. I heard Lacey in our shared bathroom and decided to go say good morning as I half brushed my teeth half just appreciating her presence. Then, she gave me a sly smile and whispered, "Grady is here".

Grady and Hunter had been traveling in SE Asia for the past 5 months got back yesterday and sure enough I opened her door and there sat one tall, stupidly tan Grady wearing a Chang T-shirt. With my toothbrush still in my mouth, I gave him a huge hug. The three of us talked the morning away, coffee in hand, about travel, love and simply our lovely little lives we live. However mine somewhat painful at the moment, I love how life brings me change when I need it. Change that may in fact help with change of a different nature.

unusual comforts

One of those days.

Falling face first in your pillows, wrapping yourself in blankets and just sobbing. Allowing the white sheets to turn a dark shade with wetness, letting yourself feel all the turmoil in hopes that something will give. Of course the house is empty, but the dog finds me. He's not allowed in my room in which he normally obeys. But with no hesitation he walks into my room, nudges his way through the sheets acting as my barrier to the world and finds my tear stoked face in which he says I love you with slobber. Not skipping a beat he sits next to me and stares straight into my eyes as if to say.. 

"I'm sorry you're sad"

How has a dog perfected intuition to this extent?

Real life calls but after a cuddle with the ginger dog I feel somewhat prepared to switch into smiling hyper nanny mode. Dinner, baths, games and a chapter of Harry Potter, we finally reach bed time. As I goto turn off the light, Finley grabs my arm and says "I think you need a cuddle tonight, Claire". I choked back some touching tears and tell her she's right. Little Zach overhears the matter and jumps into Finley's bed, and next thing I know I have a little red head on my other arm. I tell them to tell me a bed time story which is about dogs, farts, police men and broccoli, which is absolutely perfect.

So one of those day. One of those days that hurt deep. However..

I'm thankful to be surrounded by the unusual forms of comfort, 

with unusual levels of intuition.
Also reminding me that my life is never not ironic.

music, sweet music

Goddamn it I demand to be your all.

Not your everything, but your all.

There’s a difference.

Not a rope, not a security blanket or that interesting print on your wall, but music. Sweet music. In other words, you could live without it, but it would be hard. 

I’m Goddamn music.

So turn up the volume.

sunsets

We all know don't we? We all know a sunset means something we can't describe. We all agree it's beautiful, peaceful and worth taking a moment for. There's not many of those things left. That a whole human race can agree on. Here I was in Oakland watching the sun set over San Francisco. Having left the bar at half time of the super bowl this day had an essence of importance already. The sun set today February 6th 2012 would mean a variety of things to people all over the world. The day someone they would love was born, the day someone the loved died, the day of the engagement or the day of the job. Maybe it was just the day the Giants won the superbowl, but for most, just another day.

I take this picture. Reflect on my purpose in being in San Fransisco in the first place, then observe another spectator taking a picture of this same shot with his white iphone, just like mine. I like the feel of that connection. Taking a moment from our busy lives that we have to stay connected to at all times via the internet and the various forms of constant communication. 

We all know don't we? 

That sunsets aren't only beautiful but scream some sort of symbolism to us. Today will never happen again, for good or evil. For better for worse. So the sun sets, my mind shifts and I make my way to the San Francisco Airport. Window seat as always, I evaluated my mood. Was I in a reading mood, watching Dexter mood, writing mood or listening to music and sleeping mood? It was a reading mood. We hadn’t even reached flight cruising altitude and I turned to a chapter titled “Instructions for Freedom” using sunsets and their symbolism.

I’m a person of fate, small or large circumstances. I don’t believe in coincidence, I believe in purposeful parallels. Call me widely optimistic, purpose hungry, naïve, typical soul searching twenty something- I don’t give a shit. I call it fate. Something that is very real in my life and should never be ignored.

“Instructions for Freedom” are ten observations of typical life hardships that can be helped with simply letting go. Using the idea of a sun setting (which actually happens every day) as a method of letting go unnecessary emotions. Guilt, regret, worry, anger are just a few that are meaningless, however difficult in simply.. letting go. Here's a few I liked..

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Let go.

8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.

The “Instructions of Freedom” also gave a reminder in the opposite corner of the ring, that even the most beautiful, happiest of things end at some point. That no matter how beautiful and perfect you believed that event, day, person to be, that time may be ending and turning into something else beautiful is a new form, with new colors if you will.

3. The day is ending. It's for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

run

Today I ran the farthest I have ever ran. I'm starting to feel pretty strong. Portland Marathon in October? Maybe..

Sunday Outing

On Tuesday morning's Lacey and I typically go to World Cup Cafe both picking up Opal the toddler and eating at our favorite sushi place. We drink coffee, read books, journal and flip through the Willamette Weekly, in that it is released on Tuesday's. Portland staying true to it's quirky nature advertised that "The International Cat" show would be coming to town the upcoming weekend. We immediately rallied our friends and made an appearance to this weird and awesome event.
We saw Maine Coons, Balinese, Pixie Bobs and Minx. Mullets, rat tails and bad perms. Cat tents, cat shirts and cat paintings. All sorts of wonderful sights. They even had free cake and coffee. My need for a cat has now been amplified, but it was quite the wonderful awkward, cat filled Sunday. Thanks for keeping it real Portland.

fire

I woke up this morning a little differently than lately.
I didn't fall back asleep three or four times before facing the cruel world that I seem to be living in resent months. I kept my eyes open, threw open my curtains, laid in bed staring at the surprisingly sunny winter morning outside my window and instantly realized I still have my fire. As though I came to a breaking point of beatings, in which made the pendulum swing back the other way.

My fire.
It's what has me obsessed with travel, learning, loving, moving. It's what attaches me to others I find that have fire. It's all of who I am. I have never been in a place in my life where I'm not stimulated through a variety of outlets. I have always been in school, working and at least 2-4 extracurriculars. I thrive in controlled chaos and constant movement, as said many times in this blog, change is my happy place. But then I graduated. However I always had nannying to fall back on for a in-between job till nursing school, and that I did. So returning home from traveling I didn't doubt I would once again have nannying to fall back on. Wrong. It's as though someone let the secret out and everyone and their mom (literally) is chasing a nanny gig. Or someone has it out for me and is sabotaging me by telling every nanny seeking family that I eat babies for breakfast and toddlers for dinner. Or somehow there was a huge generation of kids that suddenly made it to school age and those pervious nannies are back in the market for a job. It has to be something in that the balance of nanny to family ratio is totally off. SOMETHING.

At this point in my life I really have nothing to offer the job market. My serving experience is limited to three months of opening wine bottles, plate balancing and chatting with older, small town Australian couples. My retail experience while broad, is very much a part of my life when I could handle whoring myself out to unruly brand hungry, customers. Oh and that bachelors degree I obtained? Only a piece of paper to cut my time in nursing school in half. So basically worthless for seeking a current job. $40,000 well spent. But I have had nannying. Five years of experience and on top of actual nanny experience-- camp counselor, volunteering, first aid trained, ABA trained, CPR trained, the list goes on. And it was rewarding, not to mention forever changing.

This morning I woke up with beautiful surrender. I'm letting the universe have it's way. This is not to be confused with giving up. I'm just going to stop making things go in the direction I think they should. I'm going to do everything I can to find a fucking job. But in between emails and interviews, I'm chasing the original source that has put me in a place of constant stimulation. My fire, my drive, my passion and the devoted love I have for my rare independence.

Sunday

I'm looking for a word..

I'm searching for the word.
Maybe you can help me?
One word that defines how I live,
why I do what I do
and the other beings I meet that share this some what of a rarity with me.

I'm a human of constant movement, movement in terms of self. Always searching for understanding. Understanding friendship, love, emotions, drive, career, the list goes on. I thrive on learning, like real life learning. Pain or happiness, both are the essential sources of this pattern. I believe I feel deeper than most, in a positive and negative way, but in the end its mostly positive that I do. I'm very much in my head which makes things more complicated than they need to be for the most part. I believe or society teaches us that we can always change something about ourselves, that if you experience self acceptance, theres something wrong with you. You're cocky, a bitch, over confident. That if you're not saying you're not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, something enough-- you're delusional.
So what is my word? Something along the lines of a seeker, something that doesn't have an end point. Full of emotion and constantly moving. I'm going to find it.

"What is that word.."

-Drew Baylor

oh hi 2012

Last night was a Misty night.
I've blogged about these occurrences before. If you're a faithful freebirdclaire reader, you'll recall what it means that I got to spend an evening with Misty. But more likely, you're a random, reading this random blog, so long story short Misty and I have been friends since we were five, rendezvous at PSU for college life, coincidentally both on the path of a career focused around medicine. Mine becoming a nurse and hers becoming a doctor. Therefore leaving me to only a handful of times a year I get to really spend time with Misty (in between terms when she's not working hard at her perfect GPA, med school resume and MCAT prep). So tonight was a rare occasion I got some heart time with this lovely soul and something that stuck out tonight..

"I'm doing what makes me feel me,

 that gives me understanding 

and a sense of being on top of the world"

This was brought up in a midst of a conversation about people in our lives accepting you for who you are. Misty comes from a family of farmers in middle of no where Oregon. So pursuing medicine can be confusing for people close to her at times. But this really resonated with me because I feel the same criticism for the opposite, that I am taking time off from pursuing what I thought made me whole (and still very well may be that). To be honest, the biggest critic is probably myself and any input from other people on this choice that even resembles some hesitation to my decision, really eats at me. As if I have to convince them and in turn convincing myself that I am making the right decision and chasing what makes me feel on top of the world right now. In the past five years I have put so much self worth into becoming a nurse, that now I cant help like feel like a bit lost. However I know I'm doing the right thing. It's all a bit confusing I know.

Lacey and I were watching The Devil Wears Prada last night as we reheated our leftovers and snuggled under a blanket in our ancient house that refuses to stay warm. As we watched Anne Hathaway bend over backwards to make it big in New York City, Lacey giggled and said "It's funny to watch movies like this, watching women our age chasing after their dream career, willing to destroy their personal lives for it, and you and I are nannies". Lacey shares the same "in the mean time job as me" and I envy her ability to be SO much "in the mean time". Why am I so affected by what society tells me is the "correct" way to live in only this part of my life? I'm really good with doing my own thing in every other genre of typical social life paths, except this one. Yet I'm positive I'm where I'm suppose to be right now. This is my current challenge, letting my self worth rest purely on.. me.

dreamers

"she's going to be bad for me because she's such a dreamer too"

-rena marie

Man I can relate to that. My best friend and I both happen to be a Gemini. This is what I use to put a name to a lot of oddities about myself, and sometimes it serves as a understanding to what makes Rena and I soulmate best friends. Anyway, according to this maybe made up/ maybe not thing called astrology, Gemini's tend to have wide and varied interests and innate curiosity has us chasing after 9 different outlets at time. Being home I have already faced..

craft projects 

sewing projects

   ^both left over from summer before I left for traveling

furniture projects

art projects

photo projects

a desire to learn Spanish

a desire to run a half marathon

a need to rock climb regularly

a need to make more weekend trips

a want to read books in cafes

a want to volunteer

.. ok that was 11 things.

So I decided to stop "spreading myself so thin". On Friday night I exited my empty house, took advantage of the holiday emptiness and camped out at Powells for 5 whole hours. I love those nights. I dabbled in the green room, rose room, purple room and then found myself in the red room and thats when a Gemini book caught my eye. I read the entire thing and now taking advice from a freakin astrology book to not "spread myself so thin "and concrete on two, maybe three interests. And what better time to start all this come January first?

SO

1. Lacey and I are training for a half marathon.

2. Rock climbing. I mean it's something I really can't not have in my life.

3. Attempt to learn Spanish.

boo yauh.

Alternative Christmas

This Christmas I was an orphan. 

Being that I was expecting to be in New Zealand for Christmas this year, I didn't have enough time to book a ticket home to California. So Christmas Eve was spent with my Jewish friends. Eating sushi, taking about weird things as well as the usual holiday bullshit of family and ex's. Consumption of whiskey and coffee followed and when that was finished I left for Christmas Eve part 2, featuring Sami Felgmaker and her lovely boyfriend, Bob. Their adorable apartment appropriately named Mustache Manor because of all the artsy, Portland like things that make and collect, really set the tone of my unexpected orphan Christmas in Portland. We drank hard cider, had D&M's about love and shared heartfelt secrets while watching the Family Stone. Being that I had indulged in all the different types of Christmas liquors I decided that I didn't need a DUI for Christmas and crashed at Sami's.
Christmas day I woke up in Sami's room mates room which offered a few hilarious sites including Robert Pattison that wore a perfect hand made mustache (courtesy of mustache manor) and glitter clothes pins that held picture after picture of Ryan Gosling. The giggles continued when the boyfriend called got me up to date on his Kentucky redneck Christmas. The giggles furthered for the rest of the day as Sami, Bob and I drank champagne, made fun of the pug, crafted and eavesdropped on talking to our weird families.
I'd say this Christmas didn't suck. It's always a weird time of year for me, as it is for plenty others. So now, as Santa is well on his way back to the North Pole, I sit here in my empty house, blogging, and watching Alice in Wonderland with the cats. And a quote from this childhood movie that is so relative to now, is as follows..

Portland: the place of committed non-committments

What's that? You're in back in Portland?

In a matter of days I canceled plane tickets and canceled hostels. Then in a matter weeks I signed a year lease and a year contract with a job. Woaaa. The idea of not going to New Zealand was expressed in the form of words in the cab on the way to the airport leaving Mexico. After the response from my new found best friend and travel companion for most of central America, the decision to stay in Portland was made moments later.

Drastic? Definitely. Typical me? Definitely.

Right now, I'm just listening to that little voice inside that never seems to let me down. I'm being true to myself, dismissing criticism, not letting go of the precious lessons learned from traveling and this time truly loving. There's a lot of reasons that I changed my mind. Only the actual action of staying in Portland will answer exactly why I made this last minute decision. I have a feeling Portland might offer just as much adventure as New Zealand would have..

Grace.

"Welcome home"

That always put a smile on my face when customs does that.
Like America truly missed me.

Even though it was 1am by the time I got home, I threw my entire bag in the laundry, took the longest shower ever and had a beer with my dad. I slept like a rock in a bed with clean sheets, but woke up a bit early being on Mexico time. After a large cup of coffee, I decided a run on the beach was in order. Even though it was Thanksgiving Day, there were plenty of Californians, well being Californian. Surfing, BBQing and family rollerblading. Running on the beach is something I have always loved to do, but this run was particularly pleasent. I felt like I had a new sense of appreciation for my home, Orange County. The amount of comfort that the beach gave me was more than usual and the sense of belonging my extremely surprising. I went with this odd combination and ran as long as my out of shape legs could go. During this run, I had a sort of revelation. I am currently in a place in my life where I can literally do whatever I wanted. I could go to New Zealand for the next three months, 6 months, even a year.

OR

I could stay in Portland, get a job, work more, travel in a few months? Go to Europe? Snowboard Whistler for the season? Work part time and train for that marathon I've always wanted to run? Take the GRE and apply to nursing school? Take Spanish classes, like really learn it? There's so many things on my bucket list that I now have the time to complete now that I'm not in school.
So right now, two weeks from now, I could be in New Zealand or in Portland or maybe even in Canada. I'm thriving in this newly realized place in my life and I'm gonna go with it. I'm 24, healthy, young, free, living for me and never ignoring the grace that I'm finding. Remember that book that I found in Nicaragua? I'm realizing it found me.