mulitiple rites of passages in one weekend

Nancy and I were instant best friends. We were both new to Talbert Middle School the first day of 8th grade, so the two awkward new kids stuck together. Next thing I know we are creating "the notebook", watching Three's Company together over the phone and drinking way too many frappacinos. Then we got a little older and we were driving. Driving to the beach, concerts in LA and even all the way from Springfield, OR back to Huntington Beach. When I moved to Oregon when I was 15 and we still stayed just as close from hundreds of miles away and more than made up for it in the the summers I came back to Orange County. When we graduated high school I moved back to Orange County for awhile and we even lived together. We both had that weird year following high school and it's as though together we helped each other realize what we wanted, which happen to be almost opposite paths. Once again sticking together and never letting anything truly invade our bond.

So next thing I know I'm sitting in Laguna Beach, crying as my best friend gets married to Ryan Waldron. She looked so beautiful and the wedding had Ryan and Nancy's creative, simple and unique feel that amplified everyone's mood. So much love I have for that girl.

Arriving to the wedding, I was greeted by a loud, Americanized, tiny Vietnamese women, screaming "white daughter!!" which followed with a little but big hug and a "thanks for waiting to leave the country for your sister's wedding you crazy white girl". Nancy's mom Tina affirming the fact, I have been waiting for Nancy to get married so I can leave and go off into the world yet again.

Of course more than half the people at Nancy's wedding I had grown up with and have become another family to me so the catch up was needed and so enjoyed, but mainly interesting. Amis the typical catch up routine conversation, I had all the same responses in the fact I was leaving the next day for Nicaragua. Utter shock and baffled looks in that I was not only going there, for a long amount of time, but alone. I'm not siting here typing this to tell everyone how cool I am, or how fearless I am or what have you, but in fact do that opposite. Not only am I scared shitless about I'm leaving in 18 hours, alone, but I' realizing something in these responses. 

This collision of two different types of rites of passage, a wedding and a soon to be embarking traveler, made me stop in my tracks and catch my breath. I may be able to grab a backpack and go, but I realize I'm so scared of this.  Of agreeing to give yourself completely to someone else, forever. Or even the beginning of that, of telling someone how you feel, whenever you want, however you want. I'm not good at that. At all. 

But I'm trying. 

I'm trying not to care about being vulnerable. Of rejection. Of looking weak. So yes, I'm leaving into the world alone. But I envy the fact that you know how to.. not be alone.