Today I had an encounter with my 8 year old self

Ahhhh Halloween.. I mean, the holidays are really for the kids.
For me, Halloween was a week long event at school, we even did our math with in a shape of a pumpkin. It's as though the teachers were getting back at our parents with the amount of sugar that was fed to us, cupcake after cup of juice, then to top it off with a night dedicated to knocking down doors for 3 hours for a lifetime supply of candy seemed counterproductive. As for costumes, mine was home made while the rich kids got the cool store bought Snow White princess dress. I learned to love my backwards tiger, no seriously. Mom bought black leggings and a long sleeve shirt and put orange tape on it for the stripes, fail. She and dad made up for it with her pumpkin carving skills and creative ideas. Winner of Siletz Elementary pumpkin contest three years in a row, boooyahh. Backwards tiger proudly carried home the prized winning pumpkin of Cinderella's pumpkin carriage complete with Breyer horses and glitter glue giving it the full effect of awesome. High on a weeks worth of witch shaped cookies and apple cider, I could barely sit still as mom touched up my whiskers. The elected mom would then pack me and 4 of my other friends into the minivan or suv and drive us around the good neighborhoods until our pillow cases were overflowing with every name brand treat to exist. The cool mom's would take us to the haunted houses, one of us would get scared and hit a "monster" with our skeleton flash light and that would cue us home.
As soon as the mom mobile was in park, backwards tiger, witch, genie, doctor and cheer leader came flying thru the house leaving traces of pom pom, glitter and broom behind. All at once we dumped our candy out and the trading began, my goal: butterfingers and pixie sticks and to get rid of anything peppermint and of the taffy family, gross. After trading was completed and the hosting mom yelled at us at least 4 times to go to sleep we finally retire.

For at least a month the fourth grade class talks about the house of the year. 

"What you got a CAN of soda?"

"yup, mountain dew!"

"No way, where??"

"I'm not telling, it's a secret house"

Little did I know this secret house was the kids uncle's house and for years I tried to find the house that gave out- a. whole. can. of. soda. The next competition was the scariest haunted house and who made it thru without hitting a "monster" with the skeleton flashlight. Lastly, the candy trade would continue to December when finally snickers were phased out and candy canes were the here and now.

After a few more birthdays passed the Halloween dance was a bit more excited then trick-or-treating, my taste buds for candy was not as extreme as my new interest in boys. Then of course trick-or-treating became uncool all together and the exciting butterfinger was replaced with a beer. The costumes became slutty and expensive and the goal of the night became slutty and usually ended up being expensive. I've enjoyed my cliche early 20's Halloween experience, bumble bee, super hero and then the matchy matchy boyfriend/ girlfriend costume- mafia. I got way to drunk off red riding hood's tequila, the result orange vomit on cowboy, to wake up in butterfly's bed using my cape as a blanket, not such a super hero now eh?
I have never passed out candy to trick-or-treaters, I have always been the trick-or-treater, too cool for anything involving trick-or-treating or drunk enjoying a flirty conservation with a zombie or dancing with Jesus. I was really sick this weekend and didn't get to utilize my cost free costume of Mickey Mouse. I was proud that I was creative and didn't spend $50 on a costume that I had to modify to Claire non-slut bumblebee. So Sickey Mickey and Montana logger dressed up for the kids..

[x] nerds, sweet tarts, laffy taffy (sour/fruity loving kids covered)

[x] butterfinger, snickers, milky way (chocolate loving kids covered)

[x] home made costumes

[x] scary movie on DVR

[x] apple cider

[x] amazing friends

My first trick-or-treaters was a heard of 15 that came spilling in the door screaming "Candy!" It was quite overwhelming, but overall a moment of "wow, I'm growing up". It didn't seem that long ago that I was putting my sticky fingers in a giant festive bowl of goodies and off to the next house. I'm glad I didn't try to grow up to fast, I believe I savored my childhood, I mean I had a reason too. My parents were rad, therefore I had a rad childhood. I get it now, why they say "You'll appreciate me when you get older", because I do. My parents, like everyones, weren't perfect, but they did a good job. I just called my mom and thanked her for the pumpkin carving, year of being the elected mom for Halloween and even the backwards tiger. It's odd when you say "what up" to your childhood self, it makes me want to put the beer back in the fridge and throw on some rainbow tights and red cowboy boots (outfit of choice at age 8) and grab some chalk, be content with simple. Live simply, yes, live a bit more simply.

the L word

"I can't live without you"
"you're my better half"
"I'm lost with out you"
"you complete me"
"you're my everything"
"I love you more then more then life"

NOOOO. Stop it. Stop it right now. This is not genuine love.
Of course all people have different types of relationships with their boyfriend, husband or partner, but when this feelings of absolute devastation without this person, this is not genuine my friends. Its young, immature, inexperienced Hollywood style love. I've recently solidified this annoyance because of someone from my past and someone of my present, combined. These feelings can be a result of many things, but mainly insecurities, manipulation or false idols.

"you're my better half" / "you complete me"

Personally I have never been a half, and for the most part I love who I am. I have met people who satisfy a part of me, where with them in my life, I make more sense. But firstly, they are not the "better" part of it all, just a piece of many people in my life who together have help molded me into the person I am. Secondly, if you feel like youre only a half, then you should look inside to help that, not to someone else.

"You're my everything"

So many girls (and guys) do this. We should never look at anything as our "everything", not school, work, family, friends, clothes, alcohol, food etc. If our everything goes into one thing, we're lost. We lose identity, along with other important aspects of life.

"I'm lost with out you"

Well, you should probably find yourself, because I sure as hell don't want to get lost finding you either.

I am also a victim, I have never said anything above, but I have felt it. Most of us have gone through these early, young relationships and luckily, NO hopefully, we learn and we grow. I'm so grateful for someone who has shown me a genuine love and someone from my past to remind me, that I have grown and retired from an immature love. I use to think love had a sort of a blueprint. That you were suppose to feel a certain way, act a certain way and after the relationship is over, you're suppose to hurt a certain way. I'm usually not open about talking about love, at all, and hesitant to write about this. I'm a girl that doesn't like to feel vulnerable and even when I'm not at my strong point, I act like I'm not affected. I just felt a need to publicize this frustration.

At 23 years old you could say I'm young in the dating seen, but I feel ancient. It's ok not to be ready, but it feels damn good to know that I've retired from these outrageous way's living life. Thank you to those who have I learned from and I hope you thank yours as well, good or bad. We live, we learn and then we continue to love, with out a blue print.

Daily chats with Nicky

B-

I WANT TO..
-yell
-run for 3 hours straight
-throw rocks at windows
-take a baseball bat to a car
-drink a bottle of wine
-drive a race car
-jump off a cliff.. into water
-break something expensive
-scream at every single nursing school Dean in America

-cry.. hysterically

-rip clothing

This is what applying to nursing school is doing to me.  How do I handle this? The past five years of my life has been poured into my ultimate goal in life. That being to have a career that is focused around helping people, challenging, always changing and always opportunities to continue to learn, grow and travel, for the rest of my life.  I have unfortunately focused so much on this career path, that if it doesn't become a reality, I feel as though I might lose myself. If I do not accepted to a single school, I'm afraid of..myself.. how I'll respond. I have put every ounce of worth into what 5 people on a committee think of me on paper. They'll see that on average I'm a B- student, which is a huge difference between B, B+ and obvious A's. Although any B is above average, just above isn't good enough. I'm not good enough.

I love people and have the experiences and skills to work in a field that is essential to have ultimate people skills. I've traveled and I don't judge you if you haven't, but going into this field, I KNOW I have experiences with people and culture that others will not. I've volunteered in Thailand, I've been in student government at my university, I've been a camp counselor, I've been a nanny, I'm a certified behavioral therapist for autistic children, doctors and professors eagerly willing to vouch I'm qualified. But thats only 25% of what they will consider, in an occupation that its soul purpose is knowledge and skills of medicine AND PEOPLE SKILLS. Ughhhhh. At least this is a tad inspiring:

I laugh at myself. Every time I get super stressed I become this out of no where marathon runner. Well not technically but a week solid of 4milers. It keeps me from not throwing rocks at windows or screaming at people.. sane.