Picking up the pieces

This past month has been quite easy for me to cut off what has only hurt me. I hardly ever think about it because there is nothing positive to remember. The few times he came across my mind were unwanted and train of thought was quickly changed.
I think its quite beautiful how some people come into our lives a certain times. Rena told me that her friend Riley was going through a situation with his girlfriend that reminded her a lot of what I went through. They skype all the time and he asked her if he could talk to me about it, seeming how I went through it. I had talked to Riley with Rena a few times before, and what I knew of him so far was that he was a person similar to me in the sense of our love for people and life. Our talk on skype started fine, everything he expressed to me, down to the details was everything I had experienced. Watching him express his confusion, I felt myself being taken back. The more questions he asked the more I realized how much I had already repressed memory's and emotions that went with the relationship. When he asked me questions I had to rack my brain for a moment to remember what exactly happened so I could explain to him. I began asking him questions like "does your heart hurt constantly?", and when he explained how he was feeling, that he felt so confused, that she had manipulated him to think he was crazy and over reacting, yet his heart was telling him something different. Sitting here on the computer staring at a stranger express to me how cut he was, brought back unwanted emotions. It broke me to hear that someone was going down the same road that I was on not long ago. It took some big road signs and bumpy detours to finally get off that road and I would never wish that on anyone to feel what I did. Riley reminds me a lot of myself in many other ways and I think its amazing when people come into your life, even only for a moment and changes everything...

I didn't think much about the conversation him and I had and I put those emotions back in the locked part of my heart, so I thought. Later that day Rena and I headed to Kappa with Alli and got ready for a needed night of drinking. I must of had a lot building on my subconscious, because the alcohol sure let it out. We went to the phrats and Alli kept introducing us to tons of people, Rena and I found a beer pong set up and that was the end of it. Although I was having fun myself, I was so sick of the ignorance and immaturity that I was experiencing around me. It wasn't like I expecting much anyway, but for some reason I was enraged. College boys being college boys at a party came up to me through out the night and everything they had to say was complete stupidity. An easy way to start conversation was the fact I was was Oregon, and although Oregon borders California everyone acted as though I was from a different country. At first the sterotypes were funny, but after awhile I blew up. I had no respect for these people and I acted on it, BADLY.

The next day Alli confronted me about it and I was confused myself why I acted the way I did and apologized genuinely. Blame it on the al al al al alcohol baby!! We laughed it off and prepared ourselves for an event one of the phrats was putting on at the local water park. I told Alli I was going to try hard to just not express my opinions, there was no need. I the way to the water park, sitting on the bus, we were surrounded by phrat boys that kept saying "thats gay" and making fun of Rena for being from Canada, which really bothered me. I didn't say much, but after getting through that bus ride I felt strong for the rest of the day. After a few beers and a round of volleyball the boys started to grow on me. I was having good time and appreciated their fun loving attitude on the day. Most of the day was quite wonderful, it wasn't until more people showed up and my beer drunk faded that something happened to me, that I have never felt.
I decided to lay in the shade and relax while Rena and Alli went on more rides. As I lay there listening to everyone talk around me, this wave of anger came over and completely took over. My anxiety kicked in and my heart hurt. Suddenly I hated where I was and felt incredibly homesick. The girls were talking shit about each other, consisting of so and so going to formal with so and so. That they were so drunk last night that she made out with so and so. The guys talking about getting drunk. All these things are things I talk about, but I knew that this is all these people had to offer to the world. They were all so surface and lost in my eyes. Now that I look back on it, this anger that had engulfed me, honestly was like something was taking over my body that was beyond my control, it was something I had never experienced. It is not me at all to be a mean person, even when I don't care for someone of something. In this case it was much different. I instantly wanted to leave and let Alli know exactly why in front of everyone. I humiliated her and myself doing so, letting everyone feel I was better then them. I honestly didn't care what these people thought of me, because I felt they were a waste of my time. On the bus ride back, I knew what I had done was uncalled for and wrong, but I still didn't care. I let Rena explain to me why Alli was upset and didn't say a word. I knew what she was going to say and I knew that it was all true. What I didn't know was why I had acted the way I did, why I was so hateful and why I didn't care. When Rena said "Claire this isn't you", it kind of came to me. These people who had no substance and extremely superficial were the exact people that I was compared to by the ex and the type of person he had become. The exact type of girls that made his eyes wander and the guy friends who cared nothing about him other then who he was. The boy I fell in love what was nothing like what he is today and I guess I carry a lot of confusion and anger with me because of that.

I guess its a silly time to learning how to swim when you start to drown. Not dealing with what cuts us deep, takes us deeper into sadness eventually and take it out on those who care about us most. I am so grateful to have two people in my life that have obviously been put here for a reason. There are no two people in this world that are more understanding and patient with me then Alli and Rena. I will get through this, I will let go, I will forgive, I will love. I have to remember it's ok miss someone, it's to be weak sometimes and it's ok not understand love.

I could easily blame him and just not care like I have. But I will embrace this growth, I will be the person I know I am who loves people and loves life. Who isn't negative or bitter. How I will get there will take time, effort and my best friends, but I will get there.