retiring "easy"

She even knows I run.

I had a drink with a friend last night, well about 10 hours ago because sleeping seems to be a past time lately. I've known him for all my years in Portland and knows me well, knows my habits, past. The chill of 20 degree dark night creeps through the door sets the tone to our conversation. Discussing our future is less exciting from when we were 20, the job market is depressing and having a bachelors degree means close to nothing. The natural pessimist he is we end with the usual conclusion, take out as many credit cards as possible and travel the world then out with style, taking the debt with death. I smile in regard to the familiarity that this conversation brings. Although the pessimist has simple answers for himself, somehow he has not so simple answers for me and I remember, I remember the love I have in my life. I'm always apprehensive to give the spiel on my constant battles that he is ever so use to. Instead I try to enjoy his wit and company which seems to be less and less as jobs begin to conflict. He sees through me, as he always does and I try to make the situation causal, as I always do. My tactic failed and his words absolutely did not. I gave him the details and his response was beyond moving. 

"If it takes months to years, in the end you'll be much farther then most people, 

easy is easy for a reason, anything that is worth it is hard, you're worth it". 

I'm not 18 anymore. I'm not 19, 20, 21, 22, I'm the awkward age of 23, a conflicting age of what's easy and whats progressive. I know I have reflected a lot on my age in this blog, because my age is a huge reason I am experiencing and not experiencing what I am. I believe this time is going to be the hardest, not necessarily because the situation is the hardest I will endure, but because I'm truly allowing myself to heal this time. Without distraction, without running, without replacement. It's easy to resort back to old ways, especially when the opposite party finds strength in the same securities. It's easy to throw the towel in and give up and I was, I was on my way to an identical path that lead me here in the end. My friends have a way of saying the right things and not even be aware of it. I will not accept easy. I'm facing it head on, like Henry Ford said. This time the airplane will take off against the wind with force, but what is different this time will be the absence of a crash landing.