me in a nutshell

33 Mandrake

Alli and I said goodbye to Rena on Wednesday night, and also to our cat Jude. Rena decided to take the kitten we rescued home with her.

Alli and I continued to pack and clean. We made our last box of mac and cheese and chocolate milk and parted this afternoon.

3:34pm text message: cricket: I miss you already....

frick. time is a crazy thing yo. I can't believe how fast this summer went by. It was truly a great one and I'm so happy how everything worked out. We lived in a converted garage all summer, eating otter pops, drinking beer, eating a lot of pasta and yelling at our cat. 33 Mandrake, I'll miss you. I'll miss Frank from Germany and all our great talks. Johnson and his random concoctions of food and of course his ranting. Even USC Dan, who is very USC but is a lot of fun to piss off. Even Andreas and his living room turned into a bedroom and his nightly musicals that he so loudly sang to. I'll miss the Mandrake crew, it was fun coming home to a house full of great people that were always up to something fun. Living in a house with 7 other people was definitely a riot. I love that the trifecta find ourselves in the best and most ridiculous situations. I love my friends, the experiences we had this summer, what we learned and how we grew.

commmunication in song

To: Me...From: You


"The First Single" by the format

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

[Chorus]
You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point of going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight, straight line
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

[Chorus]

And I hate what I've become.

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything I've done

[Chorus x2]

Yeah
Over me
Yeah
Over me


To: You
From: Me....


"Hot N Cold" by katy perry

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

[CHORUS]
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

[CHORUS]

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

[CHORUS 2:]
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down...

Book worm

I wanna read..

-Mere Christianity By CS Lewis
-The Time Travelers Wife By Audrey Niffenegger
-A Brave New World By Aldous Huxley
-The Penny By Joyce Meyer

I recommend..

-All about Love By Bell Hooks
-The Shack By William Young
-All Donald Miller books
-The Giver by Lowis Lowry
-The Secret Lives of Bees by Sue Kidd
-The Alchemist By Paulo Coelho
-1984/Animal Farm By George Orwell
-To Kill a Mocking Bird By Harper Lee

I've read..but not so great..

-Einsteins Dreams By Allan Lightman
-The Case for the Creator By Lee Strobel

status

This is the first summer since high school that I am not at camp working as a summer camp counselor. Although it has been such an amazing experience at River Way and Sandy Hill camp, like everything in our lives there comes a time we have to move on and embark on new adventures. It's like high school, its what you make it. High school was great, but when I graduated, I moved on.

For the past 22 years of my life my life has generally been pretty structured. I went to school from September-June and camp in the summer. Of course there are always some bumps in the road that threw off my structure but I always had a schedule. Generally Tuesdays and Thursdays I had class from 1-8pm, I worked Mondays and Fridays, went snowboarding on Wednesdays and Sundays and out to the bars on Saturdays. I always took my finals early in June and off to camp I went until September and repeated the schedule. For the first time I'm not living off loan money or the comfort of Sandy Hill cabins and cafeteria food. I'm working a real job and living off my own money. I sound sheltered yea? I don't think so. There really isn't many people my age that pays for EVERYTHING by themselves. Sure I worked plenty of jobs and paid for my share of bills, but I have never been truly on my own. paying rent, food, gas etc all with my own money while trying to save for traveling. It's definitely scary, but liberating.

My point of this ramble isn't for you to give me a pat on the back for being an adult and working full time job to make the money necessary for sustaining my life and earning the money necessary for my desires. My point is that I am able to sit back and understand my place. Structure molds our minds into a type of narrow mind. I had my time to study for school and the people I did that with. People I snowboarded with on those Sundays and Wednesdays. People I went to the bars with on those Saturdays and of course camp and the life that came with it. I'm not down playing the amazing experiences I have had doing all these things, but realizing that there is so much more.

I can't even begin to cover every aspect of what I have learned about people in my life, but the word to some it up well is status. I thought by leaving my hometown of orange county and living in Oregon, home of the hippies and artsy liberal goo rues that I was escaping status. wrong. There's the pro snowboarders of mt. hood, the aspiring cinematographers of the Art Institute, the graphic designers of some artsy company, the PSU athletes and the list continues. I myself am guilty of status as well. My status at school and who I knew, my status on the mountain and who I knew and my status at camp and who I knew. I am only realizing this now when I have taken myself out of it. I feel a bit dirty to be honest, that something so surface snaked its way in my life without me knowing, how rude. Luckily I'm doing my best to shed out of it.

Funny thing happened a few months ago that changed my status...

Well, I dumped the snowboarder. Why? He got caught up in that status and with others who cared about the status. Girls who wanted to be in his life because the letters I and M was on his hat. "Friends" who only used each other for rides and a posse to show up to party's with. The long weekends to countless competitions with all the right people and sponsors. Can you guess what happened when we broke up? My status dropped :). The people who were more caught up in that nasty status dropped me like its hott. I was a bataleon riders girlfriend. So of course ms.Maui fever needed to be my friend and so did the friends girlfriends, even the 17 year olds. As soon as I wasn't the girlfriend, I was useless. I wasn't an in to that world anymore. Sad for those people who see it that way. I'm grateful I was slapped in the face of what type of people I attracted but it disgusts me at the same time to know those people exist. So many people were my "friend" because of who I was dating and who I knew because of that. They care so much of what people think about them they have to do, think and say what everyone else does, because god forbid sacrificing their status.

*I'm never dating a professional anything ever again.

one love I'm sure of..

what is it about that first cup of coffee in the morning, or the afternoon iced mocha or late night triple shot study latte?

coffee I love you, thank you for never letting me down.

standards

So many people settle for less for numerous reasons. I refuse. I don't care if I never get married or if I get married next year. I get bored easy and why stay with someone that bores me? Why be concerned with what society tells us that we need to get married by age 26, have 2.5 kids, a dog, careers and a nice house, car and boat. Screw that. I would much rather be 45 and meet the love of my life and live happily ever after then settle with someone that I start a life with, share a bank account and have some kids only to divorce 10 years later. Then we have to do the splitting of items, talk custody of kids and of course the shame of divorce to our friends and family because we never truly cared about each other only what everyone thought of us anyway. I think I'll skip that mess of that bullshit and just have some higher standards now. Here's a few things I know I want in a man (not a a boy) at this point..

read books
have a passion
love animals
be active
be healthy
like to dance
not have the "only child" syndrome
have empathy
be open minded
have beliefs and reasons why
brag about me to his friends and family
love music
have a love to travel
calls me out on my shit
outgoing
not afraid of what people think
play games with me
spontaneous
love kids (not necessarily want them)
have some cooking talent
NOT materialistic
doesn't care about status
has real, true, good and genuine friends
love people
artistic edge (because i'm not)
laughs a lot
sticks up for what he believes in
cares about the environment
supports gay rights
loves the mountains
isn't afraid of being wrong
doesn't let me get cold (i hate being cold)
remember the little things (like i'm allergic to orange juice and i boycott exxon)

and most importantly.. teaches me ad makes me laugh A LOT :)

bucket list

1. run a marathon
2. Go to a superbowl game
3. Become a registered nurse and use my skills in different countrys
4. Learn to speak another language
5. Climb a mountain
6. Go to the Olympics
7. Cross country ski
8. Learn to drive a stick shift
9. Learn how to make dad's BBq
10. Own all Disney movies
11. Snowboard Whistler
12. Go to a concert at the Gorge
13. Watch the sunset and sunrise in one day
14. Go to October fest in Germany
15. Go on a road trip across the US
16. Learn how to play a song on the piano (preferable white houses)
17. Have a garden
18. Learn about every religion
19. Kiss someone I love during fireworks
20. Have a library
21. Still hold hands when I'm old

adding each day..

change

change: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone

the actual definition of change is quite interesting to me. To make different in the form of content, nature, future, etc.. if left alone. Webster is very accurate in this case. Change can't truly occur if we don't allow it to, or want it to for that matter.

bring it

homeless, poor and its fuckin hot outside.. but we have eachother :)

I haven't even been in Fresno for two weeks and I feel like its been months. Rena and I were staying with Alli's parents in Clovis in a beautiful two story home with a pool. It was a wonderful situation with Alli still being in school we just looked for jobs and hung out by the pool while she was gone. Rena and I sat down with Alli's mom Marci the first night to know what was expected from us and what was expected was close to nothing. Rena and I got in a routine of picking up after ourselves, doing the dishes, helping with dinner and taking the trash out. After only a week Alli told us that her mom was frustrated with us and felt used. Rena and I being extremely grateful this whole time were horrified and embarrassed she had told Alli this. We stepped up our efforts only to hear more concerns that Marci had called Alli to complain about us. Rena, Alli and I were all confused about what we were doing to ever show the slightest disrespect. We didn't want to intrude and feel unwelcome, so we packed our bags.

Marci and Allan were shocked when we told them we were leaving. They honestly acted like little kids that had said nothing. It took awhile for them to even admit they were bothered with Rena's shoes in the laundry room and my towel on the floor in our room. Rena and I simply asked "Why couldn't you just tell us to pick up the shoes and the towel", they respond with "you should have known to do that". We explained what home is like for us, why we wanted to have a conversation in the first place about standards and rules of the house and how important communication was. They didn't have much to say, I was proud of Rena and I on how well we handle the situation and expressed our dislikes with how the Suvanto's handle the entire ordeal.

I felt like Rena and I were the adults teaching kids how to communicate. It so absolutely important to know how to communicate for any relationship to work, whether it be a friendship, relationship, family or boss. They were quite receptive to what we said and asked us to stay, but we kindly declined knowing that this family had an awkward way of working that wasn't anything close to what Rena and I came from. It's interesting to me how norms of different family's can be so different and even though I'm only a state away from home, I feel farther and farther away from it every day.

So we were homeless but luckily Alli's amazing friend Enrique has taken us in. He is very clean for a guy and lives super close to KKG. He's pretty rad to take Rena, me and our mound of shit into his apartment. After being here for two weeks Rena and I have quickly found who are the people we like to be around. The past couple days has been lots of beer pong, 4 binger (new game we love) and Rena shot gunning beers. I have picked up a new hobby of picking up beer cans and volunteering to take them off the owners hand, yes I'm that poor. I think the drinking has caught up with me, I'm suffering from an outrageously sore throat. I hope its not strep throat.

On a happier note Rena and I made a deLISH dinner tonight, sat on the floor and used Allis long board as a table as we listened to sermons online. Although we are homeless, poor and can't go outside because its 105 degrees, we know what we want and need this summer. Most of all we are happy and content, we are taking the challenges head on and smiling because we have each other.

Picking up the pieces

This past month has been quite easy for me to cut off what has only hurt me. I hardly ever think about it because there is nothing positive to remember. The few times he came across my mind were unwanted and train of thought was quickly changed.
I think its quite beautiful how some people come into our lives a certain times. Rena told me that her friend Riley was going through a situation with his girlfriend that reminded her a lot of what I went through. They skype all the time and he asked her if he could talk to me about it, seeming how I went through it. I had talked to Riley with Rena a few times before, and what I knew of him so far was that he was a person similar to me in the sense of our love for people and life. Our talk on skype started fine, everything he expressed to me, down to the details was everything I had experienced. Watching him express his confusion, I felt myself being taken back. The more questions he asked the more I realized how much I had already repressed memory's and emotions that went with the relationship. When he asked me questions I had to rack my brain for a moment to remember what exactly happened so I could explain to him. I began asking him questions like "does your heart hurt constantly?", and when he explained how he was feeling, that he felt so confused, that she had manipulated him to think he was crazy and over reacting, yet his heart was telling him something different. Sitting here on the computer staring at a stranger express to me how cut he was, brought back unwanted emotions. It broke me to hear that someone was going down the same road that I was on not long ago. It took some big road signs and bumpy detours to finally get off that road and I would never wish that on anyone to feel what I did. Riley reminds me a lot of myself in many other ways and I think its amazing when people come into your life, even only for a moment and changes everything...

I didn't think much about the conversation him and I had and I put those emotions back in the locked part of my heart, so I thought. Later that day Rena and I headed to Kappa with Alli and got ready for a needed night of drinking. I must of had a lot building on my subconscious, because the alcohol sure let it out. We went to the phrats and Alli kept introducing us to tons of people, Rena and I found a beer pong set up and that was the end of it. Although I was having fun myself, I was so sick of the ignorance and immaturity that I was experiencing around me. It wasn't like I expecting much anyway, but for some reason I was enraged. College boys being college boys at a party came up to me through out the night and everything they had to say was complete stupidity. An easy way to start conversation was the fact I was was Oregon, and although Oregon borders California everyone acted as though I was from a different country. At first the sterotypes were funny, but after awhile I blew up. I had no respect for these people and I acted on it, BADLY.

The next day Alli confronted me about it and I was confused myself why I acted the way I did and apologized genuinely. Blame it on the al al al al alcohol baby!! We laughed it off and prepared ourselves for an event one of the phrats was putting on at the local water park. I told Alli I was going to try hard to just not express my opinions, there was no need. I the way to the water park, sitting on the bus, we were surrounded by phrat boys that kept saying "thats gay" and making fun of Rena for being from Canada, which really bothered me. I didn't say much, but after getting through that bus ride I felt strong for the rest of the day. After a few beers and a round of volleyball the boys started to grow on me. I was having good time and appreciated their fun loving attitude on the day. Most of the day was quite wonderful, it wasn't until more people showed up and my beer drunk faded that something happened to me, that I have never felt.
I decided to lay in the shade and relax while Rena and Alli went on more rides. As I lay there listening to everyone talk around me, this wave of anger came over and completely took over. My anxiety kicked in and my heart hurt. Suddenly I hated where I was and felt incredibly homesick. The girls were talking shit about each other, consisting of so and so going to formal with so and so. That they were so drunk last night that she made out with so and so. The guys talking about getting drunk. All these things are things I talk about, but I knew that this is all these people had to offer to the world. They were all so surface and lost in my eyes. Now that I look back on it, this anger that had engulfed me, honestly was like something was taking over my body that was beyond my control, it was something I had never experienced. It is not me at all to be a mean person, even when I don't care for someone of something. In this case it was much different. I instantly wanted to leave and let Alli know exactly why in front of everyone. I humiliated her and myself doing so, letting everyone feel I was better then them. I honestly didn't care what these people thought of me, because I felt they were a waste of my time. On the bus ride back, I knew what I had done was uncalled for and wrong, but I still didn't care. I let Rena explain to me why Alli was upset and didn't say a word. I knew what she was going to say and I knew that it was all true. What I didn't know was why I had acted the way I did, why I was so hateful and why I didn't care. When Rena said "Claire this isn't you", it kind of came to me. These people who had no substance and extremely superficial were the exact people that I was compared to by the ex and the type of person he had become. The exact type of girls that made his eyes wander and the guy friends who cared nothing about him other then who he was. The boy I fell in love what was nothing like what he is today and I guess I carry a lot of confusion and anger with me because of that.

I guess its a silly time to learning how to swim when you start to drown. Not dealing with what cuts us deep, takes us deeper into sadness eventually and take it out on those who care about us most. I am so grateful to have two people in my life that have obviously been put here for a reason. There are no two people in this world that are more understanding and patient with me then Alli and Rena. I will get through this, I will let go, I will forgive, I will love. I have to remember it's ok miss someone, it's to be weak sometimes and it's ok not understand love.

I could easily blame him and just not care like I have. But I will embrace this growth, I will be the person I know I am who loves people and loves life. Who isn't negative or bitter. How I will get there will take time, effort and my best friends, but I will get there.

No boys need apply, men only

I know it's a mix of anger and bitterness, but I have to get this out.

I am so sick of guys who are so incredibly surface, in personality, thought, beliefs, ideas, morals and most importantly.. LOOKS. It honestly disgusts me. First of all I absolutely hate it when guys call a girl "hott". A girl that's "hott" is Jessica Simpson or Pamula Anderson, girls with absolutely no substance and only boobs and a fit body to offer. On the other hand calling a girl pretty or cute implies more of an appreciation of how they present themselves as opposed to "I would love to fuck her". You BOYS think you're so clever too. Like you're going to sweep us off our feet with your pathetic charm. Here are a few examples..

-A guy I know from camp messages my friend Nancy (he doesn't know her) who yes, is attractive flirting with her saying shes hott blah blah blah, like shes going to drop everything because he finds her fuckable. So I am obviously friends with him on facebook to look at pictures of me and my friends.. ummm... deleted.

-This guy I have studied with a few times invites me out for his birthday, innocent, friendly gesture I thought, but he then confesses his love for me and I ask him why he likes me and I get "because you are the hottest fuckin girl ever". So charming!!

-My favorite is when I'm hanging out with a guy friend and their lame friends ask me "Hey Claire, do you have any hott friends?" Like oh, yea, you definitely deserve the presence of my friends. I'm definitely here to just auction off my friends to worthless pieces of crap like you, that ask for my "hott" friends because going back to the definition of the word, you really only want to fuck them. You don't want to know who they are, have a conversation or ever know their last name. Lets be serious.

There is so much more to me then a cute face and nice butt. I'm so tired of being looked at as prey. I have a brain, I value my intelligence, my morals, my beliefs, my family and friends. I don't find myself overly beautiful personally, but sometimes I wish I was more plain, because maybe then I would attract MEN (not boys) that respect women in all ways, for their beauty, mind and heart. There are definitely girls out there who ask for this type of negative attention by how they behave, dress and talk. But boys do not judge a book by its cover. There are plenty of us girls out there that happen to be pretty AND smart at the same time. What a damn concept?!

when one door closes another opens..

Leaving to the airport on May 2nd my anxiety took over, I was actually leaving Portland and it finally became real. As soon as the plane left the ground the tears came, it was quite symbolic that when the plane fly past downtown, over Northeast Portland, Mt. Tabour, Southeast and knowing that Mt. Hood was visible on the other side of the plane. Every part of Portland that the plane pasted over flooded my mind with memories from the past three years at Portland State. I felt content with my experiences and lessons learned. I was happy the people I had in my life and I knew that they would be there when I return. The tears were mainly me letting go of the relationship that I was leaving behind that was truly the end. I stopped trying to make sense of something that was never going to make sense. My heart hurt for him one last time and as the plane got closer to the clouds and Portland began to fade, so did the emotions and I fell asleep. Waking up to the announcement that we were about to land in Long Beach felt empty. It wasn't until I saw my family and felt the warm air that I felt my choice was the right one.
My best friend since 8th grade, miss Nancy Tolman had a lot to do with my choice of leaving Portland during my last trip to Huntington Beach a month earlier. Her and I had a big talk during that time about all my worries and need for change after a night of drinking on Newport Beach. In our clothes from the night before, tights and all, sitting in the sand we cried and hugged. We went back to the same spot on May 4th and smiled in content. It was quite healing.
May 5th was the day Rena, Alli and I would reunite. My dad found a car for me to use for the summer, an old toyota, but a car is a car! He packed me a cooler of food and made me promise I would call every hour as I drove to Fresno. It's only a 4 hour drive, but I am a daddys girl, and he sure does worry. As i drove to Fresno, it made me happy to think of Rena headed to the same place on the plane. Our reunion was perfection and so will our summer :)

Love & Learn

I'm back!!
My mind is finally in a place I can spill my fears and loves in a way that is good for us all. Well friends, not to be a Debbie Downer, but fall and winter term this year has been complete shit. I have no idea why exactly everything wrong had to happen all with in a 6 month period but luckily I have found some purpose in it all, the biggest one being restless Claire coming out of hiding. I'm not one to be happy being in one place for more then a few months at a time. Portland will always will where my heart resides, but the world has me flirting with all sides.
Too make a long story short every good thing in my life turned bad. I had fraud happen to me in October and $2,000 stolen. My mom and step dad separated in November and Josh and I broke up not long after. Anatomy and Physiology had taken over my life and eventually soul. Best friends had drifted away and new ones turned out crazy beyond belief. Health problems came with the stress which lead to financial instability. *sigh.
Luckily Rena and Alli my best friends from camp came to rescue..
Let me explain this relationship these two girls and I have.. anyone who knows me well, knows that camp is a big part of my life. I met Alli summer 2006 at River Way Ranch Camp in Fresno, CA. We became good friends and stayed close in the off season of camp. I met Rena summer 2007 at Sandy Hill Camp in Northeast, MD. She reminded me so much of Alli and her and I ended up being co-counselors most of the summer and great friends on top of that. At SHC the following summer (2008), Alli decided to come to SHC and as I imagined Rena and Alli clicked right away. Three's have never been so perfect in the history of the world with us three. They remind me that life is beautiful in so many ways. That even when life is upside down, there is beauty hidden somewhere in all that mess. AND of course they share a love for kids, helping others, volunteer work and activism with me which makes us three even more meant to be. They came to visit me December 26th-January 5th and I started to feel the weight of the world being lifter off my shoulders. My worries, doubts, anger and stress eased and I could breath again. Thats a powerful friendship right there. After many drunken nights and amazing talks, they went back to their lives and I felt a bit stronger and clear on myself and my life which was started to piece back together. Josh and I worked things out, my family was civil again, I had an income and it was a new term of A&P. This sense of hope only lasted a few weeks until the eye of the storm passed. Every aspect of stability went back to instability. It was quite a tease to have everything seem to work itself out only to break in more pieces. I was scared to lose myself completely that I held on to anything that gave me comfort and I held on tight. My boyfriend for over a year was obviously what I leaned on, only to find that he wasn't the person I fell in love with. It took over 2 months to realize he was a big cause to my downward spiral. My caring, fun, respectful best friend was replaced to someone I didn't even know. His selfish nature, disrespect and lies showed a side of him I never knew existed. The worst part of this was that I blamed the snowboarding industry for turning him into this person I didn't even know anymore. I started to resent snowboarding and anything that was affiliated with it. Snowboarding is something that has always been my escape and love. I just happened to date someone that shared that love.. and eventually ruined it for me.
END OF MARCH..
Enough was enough with my crumbling life and unfortunately Josh was the breaking point. School is extremely important to me and I put everything I have into school to make myself competitive for nursing school in the furture! I wasn't getting good grades because of anxiety, and hated myself for letting it affect me to a point of no return. After a much needed trip home to California to visit my family and best friend I acknowledged my need for change and acted on it quite drastically. within 12 hours I had made living arrangements in Frenso, CA with Alli and Rena, gave my two weeks at work, dropped my classes for spring term, told my roomie to find a new one, told my parents my plans, bought a ticket to SoCal for May 2nd and damn it I was so outta Portland.

TODAY
I'm so much happier then I thought possible. It's beautiful to me how gracefully things fall into place sometimes. My love for snowboarding is finally my own again and I owe a big part of that to Darcy. Not being in school gave me a lot more free time and I found myself at the mountain about 3-4 days a week. For once I wasn't known as Josh's girlfriend on the mountain. A few pow days and t line park sesh's later I felt like an old friend had moved home. Mt.Hood was no longer memories of Josh, but new memories with new friends.

Thailand: reality of paradise

Monday August 25th

The last two days have been great. Yesterday was another day of surgery and first day of post op's. I got to be more involved and put eye drops in and bandage, I really liked the hands on part. The Thai nurses I was working along side with couldn't say my name right.. along with every other Thai person I have met. So my official name in Thailand is Kawer, yup K-aw-er. Them teased me when I attempted a few phrases in Thai, so I told them.. "when you can say my name right, I'll say your words correct". So the result of that was a nickname.. cow. haha. I liked it. It made me think of a camper at good ol SHC that had this amazing cow shirt I loved. After the post op's were done, there wasn't much for the 12-21 crew and the mom's to do. Dr. Sam Su Ran made a recommendation to visit a local artist, some of the hospital staff took us that afternoon.
The artist owned a small shop on the main road of Satun, the shop was very open and had a lot of political and reggae shirts on the wall for sell. We met the artist and he showed us some of his work of botique. botique is done by taking a small tool and putting melted wax in it and drawing of cotton. after it cools you use water and dye to color the drawing and the wax acts as a border and rejects the dye. The artist asked us what we wanted and we all got one for free. Afterwards we got to paint it ourselves, it was a ton of fun.
After we were done we headed to the hospital for the closing ceremony and dinner. The food was less then satisfying, the only thing I ate was fruit and rice. Everything else was either to spicy or just plain gross. Gross being fried chicken joints, blood eggs and fish still was in a fish form.. head and all. No thanks. After dinner we took pictures and were presented with gifts. The guys were given some type of traditional dress shirts and the girls were given scraffs, as in head dresses. A large amount of the Thai people are muslim, and I knew that this was something they could give that was honoring and among their culture. But let me step back for a moment..

I wouldnt call myself a feminist, but I am big in womens rights and humanitarian causes. I am also a participant in coexist and accepting of other beliefs, race, culture and relgion, but their are a few things in this world that I still have a hard time accepting. Many cultures betray women as less then men and in no way is that something that I can accept. These women obviously find pride in their religion and in their practice of the head dress. But with a thank you hand shake I wish I could quietly transfer knowlegde and a sense of independence to these women. I have studied all religion, not the the depth I would like, but I do know that the head dress is strictly for the purpose of showing your dedication to your husband. Quite a demeaning symbol I say, another issue i could rant about, but I'll move on.

I realize now that its not a lie that Asian people love karaoke. We finished off the night with a good hour of karaoke. yuck. By this time I was exhausted and didn't want to sing at all. I fell asleep outside on some chairs, I think I'm still hurting from the lack of sleep from camp.

Tuesday August 26th

Another morning of post op's all going pretty well. I got to help with the eye drops and bandages again. I loved being there when the patients got their bandages off and got to see for the first time in a long time. One lady keep looking at me and smileing and after i put her eye drops in and bandage her eye, she tapped the thai nurse who I was working with, and said something to her. The nurse told me that she said I was beautiful and happy to see beautiful things again. Wow. Out of all the times I have heard that (not to be full of myself or anything) but that definitely meant the most. I noticed that most people were wearing pink and asked someone, apparently pink it the color that keeps the king healthly. They wear it every Tuesday.. so Thailand has a pink Tuesday just like SHC! Yay camp.
After post op's we headed to the island of Lipe off the southern coast of Thailand. It tooks us an hour and a half to get their on a rinky dink boat. The rough of the ocean gave a us beating and Kate got really sea sick and spent a good amount of the ride at the back of the boat being sick. We finally got to the island around 2pm, it was absolutely gorgeous, complete with white sand and truqiuose water. Apparently its "low season" at the island, so it looks a little run down and the signs of pizza and pasta were just lies :(. We spent the rest of the day laying on the beach and swimming in the water which was probably about 85 degrees. Kam Ron and I decided to swim out to the farthest boat which I'm glad I did in the end, but I definitely had a small heart attack once we got to were I couldn't see anymore. Being in the tropics makes me think sharks are a possibility, even though they probably aren't. Dinner was same as always, rice, spicy food and chicken everything. Where we ate was quite sceneic, being outside and right on the water, the sunset was the most amazing sunset I have ever seen in my life. I felt like you could swim to the sun. Beautiful

Wednesday August 27th

I woke up around 7am to the rain, which I loved. I just lied there in bed taking in that wonderful sound. I fell back asleep for a few hours and then went in search of coffee. All the girls ended up ventureing with me and we found a small place in town that even had french fries! Breakfast was nice, good talks about high school and what not. After breakfast we walked to other side of the island. This place is beautiful, but trash and famish animals take away some of its beauty. At breakfast, a kitten the size of my hand, had sores and was coverd in fleas. It lied on the ground meowing in its last couple days of life. If someone just came here and nutured all the dogs and cats, life would be much better for them.
After we explored a bit we headed back to the resort and met our guide and his boat. The first place his took us was a very small island that was covered in these amazing stones. The ones that a dark, smooth and round. Our guide told us of a curse that is on the stones and if anyone takes a stone from the island they will be cursed. I was bummed.. I wanted a rock. Not like I believe in superstition but its not like I was gonna take a stone right in front of him. After we walked around for a bit, he took us to the other side of the island to go snorkeling. I had been snorkeling in Hawaii and didn't think it would compare, but it definitely was right up there with Hawaii. The fish were all colors of the rainbow and the coral was quite elaborate as well.
Later that night we went to the only bar that was open that was called Pooh's bar complete with pooh bear all over the bar. We later figure out why it was called Pooh's bar when we met pooh! He had just opened the bar a few years ago and still was getting it going. It had a really cool lay out, with a full bar and menu on the wall in neon backlight. It was open to outside with sand pathways to the small restrurant, pool table and band step up. He said he had internet around the corner if we wanted to use it. During dinner I went to check it out and it was literally a computer under a palm tree. No joke! The food was same ol same ol thai food.. blah! But my dinner was a large amount of cocktails which I thought was a nice substitute. After dinner John played the guitar and Katie played the piano a bit, before two Germans got up there and rocked it. Daniel and Nadine a young couple from southern Germany were extremely musically talented and very interesting people. It was fun to talk to to them and they spoke english very well. After our musical shin dig, Pooh told us to sit down because he had a special show for us. It was poi, which is native fire dancing. It was rad, they were really good.

After a good few hours of drinking, watching poi and listening to music arielle and I herded our drunk parents and the rest back to the resort. When we got back they broke out a bottle of vodka. I was exhausted, but I hope I act that young when I'm in my 40's.

Thailand: Bringing Vision Back

Sunday August 24th
I fell asleep around 8pm and sleep all the way till 6am. It felt good to sleep that long. Breakfast was quite interesting, I just wanted some cereal, but I had to keep in mind to embrace the culture and not to be so.. well America! We loaded up the bus and headed to the hospital around 8am, when we got there, the empty chairs from the day before were now over flowing with people anxiously waiting for pre op's. We got off the bus and everyone went straight to to work, my job being to take pictures of course. I was sure that most of these people hadn't seen white people before, from all the stares I got, either that or I had a booger or something. I love taking pictures of all the people, I felt like a creep getting up in their face, but I got some good shots. I enjoyed taking shots of the kids the most, I was kneeling and one even came up and touched my hair, not many blondes in Thailand! I walked around taking photos for a good hour, all the people just sat patiently, happy to even be seen. They were the poorest of poor, it was probably some of their first time even seeing a doctor. walking out of the pre op room I caught one lady starring at me and gave me a big smile and nodded, i smiled back.Surgery would be starting soon and I wanted to be part of the first team that got to go in the OR (operating room). I found some scrubs, threw em on and found Kim, hinting I was ready to go. She gave me the go ahead and I went to the OR. Cheri explained the instruments and their purpose, and other necessities for surgery. Not long after the first couples patients were being prepped and Dr.Aryah and Dr.Haines followed and we were off for the races. I had seen John do cataract surgeries before, but always fun to watch. Cataract surgeries are fairly simple, a small incision is made close to the iris, then a small tool hooked up t the machine in inserted in the slit and works as a small jack hammer that breaks up the cataract. Then another tool is inserted and sucks it out, after that a new lens is replaced. Fascinating. I got some good shots of the first surgeries of the day and left, feeling as though I was in the way. The rest of the day I hung out with mirror one two crew. aka the 12-21 crew. We got to see the country side which was pretty rad, and we stopped at a Sunday market and tried some more pallet intriguing foods consisting of duck foot and fried banana. Back at the hospital, still hurting from jet lag I fell asleep on the cement floor and woke up to about 8 bug bites. I had a small heart attack about the possibilities of malaria, but felt better when John ensured me there was no malaria in this area. Surgeries ended around 9pm with a total of 50 surgeries, quite impressive. Tomorrow I think our goal is 65, bring it on.

Thailand: Indulging in the culture.. literally

Today was definitely a day that tested my comfort with western/ modern culture and lifestyle. We took a short plane flight to Trang (pronounced trong) where we met a few more doctors that we would be working with. The medical supplies wouldn't be making it to the hospital, so surgery was pushed back until tomorrow. Dr. Sam Su Ran the main Thai opthomologist of this mission planned a few pit stops on our way to the hotel since our day was now open. First stop, lunch. I was excited to try authentic Thai food as compared to Americanized Thai food, I just hoped for nothing too spicy or to out of the ordinary. The dishes ended up being quite normal and things I had eaten before in the US. I was a little worried when out Thai friends told us to not drink the water until they made sure it was ok. It ended up being fine, but made me a little nervous for future stops.

The next place we stopped was a cave. We took a boat down a river to get to it and once inside we came to a stop where we could get out, our guide showed us different formation from the cave rocks which were quite interesting. My favorite was all the tree roots that were in the cave from above. The two events that happened next was something that I was completely unprepared for. The cave ceilings were quite low, having to duck at times, but it was lit by lights through the walls. On our way out and back on the boat, we turned right instead of going straight out and kept going into the dark, our guide told us to lie all the way down and not to move. With a dinky flashlight he pushed us deeper into the dark side of the cave as the ceiling got lower and lower. it came so low that my nose would gently brush the ceiling. I had to keep myself calm and not think about it, after about 5 minutes Katie asked how much longer and he said "300 meters"! It felt like forever, John made the time pass with some jokes and finally we saw light. Our guides kept trying to ensure we were alright with "believe me, very exciting, believe me!". I was happy to finally see light and eventually sit up right. Getting out of the boat and still laughing about our extravaganza my mom found me and quickly told me to come look at the monkeys! I saw a few up in the tree's, but one of them was quietly sitting on the roof. Being touristy we "ooed and awwed" over the monkey until we were interrupted when we heard a loud noise and the monkey fell off the roof falling face first to the ground. I thought someone had shot him, but there were no signs of blood. The little monkey just reached out to us as he swayed and fell. His eyes rolling to the back of his head as he tryed to find somewhere safe. Confused on what happened to this poor animal I asked Nancy what had happened and she pointed and said "that man in the black shirt hit him with a sling shot", I looked at the coward and saw him laughing, he approached us and in broken english said that the monkey was crazy. At that point it took everything in my power not to scream at this worthless human being and take a sling shot to his head. I looked back at the monkey still reaching out to us as he obviously showed signs of head trauma. Kim had tears in her eyes as she took me back to the van knowing I would make a scene if I weren't pulled away. The man was still laughing.I sat in the van and looked around and noticed some monkeys eating from the trash cans. They were probably pests to these people, but this is their home too. They are the ones in their home and in no way were this monkeys threatening them or putting them in danger. If anything another tourist attraction and another way to bring people to their stupid cave. On the way to our next destination I tried to not think about the monkey, but I couldn’t help it. It bothered me so much. and why? It was only a monkey right? I thought a little deeper, if that was in America and someone had shot a squirrel with a sling shot just for fun, people would be extremely upset and if this person did that all the time, some sort of animal abuse unit would be called. Sure its "just a squirrel", but we realize that it feels and can experience pain, we give something horrible like that for no reason? Grrrrrr.

I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up we reached our third pit stop, the beach! Absolutely beautiful. Colorful umbrellas decorated the un-crowded shore giving it a tropic feel. After 20 minutes of picture taking and gawking, we were brought to the shade of the tree to a big table filled with food, i looked at my watch, only 3 hours since we had eaten last, wow these people sure like to feed us. The meal was definitely more exotic then the first. Sea snails, kfdklsfjdk, and durran. My first encounter with durran, luckily was a good one, but I would soon despised this fruit. With durran its only appropriate to cover all the senses. Let's start with sight, durran is about the size of a soccer ball, spiky and has a thick outer layer about 2 inches thick. AND that’s just how it looks. Moving on to the SMELL. overly ripe fruit + dirty socks + BO + propane= durran aka smells HORRIBLE. At least we were at the ocean and the smell was diluted a bit. The taste and feel of the durran is less horrible of the smell (thankfully). It quite mushy which is the reason I didn't care for it, but the taste is a nutty almond flavor, hard to explain. Finally we got to our hotel, I mean our resort (Bara Resort). I knew it was "nice" for a country hotel because of the toilet. It's a flushing, toilet paper included, western toilet, thank you Jesus. I all for trying new things, but I'll stick to the western style toilet, I'm over this squatting, drip dry what not.

Thailand: the land of smiles

Camp of course came to a sudden end as it always does, good bye's were said and last hugs took place and off I went, down that black top road out the gates and one last head turn over the shoulder to see the yellow and blue "Sandy Hill Camp" sign. This year brought a sense of closure and I feel in my heart I won't be back for another full summer, but never say never.
Lovely, beautiful Portland. How I love thee. It was so good to be home, but didn't last long. I literally took all the clothes out of my suitcases and put half of them back in and before I knew it I was started my journey to Thailand.

4am Eugene, OR airport:
I met the rest of our team.. medical eye mission 2008: Bringing Vision Back yo! No really that's what our shirts say, ok maybe not the "yo", but I sure wish they did.. maybe I'll sharpie mine in. Anyway, all of us had been told before hand that we were only allowed to check one bag because the other one would be a bag-o-medical supplies. After assembling a nice tower of suitcases and bags, Ms.Snatchface, an United Airlines employee disapproved of our mountain and pushed us in the long line with everyone else, our "we are going to go save the world" spiel didn't work. After a good 45 minutes of moving items around from bag to bag to meet the weight requirement we finally headed off to our gate and headed off to San Fransisco, CA.
San Fransisco, CA Airport:
Our layover in SF wasn't bad because my step dad is gangster status and has the red carpet membership which is were all the big wigs of the world chill out when waiting for their flights. The lodge had nice chairs, free bagels and fruit and not to mention a full bar in which I took advantage of. Nothing like a cocktail with the fam at 10am! My mom and I were off to a rough start, clashing as we do. I bit my tongue hard and hoped for the screaming inside to stop. God help me please, help me tolerate my mother on this trip for the sake of everyone. 12:30pm we finally boarded and off to Tokoyo we were. 10 hour flight, at least I got a window seat and a sleeping pill.
Tokoyo, Japan Airport:
Our layover was only suppose to be a few hours, but as we waited we were glued to the airports window witnessing a small typhoon consisting of large amounts of rain and lighting. Hmmm.. maybe we will be delayed. Off to the beer can vending machine, yes vending machine. Rad. Flight delayed. Flight canceled.. ugh. After a good 4ish hours John (my step dad) worked his magic and we got on a flight leaving later that night, instead of the next morning. I guess the "we are going to save the world" card works in foreign places. hah. 6 hour flight here we come..
BANGKOK, THAILAND:
Finaaallllyyyy. 2am 8/22 we finally met our destination. The "we are here to save the world" card worked for customs too. So getting through customs in record time.. not a bad gig. The Thai people that John and his nurses and techs have worked with for the past five years were there to greet us. Not surprising that our bags didn't show up, but definitely surprising when we realized that a two story, neon colored, black light and disco ball- PARTY BUS, was our ride to the hotel. hahaha. Luckily no strippers jumped out and we had a peaceful trip to our hotel. After getting to our hotel my first taste of Thailand was that there were a lot of stray dogs, advertising, poverished housing next to nice skyscrapers, and lots of motorcycles of all sizes color and styles.
Our hotel is ah-mazing. The Peninsula, apparently ranked in the top fifty in the world. This would be our home base for all our travels that we will be doing while we are here. I am rooming with K^2. Katie who is Johns 14 year old daughter and Kate who is 17 and the daughter of the director of the Newport, OR hospital. Both quite, nice girls. I didn't sleep much when we got to the hotel even though it was 5am. That whole time change thing, throws ya off. It was nice to rest in a bed horizontal and not vertical, like on the planes. 8am rolled around and I woke up to find their was a river outside our hotel that I didn't noticed at night. It was obviously used for transportation and I sat in the window for awhile watching the colorful boats go up and down the river. But soon enough I was in need of a friend named caffeine and I went on a search for coffee, I found my coffee and found an amazing buffet as well. I indulged in the fruit selection and wow, America, we are missing out. Even fruit we have at home like bananas, watermelon and pineapple are nothing compared to here. After breakfast I hung out in the room. Sweats pants + humidity= not a lot of fun. John showed up a bit later and we embarked of a journey to find a bathing suit for Katie and I so we could at least lay by the pool. We met up with the Arie family and we took a ferry across the river and hoped in a motorcycle cart thingy which was an experience in itself. The driver told us about getting in an accident awhile ago and being in a coma. Crazy little Thai man. He took us to this tailor that would give them free gas for doing so, we poked our nose in and we were instantly bombarded with sales men insisting we all needed suits. John and Kayron gave in, and before we knew it their measurements were taken and material chosen. Persistent buggers they were. We got to the BMK mall which was five stories, and probably had 1000's of stores because each store was the size of a cubicle, no exaggeration. Walking down the halls we heard about 10 different languages, it truly felt like the world had came together at this mall. My want to be there ended quickly with the smell of fish oil and confusion of where to walk, because it is the left side here, not the right. It's funny how we become so second natured to things like that. Back at the hotel we enjoyed Pina Coladas pool side and then jet lag kicked in for me and I was out at 5pm which I'm hating myself for because its 2am and I can't sleep. poop. Tomorrow we are off to our first round of surgeries, I'm excited. xoxoxo