8.30.2010

monsters

Everyone has insecurities. Everyone.
They drive people to do things that they openly know are wrong, embarrassing, wrong, hurtful etc. We are not robots and are driven by emotion and females tend to be victims of this more so then males. Our parents are also not robots and the first exposure to what emotion is, therefore effecting us for the rest of of lives. <-- [huge reason I don't want kids] I don't want to mess them up. I don't think I need to get into details here, but I know all of you can think of at least one incident where mom or dad said or did something that has effected you to this day. Aside from our gene pools, there's life experiences that also contribute to our little monster in our hearts. so I just wanna say this.. to the girls who take the time to recognize and mend..


I love you. I commend you.

I have a friend that's gorgeous, talented in so many ways, humbled and not to mention one of the few people I can always count on. We all know that girl. We think.. ugh she has it allll together, shes so pretty, her boyfriend is so perfect, her family is so great. I want to be her. Keep in mind that little do we know, she has a monster and we can only hope shes confronting it and that we find envy in ourselves. I know that girl. She's all those things, but she struggles with all aspects. Her biggest being the most confusing, she struggles with image.. hard. What?! But shes gorgeous! Shes so in shape, has amazing clothes and perfect teeth. Shame on me. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. But I love her for recognizing and.. well.. beginning the hard road of confronting herself and mending. This has been quite the encouragement to me because I am currently facing my monster.

Being good enough.
The roots are there, do I want to make that public information.. no. But opening that ugly door in the abyss of my soul.. comforting. I face it in many ways, but hardest is also current. Becoming a nurse is the most important goal in my life. The idea of rejection, failure, inadequacy, is pretty unbearable. Almost to the point I don't want to apply in fear of rejection. Fear is has powerful existence, and luckily my stubborn and bold personality might be enough to surpass the fear, but when judgement day comes in a form of a letter, I hope I can continue to mend..
 "you create your own reality". I live by it.

8.25.2010

that weird kid that couldnt eat peanut butter growing up.. I'm that.. In the adult version

I figure I should educate you all on what being gluten intolerant actually is. I have had some pretty hilarious questions like "can you eat eggs?" and "OMG Claire the chips were eating, are made in a factory that also manufactures wheat!!!"

1. I do not have an ALLERGY. So no my throat won't close up, break out in hives and need an epi-pen stabbed in my arm.
2. Gluten is anything made with wheat, barely or rye. Hence I can eat eggs.
3. I too thought my life was over and I couldn't eat anything that tasted good ever again. But surprisingly enough my life didn't end and its actually so much better.

For about a month I went from a girl that doesn't EVER get a headache to constant migraines. Nothing made the migraines go away, Excederine only calmed them down. I was exhausted all the time, it didn't matter how much sleep I got, all I wanted to do is lay in bed. I was drinking an entire pot of coffee a day and did nothing for me, energy drinks were the only thing that made me feel like I could at least get out of bed and go to class. I have always been an active person and at this time my boyfriend had been training me for a good couple of months, so I was in pretty good shape. I went from running 5 miles no problem to barely being able to run one. Muscle fatigue was so intense that I had a hard time walking up the 4 flights of stairs to my criminal justice class. So to say the least I was miserable, frustrated and a little scared. Something was obviously wrong.
For a month I was in and out of doctors, they took blood tests and everything was normal. Their conclusion was depression, and wrote me a prescription. This frustrated me even more, I was definitely not depressed nor was I about to take a pill to cover up the problem. I finally went to a nautropath. After explaining my symptoms they asked if I had done anything different in the past month, actually I had, I had stopped drinking alcohol. They then asked if I was craving salt and thirsty more then normal, and I hadn't thought of it, but I was.
I was diagnosed with non-Addison's hypoadrenia (adrenal gland exhaustion). Basically I did such a good job stressing myself out over school and ex-boyfriends in the past year that I maxed my adrenals. If you don't know much about this lovely organ, its responsible for the release and control of cortisol, adrenaline and hormones which are essential to our body's stressors, normal function of the brain, digestion, blood pressure etc. This makes even more sense to me being a science major and the effects on the cell level that cause the side effects. The most important part of our body and its functioning it the sodium potassium pumps of our cells, this is why dehydration can be fatal and where a hang over comes from, to name a few. Apparently having alcohol in my diet was just enough of a stimulant to keep me going, but also acting as a band aid while the problem got worse. As soon as I cut alcohol out of my diet, my body said "game over" and wanted to stay in bed and heal.
The nautropath explained that because my body was at its most vulnerable point, it wouldnt respond to past stressors such as food intolerance's. She suspected gluten to be adding to my symptoms. At first cutting out gluten was really difficult. My favorite breakfast was bagels and cream cheese, subway was my favorite on the go cheap meal and BEER, oh beer, how I LOVE beer. I started noticing a big difference after about 6 weeks. I still drink beer here and there because its just too damn good. I have found a few that are brewed with rice and although they arent gluten free bc of the barely malt, they dont effect me. I had a full on gluten meal while on my roadtrip a few weeks back, I must say that this diet is obnoxious when on the road. After a few meals of fast food restaurant salads made with non-nutrious iceberg lettuce and a few pieces of less then stisfying chicken, I was tried of being hungry. I caved and bought a subway sandwhich.
The next day we were in Vegas and unfortunately muscle fatigue set in to its fullest and I could have slept on the strip I was so tried. I spare a few other side effects, but to say the least, it SUCKED. It's interesting to me the a food can literally be poisionious to some people. Food allergys are usually linked from genetics or parents. We develop antibodies throughout our todler years and being introduced to foods that we dont have the anibodies to yet= a food allergy. As for intolerances, common ones being wheat, soy, diary, corn. Evolutionary we didnt have these foods in abundance, back in the hunter gather days we eat meat, veg, rice and fruit, with the ocasional few eggs. only the past 10,000 years (which is a small amount since we've been around for millions) have not only ate those products, but in abundance.
Life is so much better cutting out the wheat, not to mention healthy, it keeps the weight off for sure. Luckily I dont have an allergy so I'll have a beer here and there. I have way more energy then I've ever had, my bummed knee feels better, no food coma feeling anymore, all around much happier. Thinking about going gluten free? My favorite meals:
-rice bowls with corn,beans, avocado, salsa and sour cream
-hardy salads
-tuna warped in lettuce leafs
-TONS of mexican food, carnitas tacos??
-sushi
-steamed veggies with chicken
-being in lovely Portland we have Bobs Red Mill that makes gluten free pancake mix, brownie, cookie etc
-quinoa, kinda like rice but better AND they make gluten free pasta out of this stuff and its goodddd


I probably explained a bit more then necessary, but there ya go, now youre educated.

8.22.2010

home sweet home

I have been incredibly blessed to have had yet another summer of a lifetime. Summer River trip, Canada boyfriend trip, USA Road trip, Fionna visits, Trifecta Canada Trip and my finale: Lady GaGa.Now that I have finally unpacked all my clothes, put away the vodka and caught up on much needed sleep, I have time to take it all in.


I moved into a new house with three awesome girls in the Hawthorne district. I love it. I haven't lived in a house for a long time, I forgot how nice it is to have a backyard, a WASHER AND DRYER, front porch. My house is purple and truqoise, I think it fits me and everyone else in the house well. The front porch is my new refuge, nice comfy couch, a cup of coffee and Miles to keep my feet warm (Julias dog). This is home.

8.21.2010

Lady GaGa

Neil: "Claire Lady GaGa is coming to Portland in August!"
Me: "OMG Neil, it would be like a night at CC's coming alive"


Tickets sold out within 24 hours, not to mention seats were prcied up to $300. I called radio stations to win tickets and looked on craigslist, both were fails. I was stoked when Neil told me he found tickets. His friend that had bought everyone's ticket for the gays, wasn't getting compensated, so I jumped on it.
My mom and I even bought an extra for my brothers birthday present. eek! My brother and I are 12 years apart, so we are finally at the age we can really be friends. After litterally half a year of waiting for this glorious moment, August 19th arrived. The concert was more then I could have hoped, I was the perfect drunk and with some of my favorite people. Most people see her as just another pop artist, and I agree, "Pokerface" got REALLY old. I dont even listen to the radio and I felt like I heard it 20 times a day. But honestly, to those of you who havent taken the time to really study her brillance, shes actually extremely intelligent as a person and a muscian. Her music videos all tell a story, that read deeper then a large hat and sexy back up dancers. I'll leave you to decide what the deeper meaning is. During her show she stopped twice to briefly talk about serious issues that she believes deeply in, she made me heart melt. Two people I love deeply happen to be gay. Lady GaGa happens to support gay rights with her heart and soul, during the concert she talked about how to of her dancers are in love and hope to some day get married, but marriage is difficult for them because they both happen to be males. I grew up in an unique home when it comes to this issue. My parents knew Travis was gay by the age of 5, and growing up my parents acted as though it was normal, because it is. I'm grateful I grew up in a home that I never had the option of questioning homosexuality. GaGa also empowered the audience with words of change, that our generation is bringing a new way of thinking and living. I love her and I love that her and I are the same age. Neil, Carly and I were dressed superbly and we didnt hesitate to take photos with randoms all night. Seems a bit coinceded but we were in GaGa mode, the mode o floving ourselves. The camp counselor came out of me at one point, three beautiful high schoolers were sitting behind us with their moms, and melted my heart. Something about that age 13-17ish that draws me to them, and gives me a sense of joy and compassion and probably the reason I was a damn good counselor. I told their moms they were the coolest moms ever and got to know the girls a bit better. They were both interested in going into the health field which of course made me love them even more, they played sports, made fun of me for being drunk and seemed like all around awesome young girls that are truly enjoying being young. My years of being a camp counselor showed me that so many young girls are trying to grow up way to fast. Those years around the age of 16 are hard, but unlike any age. youthful, free, careless, it makes me so happy to see girls that are loving their age and taking advantage of it. Also to see parents that are obviously doing a good job. At the end of the concert they asked for a photo with me and I told them to add me on facebook. Once again another experience affriming my passion, I can't wait to work with kids.

The afterparty was amazing, it was at the refuge and the venue had a rad futuristic vibe. Being on my continuous GaGa happy high, I talked to everyone, the limo driver, the gays, and even the security that wouldnt go let us see GaGa. It was a fabulous night with fabulous people and a fabulous way to end my fun for the summer.

"I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish." -Lady GaGa