A dream becomes reality

8am:
I lay in bed wanting to sleep more, but anxiety sets in and I'm forced to get up anyway. I throw on some shorts and a t-shirt and head to Ms.Trish's class who is a God send. An early 30's black body builder women, who loves hip hop and watching college students sweat. Her ab's and lower body class is 50 minutes straight of hard cardio and muscle strengthening. I take her classes not only to stay in shape but to calm myself during school.

After Trish's class I run home shower, make coffee, grab some food and head to the library. 10am-3pm I'm able to cover all of chapter 15 "Neural Integration: Sensory Pathways". read, highlight, listen to lectures and then rewrite all the notes, highlight and re-listen to the lecture. 3:20pm my brain can't handle much more, pathways, receptors and tracts are starting to blur together. I grab my standard triple shot skinny vanilla latte and study for another class both I head to Anatomy and Physiology with Good ol Ed Degrauw. A brilliant man whose first love is reptiles, but on the side teaches PSU students about osteoclasts, ganglia and other tedious details of the human body. He has accepted the role of basically decided the future of aspiring students hoping to enter the health field. Ed is a great professor, always comes to his office hours, holds study reviews, returns emails and will find time for one student (out of 600) if need be. It's a love hate relationship, I hate him because his brain seems to concept the digestive, nervous, muscle, lymph system in a way I will never understand. I hate him because his tests are HARD, incorporating 3 different systems and being able to know the outcome. I hate him because he is such a damn good professor and believes in us so much that I feel even worse when I get a bad grade on an exam, because I don't want him to be disappointed. I hate that he recognizes the students to work hard and even when its one in 600 and I hate him because of the pain I put myself through to pass his exams.
I plop myself next to Katy and Amy who have been there with me through the torture of A&P, nutrition, human development, stats, biology and many more. After class we hit up happy hour at the university bar, review our midterms, trade correct answers and then talk about anything other then school. 5pm I head back to the library, and stay until close, midnight. And that’s just a normal week as a biology major.
Finals are so painful, I barely can type it. I almost always overdose on caffeine, get close to no sleep and have an anxiety attack. Luckily I’m not out of place, every corner of the library is packed, trash cans are overflowing with coffee cups and everyone looks like death. Oh the aspiring youth of tomorrow, how we will someday graduate and maybe make descent money.
I made an appointment with my advising counsellor months ago, the nursing advisors are always busy. Michelle basically tells me the same thing every time I go to sort out which schools would be best to apply to, “Well Claire, your community involvement is incredible, so that will be a big plus to school who put emphasise on that area. As for your grade, well they are good, but just not as good as they need to be, to be competitive. I see you have a cumulative of a 3.2 GPA in your science courses, the C you received in human development and chemistry isn’t favourable on your application, have you considered taking those courses over?” yes I have. “Well I would definitely consider that, I think it’s good you are planning to apply outside of the NW, as you know Oregon and Washington have some of the best medical facilities in the nation. Have you considered another field you may be interested in? Physical therapy or Health education? You have the grades for that field and I would be more then happy to make an appointment with the advisor for that field.” No I want to be a nurse, not a PT or anything else, a nurse. “I see. Well consider retaking some classes and we will see where you stand after winter term”.
Pretty discouraging, but I have gotten use to Michelle basically telling me I will never make it. Still I work hard only to get B’s, what ever happened to working your hardest and that was enough? Katy tells me that she has a friend with a 4.0 (perfect grades) and was rejected from Oregon Health and Sciences University, two years in a row. Granted OHSU is in the top three best nursing school in America, but how can you do better then a 4.0? I kill myself over my classes, not to mention jazz up my resume as much as possible. I’ve been camp counselor for three summers, been on a medical mission, volunteered at the children’s hospital, been a part of two student groups at PSU including a high position in student government. I’ve fed the homeless, registered people to vote, raised money for Darfur and have made my school sustainable.
I’m someone who cares about people and doesn’t mind losing sleep to read about connective tissue or give up a Saturday to write a paper on development disorders. I just want to be a nurse, and I’ll be damn good at it. My patients aren’t going to care I got a C in Human development in 2007, or that I failed an A&P midterm. They are going to care that I know my shit and show empathy and understanding.
I came to Australia for a few reasons, one of them being I needed a break from school and how unhealthy it has been for me. I planned to be back in Oregon by January so I could finish the two classes I needed before I was eligible for nursing school for September 2010. When I learned that the requirement for Deakin University were a bit lower then the states, I applied, also that the price is close to the same for out of state tuition. Not to mention I wouldn’t have to take micro biology and another term of A&P, or retake the two classes I was going to re-take and I could start in March, not September. Although were grades were more then acceptable for Deakin it still seemed to good to be true.
Well I have been accepted to Deakin in a Bachelors of Nursing. It’s extremely overwhelming. I’m feeling so many different emotions (mostly good). It’s surreal that all those hours I the library, all those lost hours of sleep and four years in total of working hard in hopes of someday achieving my goal, is actually here. It’s real, it’s happening, and no one can take it away. Nothing means more to me then fulfilling my ultimate goal of becoming a nurse, and being accepted into nursing school is the hardest part. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to nursing school near home in Oregon or Washington, I just wasn’t expecting that place to be a different country. The degree transfers to the states no problem, after a few tests and Deakin is highly recognized in the States. Wow. Just wow.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I won’t be seeing my family for more then a few months out of the year. I’ll be leaving a lot of really good friends behind. My love for the mountains, snow and snowboarding will be greatly tested. I’ll be turning my back on a city that’s owns my heart along with the mountain that reside with it. But all for my number one goal in life, and I can’t complain to much about doing that in Australia. And yet.. another new chapter begins….


We all amde it! [Amy Katy and I]

possums, coffee addiction and cadburry chocolate

possum.

Ben and I were driving around in the country just outside Melbourne when we saw something furry on the other side of the road, Ben pulled over "Lets save the possum, otherwise he will get smushed"! Being human, of course I would save the animal, but the word possum put an image of an American possum in my head. That possum being an ugly grey, pointy nosed, rat tailed pest. When we got to the possum a crow was trying to pick him up, luckily we got there in time and Ben scooped him in his jacket. I was a bit hesitant to look at it, but when I did I saw the cutest animal I've ever seen. Big brown eyes, little paws and ears and mousey fuzz with a long tail that curls at the end! Ben and I took him to the vet and said goodbye, I was really excited to be a part of a aussie rescue.



coffee addiction.

One of the first things I noticed about Australia was that their portions (including coffee sizes) are A LOT smaller then the states. The biggest size they have here would be equivalent to our small. Trying to save money I have been ordering a small or when I'm feeling rich, a medium. Come to find out they only put one shot of espresso in their standard drinks, where as my standard coffee in the states has three shots. Another thing to note is that they don't have drip coffee here, only instant or espresso press. So when at home I'll have the espresso press which is equivalent to one shot of espresso per cup. Anyways, my point being that I have unknowingly cut my coffee addiction in half. I stayed with Ben for a few days and had to get back to Geelong for work so I had to get up at the ungodly hour of 7am to catch the train. I forced a cup of instant coffee and made note to get another coffee after I got to the station. I found a Starbucks and some gourmet coffee shop right next to each other and decided on the Starbucks to give me a bit of home. THEY HAD AMERICAN SIZES :) I was stoked, extra shot skinny vanilla latte please, "is three shots ok?", ummm yea! 30 minutes later my whole body was tingling and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I hadn't had a caffeine high like that since I worked at Abercrombie during Christmas shopping. Although I love feeling invincible via caffeine I knew I had had to much. But a triple shot latte was my norm at home! So its true, Australia's portion size has cut my addiction in half. Good thing, I'm probably adding a few years back to my life.


Cadbury Chocolate.

perfection. Yes we have Cadbury at home, but turn over the back of it, its owned by the Hershey company, so not REAL cadbury. There are about 10 different kinds of Cadbury and I've tried a majority of them, so amazing. I eat way to much chocolate.

Australia: things I'm missing and things I'm not

Missing:

Noahs bagels.. wheat bagel with sun-dried tomato cream cheese
Neil Fritzgerald
Oregon beer (Deshcutes, Ninkasi, laurelhurst etc)
TOMS shoes
David Lock
Rock climbing at the Circuit
Cheez its
Pine trees
College football
Snowboarding
Shannon Smith
Thai Peacock (restaurant)
Good Mexican food
Happy hour
My cat Mac
The price of alcohol
McMeninmans


NOT missing:

Cold cold weather
AMERICAN POLICY (health care system, education, economy etc)
Certain Portland residents
Large amounts of homeless people
Having a phone
Parking tickets
Not having any time to read
American radio stations
Anxiety
Pollution
Stupidly large portions when going out to eat
Orange County
Raccoons
Liquor stores closing at 6pm
Obesity
American chocolate
Overly religious people
sales tax

..AKA LOVING..

that Australia is a really green friendly country
Tim tams
Cadbury chocolate
Public transportation
The obsession with footy
ALL aussie animals
The ascents
The yogurt
$2/$1 coins
The nightlife
aussie boy
vodka/soda.. in a CAN

Australia: a job.. I actually enjoy

After a week of fun, I put my head down and went job searching. In two days I dropped off and applied to about 30 jobs. A week later "Black Bull Restaurant" called me for an interview. The interview went great and I started the following Monday. Black Bull is a gourmet Spanish restaurant that has an amazing wine selection as well. Although the shifts are a bit short, I actually love this job. My customers are usually "foodie" couples or a small group of middle-aged friends who love a good glass of red wine.
My night consists of talking to customers, learning about wine, awing over the amazing food as I bring it to the table, accepting the jokes that get thrown at me for being American and speaking the small amount of Spanish I know to Herando. I really enjoy the people I work with and that I'm finally learning how to make coffee. It's nice to not hate going to work, not to push sales on people and to be busy. Retail has been a majority of my work history and I hate it. I hate refolding the same pile of shirts because the store is slow, pushing sales and lying about how amazing that ugly shirt looks, dealing with unruly customers because "the customer is always right" and watching irresponsible moms let their kids use my store as a playground.

So obviously I'm stoked to be working in a restaurant, people come in because they want service, weird. I really enjoy talking to people and my ascent is always a conversation starter. Yay.

Blackbulltapas.com.au

Australian country side with my Australian country boy

After breakfast with Rich and giggling about G-bung madness Ben and I headed out to Bright Monday afternoon. The drive was beautiful through aussie country side complete with vineyards and livestock. We got to Bright around dinner time and went into town to find food which ended up being pizza. The place we went to was BYOB and I was more then happy with that, if I ever open a restaurant I'm definitely having it BYOB, such an amazing idea. Ben use to be on fire crew in Bright and had lived in a loft above a shed behind an old couples house, and that was our accommodation for the next two nights. The loft was adorable, right on the river and a great view of the mountains (which are more like big hills compared to oregon.. hehe). For the rest of the night, Ben and I were cute and just listened to the rain and drank beers.. bliss.

The next day was pretty great. Ben's friend Jeff had heard he was showing an American around Bright and decided to be a part of the hosting and took us to mt. cobbler. WOW. It took us a good hour of winding back road's and pot holes, but it was more then worth it when we got there. Mt. Cobbler had about three waterfalls that we gawked at before actually climbing out on them. When we got to the top we could see the whole valley, it was amazing. I felt special, because not many of the locals knew about this place, let alone a traveling American. After cracking a beer and taking in God's beauty we headed home and on the way back I saw my first kangaroo! It's so odd to me that this foreign animal that would be in a zoo at home runs around wild. It would be like a squirrel or deer to someone in the states, just another back yard animal. None the less I didn't hide my tourist excitement and squealed even louder when I saw a joey in the pouch!
That night we went to Ben's friend Sharpy's for dinner which was pickled pork. Yum. He has two son's, 4 and 6. I still can't get over ascents on little kids, it's so cute. It's good to see that Ben has so many good people in his life that go out of their way to spend time with him.
The next day we had tea with the couple that we were staying with. It's known to neighbors and friends that they have tea at 10am every morning and anyone is welcome. Having tea with a bunch of older people put a smile on my face, I definitely want to do something like that when I'm older. After tea we went for coffee with another couple Ben is friends with, a bit closer to our age this time. After that we walked around Bright which is an adorable mountain town. We made a few more drop in's to say hello to of all Ben's fans, we headed to Ben's dad's in Briagalong. The drive was phenomenal. We took a back road to cut some time and of course for the scenery. Australia has had quite a few forest fires in years prior but is in the process of regrowth, the result, indescribable. Funny how something so beautiful came from something so devastating. Nature is amazing in that way and I definitely felt like I was witnessing something bigger then myself. That is what I love about the mountains the most, the feeling of something bigger then you, powerful and alive. Ben stopped a few times so I could take pictures of this prehistoric looking world. Every few miles my surroundings kept changing drastically, not to mention we didn't see any type of civilization for a good few hours, I felt so alone but a good type of alone, alone and at peace. One of the stops we made was a big open field used during the summer to graze cattle. The air was a different level of clean and fresh, and the clouds looked like they were only a few meters above us, such a feeling of being alive I couldn't help but pinch myself and check that I wasn't dreaming of a place so exhilarating.
The ute took quite a beating from all the pot holes, windy turns and mud so Ben and I pulled over by a river to give the breaks a.. well.. break. Ben being as prepared as he is had a blanket and we were something out of a movie, laying by the river and watching the clouds.
A few miles down we stopped at the Dargo bar for a few beers, which is apparently a well known aussie bar. Inside the walls were lined with "stubby holders" which would be our cozie and of course the staple akubra (the aussie cowboy hat). The only trait that through off the aussie vibe was that baseball was on TV, the angels were playing, so I wasn't complaining. An hour down the road, we got to Briagalong, and went in search of food. Ben and I had started to get in a bad habbit of skipping meals because of all the distractions. The aussies love their fish and chips so I was happy to try their version of fish when my stomach was starting to eat itself. My conclusion of aussie fish and chips? Mo's in Newport, OR is better :) but the aussie still do a good job. Ben's dad's house is an adorable farm house complete with a view and the matching dogs. In the states the typical farm dog would be a collie or lab, but in Australia its the kelpie, looks kinda like a blue healer. Everyone was gone at home except Ben's sisters boyfriend Barry or as Ben calls him.. Bazzo. Bazzo is a tall lanky farm boy with the strong aussie ascent and attitude to fit. I finished off a bottle of champagne, we all played some pool, I sooked because the boys kicked my butt. The next day was amazing, LJ had told Ben that horses were basically my life growing up and that riding was something I didn't get to do very often anymore. Conveniently Ben's dad and sister owned horses! After a reassuring conversation to Erin (Ben's sister) that I was more then an experienced rider we got the go ahead. In my experience of riding horses for 15 years all the men that I met that were my age and knew how to ride were major hicks and obviously not being my type. The whole racism and illiterate thing doesn't exactly float my boat. So when Ben started speaking horse lingo and told me he knew how to ride, he instantly went up in my book. The ride was amazing, it rained off and on but it was still warm out which made it kinda romantic.. haha. The horses were great and I was happy Ben let us get some fun in and ran a bit. Swoop being an ex-race horse and Red being a stubborn follower, we had quite the race. I always forget how much I loving riding until I'm actually riding.
That night Ben and I decided to make dinner for Bazzo as a thank you for letting us crash. So being from California we know how to make some damn good tacos so that was my suggestion. On a side note, I have come to realize how much the Mexican culture is intertwined with the American culture. Every American knows basic Spanish words, can name at least 5 Mexican restaurants with in 5 miles and most likely employs one whether it be a house keeper, gardener or construction. So it was shocking to me when tacos wasn't a common meal and that I got a confused look when I said "no bueno". Anyway, it made me smile that my simple taco meal was a hit for Ben and Bazzo, I'll have to make enchiladas next time :)
The trip over all was perfection, good company, amazing sites and even a great surprise in the end with the ponies. And yes, to all of you at home scratching your head about "this Ben guy", pretty uncharacteristic of me to not be sampling the aussie cuisine, its true. We just fit well at the moment and seems to fall into everything I want, so why not? :)

Driving in an upside down world

Driving on the wrong side of the car and the wrong side of the road is hard to cope with.. not to mention I have only driven a manual a few times in my life, so I'm not very good at the whole shifting while trying to remember where I need to be on the road. Lj and I were talking about it, and why do some country's drive on the left and other on the right? Well the truth is, is that the left side was originally dubbed as the correct side to ride a horse on and walk because most people are right hand and could draw out their sword on an on comer if necessary. In the late 1700s, the shift from left to right that took place in countries such as the United States was based on teamsters' use of large freight wagons pulled by several pairs of horses. The wagons had no driver’s seat, so a postilion sat on the left rear horse and held his whip in his right hand. Seated on the left, the driver preferred that other wagons pass him on the left so that he could be sure to keep clear of the wheels of oncoming wagons. He did that by driving on the right side of the road. But gues what.. %72 of thr world drives on the right.. so you should just follow the trend Australia and drive on the right side, so I don't have to adjust. Thanks.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Rough times are meant to amplify the good times in life. I just wish I could believe that fully when those black clouds find their way into my sunny days. I have a tattoo even that is meant to remind me of whats important and whats worth living for. Three hearts on my wrist, a place I see often that stand for live laugh and love.

Well enough philosophy and a bit more Australia :).. I got to play with pretty birds on Saturday on the way to Shaun's grand final. The birds here are really tropical and make funny noises, I enjoyed being a tourist and feeding them.
AFL(Australian Football League) is similar to rugby in my opinion. I'm missing college football season back in the states and I'm a bit sad about that.. So this game was definitely a good enough to hold me over for awhile on missing football back home. Anyway, after the first two quarters I had a pretty good understanding of the game and I didn't mind looking at the boys who obviously have to stay in good shape for the game :). The end of the fourth quarter, they were down by two goals and ended up making three to win the game, quite an amazing first game I would say. Of course the boys had to celebrate their victory, so LJ, Em and I joined them at their club house. LJ and I drank until 3am and ended up getting home at 5am. They have mixed drinks that come in cans, including something called a pulse which is basically vodka and red bull, so those nasty things kept me up very late. It was fun being a novelty and hearing all the stereotypes about American. Everyone is much more laid back and friendly I continue to find, and I have no problem with that.

After sleeping all day on Sunday, we decided on round two at a bar called G bung. Definitely a Portland kinda bar, minus the copious amounts of broken glass everywhere including places it shouldn't be like in my drink. Yea.. I may be suffer from some internal bleeding for the next few days, no worries, Australia has universal health care.. yay! Dream team (Shaun Liz LJ and myself) never not have a good time so it seems and it was yet another good night. I started to feel a out of my element when people at the bar started talking to me.. note to self, aussies sound EXTRA aussie when intoxicated. LJ had to translate most of the time or I would just nod my head and act like I knew what they were saying. They also play this lovely game where you throw change in someone drink and they have to "skull" it. I'm not up to aussie par with drinking, this is true. So I didn't impress many people when it took me a good 5 minutes to "skull" my beer.At the moment I'm smiling about quite a few things, and it feels good. I can't find very many things that I not only like but love about Australia. I think the only thing I will find myself missing will be the mountains and snowboarding.. but winter in the states hasn't come yet. I'll have to block snow report websites from my computer, I might die if this season is as good as last year.

But when in Rome, do like the Romans. So it looks like surfing will have to replace my first true love for now. Australia summer is close enough!

Henry

Australia: finally

After four years of dreaming about coming down under, I’m finally here. My interest for Australia started when I was young with all the unique animals, existing only on that continent. It grew after I met a few aussies and came to learn that there wasn’t an aussie I didn’t like. When I bought this ticket, it was out of spite, anger and frustration going to show that good things can from bad.

Boarding the plane in LA was beyond exciting, I called the people who matter most one last time and I didn’t look back. The 11 hour flight was amazing thanks to a very large ambien cr pill. I slept like a rock for 8 hours straight and woke up with no grogginess. My layover in Fiji went well too, the airport people ushered me through a short cut because I was one of the few that had a continuing flight. I bought a water with a 5 dollar American bill and ended getting back 4.50 Fiji. Nice exchange rate there! The flight from Fiji to Sdyney went well also, I thought it was funny that the fruit that they served us with our meal was all tropical fruit since we had just left Fiji. I got through a majority of 1984 on that flight, finally getting to the good parts of the book. Flying into Sydney I saw the opera house and THAT was something that put a smile on my face. Actually seeing something so famous and monumental with my own eyes was exciting.

So everything was going great..until.. Sydney airport. I had decided at the last second to skip Sydney and go straight to Melbourne to meet up with LJ, so I had to schedule a separate flight. After getting both my bags I went back through the airport to check into my flight with JetStar to Melbounre. When I got to the counter and out my bags on the scale, she said the bags have to be 20kg and mine being a total of 50kg. I said fine, I’ll pay the extra fee, I was surprised they didn’t charge me in LA and it so bound to happen. She got out the calculator (weird I thought) and after a few punches of that she said, “that will be 530 dollars”. WHAT?! How is that possible?? Apparently its 10 dollars A KG that you have extra. Wow. So she pointed me in direction of the storage which I ended up declining because that was outrageous priced as well. So I decided it would be cheaper to throw stuff out then to pay that outrageous fee. So here is this American in the corner of the airport throwing out perfectly good shampoo, shoes, t-shirts etc and putting all my heavy stuff in my backpack to make my bags lighter .This cute Asian girl walked by and I asked her if she wanted my ADORABLE red Steve Maddens (because they weren’t about to go in the trash) and her friend ended up being the same size shoe as me and grateful took them. When I got back to the counter I put my bags up and it totaled to 40kg, perfect! Nope. It was 20kg total, not each!! So I ended up paying 200 dollars to get my fucking clothes to Melbourne. Not happy.

The flight was only an hour and a half and I was more then ready to be there. LJ looked exactly the same and we made quite a seen as we both squealed and jumped on each other at the airport.

LJ, being the thoughtful muffin she is rented a hotel room in Melbourne for two nights, before we headed to Geelong, which is where she lives outside of Melbourne. We quickly got ready and went out to eat at this cute Italian place and paid for it all. We met up with her friends, went bowling and had drinks bought all night! Her friend Liz even brought me vegemite and crackers with my name on it. They were so thoughtful and excited to meet me, it felt good to know that LJ had obviously spoke highly of me to them. We went back to the hotel the first night a bit early, obviously me being tired and expecting to suffer from jet lag with waking up 5 times that night to come. Well let me note I’m the worst when it comes to jet lag, the worst. Even when I went to camp every summer at the east coast it would take me the whole week of staff training to adjust to only a 3 hour difference. Thailand and Europe were obviously worst from that, getting sick both times and always being tired. Well that night I woke up once and slept until 8am. Amazing! That whole next day I wasn’t tired at all, I took a short nap and we ended up going out and everything. I didn’t suffer from jet lag at all!!! It’s honestly a miracle.

The next day LJ and I explored Melbourne which is like.. New York City and Portland had a baby with some Hawaiian roots. I loved it, cafes, art, small restaurants, museums, parks, such a cute city. Lots of culture, clean and old and new buildings just like Portland. The café we ate at also reminded me of Portland with the menu being a bit more gourmet and the décor being modern. At breakfast I learned that coffee doesn’t exist. Only drinks made with espresso which comes in small glass cups, and not your normal porcelain mug, odd.
The rest of the day we walked around, went to a sunday market and enjoyed people watching. We went to the Eureka sky building which is one of the highest buildings in the southern hemisphere. It was quite amazing and a great way to see most of Melbourne. We also went to the art museum and had a good collection including an Andy Warhol. LJ and I shared a sandwich at federation square and threw the extra bread to the birds. We named our favorite seagull Henry, who had quite the talent. He caught the bread where ever we threw it! Haha. After that we went to the "bottle shop" to buy some vodka which was $40 for 700ml which is smaller then our standard bottle (a fifth). I was so shocked, so friends if you want to send me something.. send me alcohol.. haha. LJ and I got ready and met up with her two friends Liz and Shaun and went to the casino where we lost 50 dollars. boo. We met a bunch of boys at the casino who I expected to buy us drinks, but apparently that's uncommon here, I'll have it get use to that.

The next day we headed to Geelong where LJ lives and goes to school. It's a little beach town and a lot smaller then Melbourne. Her house is old and she shares it with two other girls and two fluffy cats. Theres a big back yard with a place to have a garden, which I am very excited about. So far I'm having a hard time going from 95 degree weather to 55 degree weather. Although it's not necessarily cold, its a big change. I love the weather though, it rains for part of the day then its sunny, which makes it very beautiful and crisp. I hadn't seen the rain since I left Oregon, so I was very happy to see it again. Sitting on the wrong side of the car and driving on the wrong side of the road feels extremely awkward as well. It's as though I'm in an upside down world. Even when I wake up in the morning the sounds are different, the birds are more squawky and the cars are more buzzy. All in all, I'm so happy to be here. It's as though LJ and I never left each other and our friendship is still solid and strong. All my worry's have seem to drift away and I haven't thought about home once. It's only been three days and I think I'm already in love with this land of kangaroos.. which I still haven't seen yet.

one way ticket

Right now I'm feeling worried, unsure, scared, hopeful, nervous, annoyed anxious and excited.

I'm worried Australia won't work out the way I want it to, because nothing in my life lately has seemed to do so.

I'm unsure about the people in my life and why I don't seem to relate to most of them anymore

I'm hopeful about the future, about Australia, my love life, and my ultimate dream as becoming a nurse

I'm annoyed with people who don't evaluate themselves and their actions

I'm anxious because its genetic

BUT most of all I'm excited. I'm excited to leave California, to go to a country I have never been to before. To see LJ, a camp friend I haven't seen in two years. To have not have a cell phone. To only have to suit cases full of clothes and essentials. To eat vegemite and to meet new people. To truly be 22 and take adavantage of no commitments and live this life. To leave knowing I have an amazing supportive family and a few good friends at home. To eventually go back to the city I love and start over.

Life sure throws a lot at us. How we deal, is essential. I'll embrace it. Here I come Australia, get ready for me..

family

My cousin Chase, being a nut! We have no idea where he got this.

me in a nutshell

33 Mandrake

Alli and I said goodbye to Rena on Wednesday night, and also to our cat Jude. Rena decided to take the kitten we rescued home with her.

Alli and I continued to pack and clean. We made our last box of mac and cheese and chocolate milk and parted this afternoon.

3:34pm text message: cricket: I miss you already....

frick. time is a crazy thing yo. I can't believe how fast this summer went by. It was truly a great one and I'm so happy how everything worked out. We lived in a converted garage all summer, eating otter pops, drinking beer, eating a lot of pasta and yelling at our cat. 33 Mandrake, I'll miss you. I'll miss Frank from Germany and all our great talks. Johnson and his random concoctions of food and of course his ranting. Even USC Dan, who is very USC but is a lot of fun to piss off. Even Andreas and his living room turned into a bedroom and his nightly musicals that he so loudly sang to. I'll miss the Mandrake crew, it was fun coming home to a house full of great people that were always up to something fun. Living in a house with 7 other people was definitely a riot. I love that the trifecta find ourselves in the best and most ridiculous situations. I love my friends, the experiences we had this summer, what we learned and how we grew.

commmunication in song

To: Me...From: You


"The First Single" by the format

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

[Chorus]
You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without, all the people I have left behind
What's the point of going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight, straight line
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

[Chorus]

And I hate what I've become.

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything I've done

[Chorus x2]

Yeah
Over me
Yeah
Over me


To: You
From: Me....


"Hot N Cold" by katy perry

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

[CHORUS]
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

[CHORUS]

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

[CHORUS 2:]
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down...

Book worm

I wanna read..

-Mere Christianity By CS Lewis
-The Time Travelers Wife By Audrey Niffenegger
-A Brave New World By Aldous Huxley
-The Penny By Joyce Meyer

I recommend..

-All about Love By Bell Hooks
-The Shack By William Young
-All Donald Miller books
-The Giver by Lowis Lowry
-The Secret Lives of Bees by Sue Kidd
-The Alchemist By Paulo Coelho
-1984/Animal Farm By George Orwell
-To Kill a Mocking Bird By Harper Lee

I've read..but not so great..

-Einsteins Dreams By Allan Lightman
-The Case for the Creator By Lee Strobel

status

This is the first summer since high school that I am not at camp working as a summer camp counselor. Although it has been such an amazing experience at River Way and Sandy Hill camp, like everything in our lives there comes a time we have to move on and embark on new adventures. It's like high school, its what you make it. High school was great, but when I graduated, I moved on.

For the past 22 years of my life my life has generally been pretty structured. I went to school from September-June and camp in the summer. Of course there are always some bumps in the road that threw off my structure but I always had a schedule. Generally Tuesdays and Thursdays I had class from 1-8pm, I worked Mondays and Fridays, went snowboarding on Wednesdays and Sundays and out to the bars on Saturdays. I always took my finals early in June and off to camp I went until September and repeated the schedule. For the first time I'm not living off loan money or the comfort of Sandy Hill cabins and cafeteria food. I'm working a real job and living off my own money. I sound sheltered yea? I don't think so. There really isn't many people my age that pays for EVERYTHING by themselves. Sure I worked plenty of jobs and paid for my share of bills, but I have never been truly on my own. paying rent, food, gas etc all with my own money while trying to save for traveling. It's definitely scary, but liberating.

My point of this ramble isn't for you to give me a pat on the back for being an adult and working full time job to make the money necessary for sustaining my life and earning the money necessary for my desires. My point is that I am able to sit back and understand my place. Structure molds our minds into a type of narrow mind. I had my time to study for school and the people I did that with. People I snowboarded with on those Sundays and Wednesdays. People I went to the bars with on those Saturdays and of course camp and the life that came with it. I'm not down playing the amazing experiences I have had doing all these things, but realizing that there is so much more.

I can't even begin to cover every aspect of what I have learned about people in my life, but the word to some it up well is status. I thought by leaving my hometown of orange county and living in Oregon, home of the hippies and artsy liberal goo rues that I was escaping status. wrong. There's the pro snowboarders of mt. hood, the aspiring cinematographers of the Art Institute, the graphic designers of some artsy company, the PSU athletes and the list continues. I myself am guilty of status as well. My status at school and who I knew, my status on the mountain and who I knew and my status at camp and who I knew. I am only realizing this now when I have taken myself out of it. I feel a bit dirty to be honest, that something so surface snaked its way in my life without me knowing, how rude. Luckily I'm doing my best to shed out of it.

Funny thing happened a few months ago that changed my status...

Well, I dumped the snowboarder. Why? He got caught up in that status and with others who cared about the status. Girls who wanted to be in his life because the letters I and M was on his hat. "Friends" who only used each other for rides and a posse to show up to party's with. The long weekends to countless competitions with all the right people and sponsors. Can you guess what happened when we broke up? My status dropped :). The people who were more caught up in that nasty status dropped me like its hott. I was a bataleon riders girlfriend. So of course ms.Maui fever needed to be my friend and so did the friends girlfriends, even the 17 year olds. As soon as I wasn't the girlfriend, I was useless. I wasn't an in to that world anymore. Sad for those people who see it that way. I'm grateful I was slapped in the face of what type of people I attracted but it disgusts me at the same time to know those people exist. So many people were my "friend" because of who I was dating and who I knew because of that. They care so much of what people think about them they have to do, think and say what everyone else does, because god forbid sacrificing their status.

*I'm never dating a professional anything ever again.

one love I'm sure of..

what is it about that first cup of coffee in the morning, or the afternoon iced mocha or late night triple shot study latte?

coffee I love you, thank you for never letting me down.

standards

So many people settle for less for numerous reasons. I refuse. I don't care if I never get married or if I get married next year. I get bored easy and why stay with someone that bores me? Why be concerned with what society tells us that we need to get married by age 26, have 2.5 kids, a dog, careers and a nice house, car and boat. Screw that. I would much rather be 45 and meet the love of my life and live happily ever after then settle with someone that I start a life with, share a bank account and have some kids only to divorce 10 years later. Then we have to do the splitting of items, talk custody of kids and of course the shame of divorce to our friends and family because we never truly cared about each other only what everyone thought of us anyway. I think I'll skip that mess of that bullshit and just have some higher standards now. Here's a few things I know I want in a man (not a a boy) at this point..

read books
have a passion
love animals
be active
be healthy
like to dance
not have the "only child" syndrome
have empathy
be open minded
have beliefs and reasons why
brag about me to his friends and family
love music
have a love to travel
calls me out on my shit
outgoing
not afraid of what people think
play games with me
spontaneous
love kids (not necessarily want them)
have some cooking talent
NOT materialistic
doesn't care about status
has real, true, good and genuine friends
love people
artistic edge (because i'm not)
laughs a lot
sticks up for what he believes in
cares about the environment
supports gay rights
loves the mountains
isn't afraid of being wrong
doesn't let me get cold (i hate being cold)
remember the little things (like i'm allergic to orange juice and i boycott exxon)

and most importantly.. teaches me ad makes me laugh A LOT :)

bucket list

1. run a marathon
2. Go to a superbowl game
3. Become a registered nurse and use my skills in different countrys
4. Learn to speak another language
5. Climb a mountain
6. Go to the Olympics
7. Cross country ski
8. Learn to drive a stick shift
9. Learn how to make dad's BBq
10. Own all Disney movies
11. Snowboard Whistler
12. Go to a concert at the Gorge
13. Watch the sunset and sunrise in one day
14. Go to October fest in Germany
15. Go on a road trip across the US
16. Learn how to play a song on the piano (preferable white houses)
17. Have a garden
18. Learn about every religion
19. Kiss someone I love during fireworks
20. Have a library
21. Still hold hands when I'm old

adding each day..

change

change: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone

the actual definition of change is quite interesting to me. To make different in the form of content, nature, future, etc.. if left alone. Webster is very accurate in this case. Change can't truly occur if we don't allow it to, or want it to for that matter.

bring it

homeless, poor and its fuckin hot outside.. but we have eachother :)

I haven't even been in Fresno for two weeks and I feel like its been months. Rena and I were staying with Alli's parents in Clovis in a beautiful two story home with a pool. It was a wonderful situation with Alli still being in school we just looked for jobs and hung out by the pool while she was gone. Rena and I sat down with Alli's mom Marci the first night to know what was expected from us and what was expected was close to nothing. Rena and I got in a routine of picking up after ourselves, doing the dishes, helping with dinner and taking the trash out. After only a week Alli told us that her mom was frustrated with us and felt used. Rena and I being extremely grateful this whole time were horrified and embarrassed she had told Alli this. We stepped up our efforts only to hear more concerns that Marci had called Alli to complain about us. Rena, Alli and I were all confused about what we were doing to ever show the slightest disrespect. We didn't want to intrude and feel unwelcome, so we packed our bags.

Marci and Allan were shocked when we told them we were leaving. They honestly acted like little kids that had said nothing. It took awhile for them to even admit they were bothered with Rena's shoes in the laundry room and my towel on the floor in our room. Rena and I simply asked "Why couldn't you just tell us to pick up the shoes and the towel", they respond with "you should have known to do that". We explained what home is like for us, why we wanted to have a conversation in the first place about standards and rules of the house and how important communication was. They didn't have much to say, I was proud of Rena and I on how well we handle the situation and expressed our dislikes with how the Suvanto's handle the entire ordeal.

I felt like Rena and I were the adults teaching kids how to communicate. It so absolutely important to know how to communicate for any relationship to work, whether it be a friendship, relationship, family or boss. They were quite receptive to what we said and asked us to stay, but we kindly declined knowing that this family had an awkward way of working that wasn't anything close to what Rena and I came from. It's interesting to me how norms of different family's can be so different and even though I'm only a state away from home, I feel farther and farther away from it every day.

So we were homeless but luckily Alli's amazing friend Enrique has taken us in. He is very clean for a guy and lives super close to KKG. He's pretty rad to take Rena, me and our mound of shit into his apartment. After being here for two weeks Rena and I have quickly found who are the people we like to be around. The past couple days has been lots of beer pong, 4 binger (new game we love) and Rena shot gunning beers. I have picked up a new hobby of picking up beer cans and volunteering to take them off the owners hand, yes I'm that poor. I think the drinking has caught up with me, I'm suffering from an outrageously sore throat. I hope its not strep throat.

On a happier note Rena and I made a deLISH dinner tonight, sat on the floor and used Allis long board as a table as we listened to sermons online. Although we are homeless, poor and can't go outside because its 105 degrees, we know what we want and need this summer. Most of all we are happy and content, we are taking the challenges head on and smiling because we have each other.

Picking up the pieces

This past month has been quite easy for me to cut off what has only hurt me. I hardly ever think about it because there is nothing positive to remember. The few times he came across my mind were unwanted and train of thought was quickly changed.
I think its quite beautiful how some people come into our lives a certain times. Rena told me that her friend Riley was going through a situation with his girlfriend that reminded her a lot of what I went through. They skype all the time and he asked her if he could talk to me about it, seeming how I went through it. I had talked to Riley with Rena a few times before, and what I knew of him so far was that he was a person similar to me in the sense of our love for people and life. Our talk on skype started fine, everything he expressed to me, down to the details was everything I had experienced. Watching him express his confusion, I felt myself being taken back. The more questions he asked the more I realized how much I had already repressed memory's and emotions that went with the relationship. When he asked me questions I had to rack my brain for a moment to remember what exactly happened so I could explain to him. I began asking him questions like "does your heart hurt constantly?", and when he explained how he was feeling, that he felt so confused, that she had manipulated him to think he was crazy and over reacting, yet his heart was telling him something different. Sitting here on the computer staring at a stranger express to me how cut he was, brought back unwanted emotions. It broke me to hear that someone was going down the same road that I was on not long ago. It took some big road signs and bumpy detours to finally get off that road and I would never wish that on anyone to feel what I did. Riley reminds me a lot of myself in many other ways and I think its amazing when people come into your life, even only for a moment and changes everything...

I didn't think much about the conversation him and I had and I put those emotions back in the locked part of my heart, so I thought. Later that day Rena and I headed to Kappa with Alli and got ready for a needed night of drinking. I must of had a lot building on my subconscious, because the alcohol sure let it out. We went to the phrats and Alli kept introducing us to tons of people, Rena and I found a beer pong set up and that was the end of it. Although I was having fun myself, I was so sick of the ignorance and immaturity that I was experiencing around me. It wasn't like I expecting much anyway, but for some reason I was enraged. College boys being college boys at a party came up to me through out the night and everything they had to say was complete stupidity. An easy way to start conversation was the fact I was was Oregon, and although Oregon borders California everyone acted as though I was from a different country. At first the sterotypes were funny, but after awhile I blew up. I had no respect for these people and I acted on it, BADLY.

The next day Alli confronted me about it and I was confused myself why I acted the way I did and apologized genuinely. Blame it on the al al al al alcohol baby!! We laughed it off and prepared ourselves for an event one of the phrats was putting on at the local water park. I told Alli I was going to try hard to just not express my opinions, there was no need. I the way to the water park, sitting on the bus, we were surrounded by phrat boys that kept saying "thats gay" and making fun of Rena for being from Canada, which really bothered me. I didn't say much, but after getting through that bus ride I felt strong for the rest of the day. After a few beers and a round of volleyball the boys started to grow on me. I was having good time and appreciated their fun loving attitude on the day. Most of the day was quite wonderful, it wasn't until more people showed up and my beer drunk faded that something happened to me, that I have never felt.
I decided to lay in the shade and relax while Rena and Alli went on more rides. As I lay there listening to everyone talk around me, this wave of anger came over and completely took over. My anxiety kicked in and my heart hurt. Suddenly I hated where I was and felt incredibly homesick. The girls were talking shit about each other, consisting of so and so going to formal with so and so. That they were so drunk last night that she made out with so and so. The guys talking about getting drunk. All these things are things I talk about, but I knew that this is all these people had to offer to the world. They were all so surface and lost in my eyes. Now that I look back on it, this anger that had engulfed me, honestly was like something was taking over my body that was beyond my control, it was something I had never experienced. It is not me at all to be a mean person, even when I don't care for someone of something. In this case it was much different. I instantly wanted to leave and let Alli know exactly why in front of everyone. I humiliated her and myself doing so, letting everyone feel I was better then them. I honestly didn't care what these people thought of me, because I felt they were a waste of my time. On the bus ride back, I knew what I had done was uncalled for and wrong, but I still didn't care. I let Rena explain to me why Alli was upset and didn't say a word. I knew what she was going to say and I knew that it was all true. What I didn't know was why I had acted the way I did, why I was so hateful and why I didn't care. When Rena said "Claire this isn't you", it kind of came to me. These people who had no substance and extremely superficial were the exact people that I was compared to by the ex and the type of person he had become. The exact type of girls that made his eyes wander and the guy friends who cared nothing about him other then who he was. The boy I fell in love what was nothing like what he is today and I guess I carry a lot of confusion and anger with me because of that.

I guess its a silly time to learning how to swim when you start to drown. Not dealing with what cuts us deep, takes us deeper into sadness eventually and take it out on those who care about us most. I am so grateful to have two people in my life that have obviously been put here for a reason. There are no two people in this world that are more understanding and patient with me then Alli and Rena. I will get through this, I will let go, I will forgive, I will love. I have to remember it's ok miss someone, it's to be weak sometimes and it's ok not understand love.

I could easily blame him and just not care like I have. But I will embrace this growth, I will be the person I know I am who loves people and loves life. Who isn't negative or bitter. How I will get there will take time, effort and my best friends, but I will get there.

No boys need apply, men only

I know it's a mix of anger and bitterness, but I have to get this out.

I am so sick of guys who are so incredibly surface, in personality, thought, beliefs, ideas, morals and most importantly.. LOOKS. It honestly disgusts me. First of all I absolutely hate it when guys call a girl "hott". A girl that's "hott" is Jessica Simpson or Pamula Anderson, girls with absolutely no substance and only boobs and a fit body to offer. On the other hand calling a girl pretty or cute implies more of an appreciation of how they present themselves as opposed to "I would love to fuck her". You BOYS think you're so clever too. Like you're going to sweep us off our feet with your pathetic charm. Here are a few examples..

-A guy I know from camp messages my friend Nancy (he doesn't know her) who yes, is attractive flirting with her saying shes hott blah blah blah, like shes going to drop everything because he finds her fuckable. So I am obviously friends with him on facebook to look at pictures of me and my friends.. ummm... deleted.

-This guy I have studied with a few times invites me out for his birthday, innocent, friendly gesture I thought, but he then confesses his love for me and I ask him why he likes me and I get "because you are the hottest fuckin girl ever". So charming!!

-My favorite is when I'm hanging out with a guy friend and their lame friends ask me "Hey Claire, do you have any hott friends?" Like oh, yea, you definitely deserve the presence of my friends. I'm definitely here to just auction off my friends to worthless pieces of crap like you, that ask for my "hott" friends because going back to the definition of the word, you really only want to fuck them. You don't want to know who they are, have a conversation or ever know their last name. Lets be serious.

There is so much more to me then a cute face and nice butt. I'm so tired of being looked at as prey. I have a brain, I value my intelligence, my morals, my beliefs, my family and friends. I don't find myself overly beautiful personally, but sometimes I wish I was more plain, because maybe then I would attract MEN (not boys) that respect women in all ways, for their beauty, mind and heart. There are definitely girls out there who ask for this type of negative attention by how they behave, dress and talk. But boys do not judge a book by its cover. There are plenty of us girls out there that happen to be pretty AND smart at the same time. What a damn concept?!

when one door closes another opens..

Leaving to the airport on May 2nd my anxiety took over, I was actually leaving Portland and it finally became real. As soon as the plane left the ground the tears came, it was quite symbolic that when the plane fly past downtown, over Northeast Portland, Mt. Tabour, Southeast and knowing that Mt. Hood was visible on the other side of the plane. Every part of Portland that the plane pasted over flooded my mind with memories from the past three years at Portland State. I felt content with my experiences and lessons learned. I was happy the people I had in my life and I knew that they would be there when I return. The tears were mainly me letting go of the relationship that I was leaving behind that was truly the end. I stopped trying to make sense of something that was never going to make sense. My heart hurt for him one last time and as the plane got closer to the clouds and Portland began to fade, so did the emotions and I fell asleep. Waking up to the announcement that we were about to land in Long Beach felt empty. It wasn't until I saw my family and felt the warm air that I felt my choice was the right one.
My best friend since 8th grade, miss Nancy Tolman had a lot to do with my choice of leaving Portland during my last trip to Huntington Beach a month earlier. Her and I had a big talk during that time about all my worries and need for change after a night of drinking on Newport Beach. In our clothes from the night before, tights and all, sitting in the sand we cried and hugged. We went back to the same spot on May 4th and smiled in content. It was quite healing.
May 5th was the day Rena, Alli and I would reunite. My dad found a car for me to use for the summer, an old toyota, but a car is a car! He packed me a cooler of food and made me promise I would call every hour as I drove to Fresno. It's only a 4 hour drive, but I am a daddys girl, and he sure does worry. As i drove to Fresno, it made me happy to think of Rena headed to the same place on the plane. Our reunion was perfection and so will our summer :)

Love & Learn

I'm back!!
My mind is finally in a place I can spill my fears and loves in a way that is good for us all. Well friends, not to be a Debbie Downer, but fall and winter term this year has been complete shit. I have no idea why exactly everything wrong had to happen all with in a 6 month period but luckily I have found some purpose in it all, the biggest one being restless Claire coming out of hiding. I'm not one to be happy being in one place for more then a few months at a time. Portland will always will where my heart resides, but the world has me flirting with all sides.
Too make a long story short every good thing in my life turned bad. I had fraud happen to me in October and $2,000 stolen. My mom and step dad separated in November and Josh and I broke up not long after. Anatomy and Physiology had taken over my life and eventually soul. Best friends had drifted away and new ones turned out crazy beyond belief. Health problems came with the stress which lead to financial instability. *sigh.
Luckily Rena and Alli my best friends from camp came to rescue..
Let me explain this relationship these two girls and I have.. anyone who knows me well, knows that camp is a big part of my life. I met Alli summer 2006 at River Way Ranch Camp in Fresno, CA. We became good friends and stayed close in the off season of camp. I met Rena summer 2007 at Sandy Hill Camp in Northeast, MD. She reminded me so much of Alli and her and I ended up being co-counselors most of the summer and great friends on top of that. At SHC the following summer (2008), Alli decided to come to SHC and as I imagined Rena and Alli clicked right away. Three's have never been so perfect in the history of the world with us three. They remind me that life is beautiful in so many ways. That even when life is upside down, there is beauty hidden somewhere in all that mess. AND of course they share a love for kids, helping others, volunteer work and activism with me which makes us three even more meant to be. They came to visit me December 26th-January 5th and I started to feel the weight of the world being lifter off my shoulders. My worries, doubts, anger and stress eased and I could breath again. Thats a powerful friendship right there. After many drunken nights and amazing talks, they went back to their lives and I felt a bit stronger and clear on myself and my life which was started to piece back together. Josh and I worked things out, my family was civil again, I had an income and it was a new term of A&P. This sense of hope only lasted a few weeks until the eye of the storm passed. Every aspect of stability went back to instability. It was quite a tease to have everything seem to work itself out only to break in more pieces. I was scared to lose myself completely that I held on to anything that gave me comfort and I held on tight. My boyfriend for over a year was obviously what I leaned on, only to find that he wasn't the person I fell in love with. It took over 2 months to realize he was a big cause to my downward spiral. My caring, fun, respectful best friend was replaced to someone I didn't even know. His selfish nature, disrespect and lies showed a side of him I never knew existed. The worst part of this was that I blamed the snowboarding industry for turning him into this person I didn't even know anymore. I started to resent snowboarding and anything that was affiliated with it. Snowboarding is something that has always been my escape and love. I just happened to date someone that shared that love.. and eventually ruined it for me.
END OF MARCH..
Enough was enough with my crumbling life and unfortunately Josh was the breaking point. School is extremely important to me and I put everything I have into school to make myself competitive for nursing school in the furture! I wasn't getting good grades because of anxiety, and hated myself for letting it affect me to a point of no return. After a much needed trip home to California to visit my family and best friend I acknowledged my need for change and acted on it quite drastically. within 12 hours I had made living arrangements in Frenso, CA with Alli and Rena, gave my two weeks at work, dropped my classes for spring term, told my roomie to find a new one, told my parents my plans, bought a ticket to SoCal for May 2nd and damn it I was so outta Portland.

TODAY
I'm so much happier then I thought possible. It's beautiful to me how gracefully things fall into place sometimes. My love for snowboarding is finally my own again and I owe a big part of that to Darcy. Not being in school gave me a lot more free time and I found myself at the mountain about 3-4 days a week. For once I wasn't known as Josh's girlfriend on the mountain. A few pow days and t line park sesh's later I felt like an old friend had moved home. Mt.Hood was no longer memories of Josh, but new memories with new friends.