retiring "easy"

She even knows I run.

I had a drink with a friend last night, well about 10 hours ago because sleeping seems to be a past time lately. I've known him for all my years in Portland and knows me well, knows my habits, past. The chill of 20 degree dark night creeps through the door sets the tone to our conversation. Discussing our future is less exciting from when we were 20, the job market is depressing and having a bachelors degree means close to nothing. The natural pessimist he is we end with the usual conclusion, take out as many credit cards as possible and travel the world then out with style, taking the debt with death. I smile in regard to the familiarity that this conversation brings. Although the pessimist has simple answers for himself, somehow he has not so simple answers for me and I remember, I remember the love I have in my life. I'm always apprehensive to give the spiel on my constant battles that he is ever so use to. Instead I try to enjoy his wit and company which seems to be less and less as jobs begin to conflict. He sees through me, as he always does and I try to make the situation causal, as I always do. My tactic failed and his words absolutely did not. I gave him the details and his response was beyond moving. 

"If it takes months to years, in the end you'll be much farther then most people, 

easy is easy for a reason, anything that is worth it is hard, you're worth it". 

I'm not 18 anymore. I'm not 19, 20, 21, 22, I'm the awkward age of 23, a conflicting age of what's easy and whats progressive. I know I have reflected a lot on my age in this blog, because my age is a huge reason I am experiencing and not experiencing what I am. I believe this time is going to be the hardest, not necessarily because the situation is the hardest I will endure, but because I'm truly allowing myself to heal this time. Without distraction, without running, without replacement. It's easy to resort back to old ways, especially when the opposite party finds strength in the same securities. It's easy to throw the towel in and give up and I was, I was on my way to an identical path that lead me here in the end. My friends have a way of saying the right things and not even be aware of it. I will not accept easy. I'm facing it head on, like Henry Ford said. This time the airplane will take off against the wind with force, but what is different this time will be the absence of a crash landing.

runners cramp

I'm a runner, I run and run and run after what I want. 

I'm always running and then.. I make stop. 

Good or bad places I find myself in, I constantly find yet another reason to run. 

But the running catches up to me, as it has now and always does. 

There are few moments in my life where I can say I've been truly content. I definitely have those moments that I am fully content, but they are less rather then more. It's not to say I'm not happy, just never full, always thinking "if only". While traveling I missed Portland, then I'm in Portland and I want to travel. I love him, I don't, I love him, I don't and relationships fail me. I hate school I can't wait to be done, I love school I can't wait to go back. As I've said in many blogs before change is of the most important values, for this exact reason. I run and I run and as long as I'm running I'm happy. This has happened before where I find myself in a place thats more calm and the other half that got left behind in the marathon, finally has time to catch up.. then it hits me. My two sides meet and become one.. Reflection leading to tears of happiness, regret, anger, gratefulness and sadness all at once. It's quite overpowering, and honestly can be unhealthy. Especially this time.
I'm hoping at this pit stop, I can negotiate with the runner and the one that gets left behind. Maybe a hand in hand jog, not a marathon runner and a mild stroll. That the runner and walker can live harmonious with a touch of understanding. That I can learn to truly conceptualize why I do what I do, to dissect emotions and learn to deal with it in a way thats healthy and less drastic. Today was a start. I was honest. The honest truth about something I regret and have been to embarrassed to admit. Luckily I have friends that do not judge, but commend me on my bravery to express such mistakes. Back to square one.. back to "picking up the pieces". Wish me luck.

eff it

"Darcy, I just want to blow things up!!"

Darcy two hours later..

"Explosives will be here in 2-3 business days"

complete with an instruction dvd.

I never thought anger was a morning kinda thing, always thought anger was a kinda night thing. In situations where theres nothing I can do.. just blow stuff up at 8am, drink beer and snowboard. Opening day at the mountain.. it's a shit show up here and back to the groove of my mind clearing, soul cleansing sport. Just in time Mt.Hood, youre always good to me.

How to feel really bad about yourself

Apply to: Law school, Med school or Nursing school

Alright, big shocker here..
not everyone loves me, in fact plenty of people think I'm less then ok. I have a bold personality, I call people out when they suck and I have a confidence that comes off as stuck up or as the English have said "Posh". My natural face and body language is a "bitch face" and "I don't give a fuck". I don't handle injustice well, I'm opinionated, outspoken and I think I know more then I do. I'm honest with people, I have a tendency to give advice when un-necessary and my sense of humor can be harsh. I'm competitive and loud. It's hard for me to work hard at things that I don't care about and if I don't find purpose in it I put it to the side. I'm not the best at staying in touch and I'm ok with letting friends go that don't relate anymore. When you hurt me, I act unbreakable, when you love me, I act unbreakable. I don't test well and I yell at people that tell me to try harder because of it. I get defensive on things I feel strongly about and I'm always willing to debate with you. It's safe to say I don't get along with everyone. Applying to nursing school is the hardest thing I have ever done. Not because it's hard to type in my name and social security number, but because the applications are meant to weed people out by means of personal stabs, deep serrated knife stabs. It's hard to fake it on these applications, so every applicable positive and negative trait becomes a powerpoint of every detail, aspect and person that supports or doesn't support you. It's hard.
My negative are plastered everywhere.  I'm not cut out to do this. WTF am I thinking. I just paid a $95 application fee for a letter to come in the mail that says "Really Claire Tripeny? You are SOOO not accepted, you're kidding yourself".

After this conversation I'm feeling better. She's right, because of this "bitch personality" that I have, I'll get there, maybe not this year, but eventually. I may be all those things said above, but for the same reason I have solid people in my life. I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this..

Sewing project finished!

I did it. I sewed something and it didn't turn out horrible. Next endeavor- ball gown. HAH just kidding.
A few mishaps along the way..

-The collar was put in backwards so that left me seam ripping for days.
-I have now learned that patterns are made for making people feel bad about themselves. I am a size two from the waist up, a size TEN from the waist down. I think it's worse the I'm not an even size then a small size and a big size, like "Hey Claire just a reminder, you have no boobs, a tiny upper body and a huge ass making you look incredibly un-proportionate". The patterns have made me to believe I have an ass big enough to be labeled as double digits- not saying it's bad if you are, just a shock for me. I am not ghetto nor wanna be ghetto therefore I do not enjoy having a large rear end. Sighh.
-I'm not good at telling the difference between green and turquoise thread. Slight color blindness woo!
-I prefer a normal kids school ruler over a sewers ruler. I have problems with drawing a straight line apparently, so I need the big one.
-I learned fun words and what they are such as salvage, eyelet and RicRac

Working toward another check off the bucket list and learning something fun and useful. Overall I'm pretty proud of myself and here it is...