updated bucket list

1. Become a registered nurse and use my skills in different countries
2. Run a marathon
3. Rock climb.. outside
4. Learn to speak another language
5. Climb a mountain
6. Watch the Olympics live
7. Cross country ski
8. Become a confident sewer
9. Learn how to make dad's BBQ
10. Own all Disney movies
11. Go wine tasting with my friends
12. Go to a Sasquatch
13. Own a horse and ride consistently.. again
14. Have a pen pal
15. Go on a road trip across the US
16. Learn how to play a song on the piano (preferable white houses)
17. Have a garden
18. Learn about every religion
19. Kiss someone I love during fireworks
20. Have a library
21. Still hold hands when I'm old
22. Find a four leaf clover
23. When I can afford it: eat only "happy meat" and organic
24. Go on a picnic somewhere hidden
25. Own a legit camera and know how to use it
26. Go to Mardi Gras
27. Be a foodie for 3 months
28. Make the Portland book
29. Donate blood
30. Open a hostel/ manage one
31. Go to a semi-big horse race and wear a big hat/ fascinator
32. Go to a TED talks
33. Have a get away home, probably in the mountains
34. Continue to add to my volunteering experience

Travel Bucketlist.. in order
1. South America
2. Antartica
3. New Zealand
4. Africa
5. South Africa
6. China
7. Asia
8. Russia
9. Europe

Accomplished:
-skydiving (March 2008)

-White water rafting (January 2009)

-living in another country (2009-2010)

-Jump off a cliff into deep water (2010)

-learned to drive a manual (Spring 2010)

-Watch the sunset and sunrise in one day (summer 2010)
Sunrise: Delicate arch, UT
Sunset: middle of no where Utah and I have to give some credit to the person who remembered this was on my bucket list and made it happen.

-Crater lake (August 2010)

-Snowboard Whistler (March 2011)

Whistler: check off the bucket list

Bucket list #11.. snowboard whistler

My best friend miss Rena Murray decided some adventure was needed in her life and packed up her newly established life in Vancouver, BC and move it to Whistler for this year's season. Taking full advantage of this, I drove myself the 7 hours to be in the presence of solid friends, snow and an atmosphere full of freedom, a feeling that was nonexistent for me during this past term. Rena also lives with my other fabulous friend Cori, 2 other Canadians, an aussie and the token pro snowboarder so the week was social to say the least.

Why is was Whistler on my bucket list? 

I've been snowboarding for a long time and I'm quite a fan of it. Mountains make me feel small, alive, carefree, happy, at home and even contributes to my belief in God. It's one of the few things that lets me release and actually clears my wandering mind. Whistler is famous for a reason, epic terrain for all your snowy needs, so I had to experience that at some point in my life. My experience? It was more then I could ask for. I got to ride with my good friend Riley Merrell which was amazing in it's self. He showed me some of his favorite spots and got to catch up whilst taking the "peak to peak" gondola. Whistler gave me three blue bird days and for free thanks to Cori (yes I'm incredibly blessed). To give you an idea of the size.. It took four lifts to get to the top and when we decided to ride all the way back to the village it took a solid 45 minutes.. riding hard. Surreal. Mr. Rasman, Whistler local and who's job is to literally snowboard (must be nice minus all those damn emails) even said "I've been riding this mountain for 10 years and I still find things that I haven't ridden". YUP.

The village itself is awesome, people from all over the world with different ascents all coming together in the celebration of beautiful mountains :) No doubt will I be back.

Portland, Oregon AKA Home of the Hipsters

So when my house was looking for a new room mate in December we got this reply to our ad. I thought I'd share the hilarity of the essence of Portland hipster..

Hey there! So my name is Ben, I'm interested in the place. I live in SW currently and want to move to the East side for many reasons, especially that most of the people I know and shops I visit are there. I work in Oldtown and at PSU, most of what I do is photography related math problems. Commuting is by bicycle only, and bicycle repair is by me only, and I love it that way (despite distance!). I recently purchased a big scooter for out of town trips. I'm very into ceramics, knitting, sewing, fixing things, photography, cold weather, and glaciated volcanoes (hence the scooter, there's just one glaciated volcanoe within bicycling distance). I cook for myself and want to learn new things in that arena. I'm lively but quiet about it, given a choice I'd rather play capture the flag in a park instead of drink beer. Or, both at the same time! Personally not so much into TV, sensationalism, consumerism, waste. Looking for a nice home where people share laughs and meals and other fun things, not on a schedule but rather just... you know... human.

I have always loved with having one foot on the ground

"And then it was over, and somehow I thought ‘I’m free… finally.’ I was allowed the opportunity to go on and keep being myself. But now, after 6 months, I still can’t help feeling like I was most free when I was with him. I was free to love as hard as I wanted and be accepted, truly, for every part of me, including my shortcomings. I was free to tell someone exactly how I felt about them, and how they made me feel about myself, and bask in the loveliness of not needing anything else. From what I can tell, he’s convinced himself that he’s never been happier. Maybe he thinks ‘fitting in’ will be the answer to finding another girl that loves him more than I did, or finding one that won’t make him hurt as bad as I did." 

"My advice to you is stop being selfish and start loving as hard as you can. Don't listen to anyone else, and for the love of God, if you meet someone that is your perfect compliment, bring him with you wherever you go. "

-One that will remain nameless

Thank. you.
Thank you and thank you, for putting words to exactly what I couldn't put words to, my wonderful friend. Yes we all get it Claire, your incredibly independent, outgoing, bold, with a severe case of change addiction. You can solo mission 1,000's of miles, not dare be dependent on anyone, persevere through troubled waters, bend over backwards for academia and do it with fuckin smile.

we-get-it.

Sighhh.. it's suppose to be this way. It's hard for me to say that, but it is. I see you chasing simple, in spite, because this was everything but simple. Spite. I mean I get it, simple is easy and stable which is probably comforting after all has been said and done, but I know you wonder through the angst..
Meanwhile, I'm trying to smile through the truth. I wish simple was enough, I really do, life would be like yours- stable. I have accepted that simply isn't me, but I am thanking you for showing me that being free comes in different forms. Thank you. This is the reason a piece is with you. This is the reason that this is not a new chapter, but a new book. This is the reason why I don't recognize myself in old photos. This is why I'm not scared anymore. This is why, you are.

..I take blame for that, so please. Please don't harbor the bitterness. 

Talk about vulnerable. Public confess. Slowly but surely, placing both feet on the ground, no more fear. Funny how every person's fear is unique to them. My current one a sort of oxymoron is you ask me. Thats what life is. Finding your monsters and learning to face them, to then hold their hand, understand them and send em on their way, closing the door behind them. It's easy to just exist, to sweep things under the rug, to be a victim, to live the life of easy. The consequences to that lifestyle are huge, yet settle. Huge that those people will never truly feel, settle that simple existence continues. I find myself in this often it seems, but the recreation always shows my a new color in the world that I never knew existed before.

I don't care if it's ugly, ITS VINTAGE!!!

Vintage: representing the high quality of a past time: vintage cars; vintage movies.
People of today and their the use of the word "vintage" makes me laugh a lot. Therefore.. this site makes me laugh a lot..

http://www.regretsy.com

For those of you who don't know, it's a site that makes fun of some losers on etsy.com trying to rip you off by simply using the word "vintage". Ok I'm done ranting now.

fact: mustache's lead to an all day progression of smiling

A few reasons I'm smiling

1. I can take most of my classes pass/ no pass next term
2. I was able to schedule all 20 credits so I can work 5 days a week
3. I was able to schedule all 20 credits so I can snowboard multiple times a week
4. Some of my favorite people are purchasing a spring pass to timby
5. Bucket list check mark of climbing outside will happen this spring
6. Another bucket list check mark will happen in a month when I snowboard at WHISTLER
7. I'm starting not to care what all of you people tell me to do with my life. Nursing school, travel, volunteer, work, play, all of the above?
8. I had one of the best Valentines day ever
9. I got my first 10/10 score on my lab quiz (believe me it almost virtually impossible when you have to memorize leukocyte histology AND know how to spell leukocyte-- monocyte-- netrophil neutrophil.

10. Studying in bed while it snows outside, with the lovely miss Bones and taking mustache photos  with her (posted above)
11. Proceeding to study by explaining to the cat what the process of phagocytosis entails out loud (it helps me to learn when I hear myself say it.
12. Showing Bones owner my photo and her response with this one. Hilter stache meets handle bar stache
13. Reading Bone's owner aka Kait McNally's blog
14. The most amazing living situation ever
15. My sociology professor pushing back the due date of my paper a whole week
16. Solid progression in rock climbing
17. My enlightening conversations with 9 year old Nicky
18. Blasting the heat and rolling down the windows while singing. It's like just summer, but not really.

Feb the 14th, a day of happiness, sadness or simply your choice.

It started when I was young.

My mom was good with making any holiday special. Whether it was putting green dye in my milk on St. Patty's day or waking up to a Halloween scavenger hunt, it was always something to smile about. I will forever see holidays as an occasion to smile thanks to her. Maybe this is why my best friend Nancy and I decided in 8th grade that Valentines day was more then a lovers day, but a love day all around. Even at a young age we recognized that this day should mean more then giving roses and expensive dinners. That's when we dubbed Valentines day-- Friendship Day. I will forever remember this day as a day of all around love and not a the day to spend time with someone you love romantically or even worse--> "single awareness day". Stop it you haters. Perception is key.

I had a boyfriend last year and although happy he was my "Valentine" I did not participate in a typical valentines day. Why can't we do something nice for our significant other any other day of the year? Know what I say.. take a stab at consumerism and celebrate a typical Valentines day on February 15th. Red and pink candy is on sale, no jam packed restaurants and you are loving each other because you actually love each other, not because the numbers 2/14 tell you to do so.
Tonight was wonderful, all my room mates and I (plus J. Fluffs) MADE sushi (because the restaurant we wanted to go to was out of the question). That's a real Valentines day if you ask me. Love.

Friends, making food together and laughing. Happy friendship day.

PS..Thank you Ms. Elyse Canfield for my only Valentine all the way from South Korea :D. Your note was even fridge worthy!

Missing youuuuu

Dear Travel,
Please stop flirting with me. I know it’s been almost a year since we broke up, but I need to move on. Move on to a love that’s more stable and consistent. You temp me to go back with your fancy lonely planet books and mutual friends that talk about you all the time, but a long-term relationship just isn’t realistic.
I am afraid I’ll never love something like I love you. Your adventure, sexy scenery and that feeling of carelessness, just isn’t comparable. Although we had some hard times- like getting really sick in Germany from jet lag and the baggage confusion in Australia, there were so many good memories that over ride the bad. We have had this off and on relationship for 5 years now and I don’t know how to truly end it with you.
I love my career path that I’m on and it’s the only thing that has brought me back home and away from you. But I’m young and maybe not ready to settle down yet? Then again I’m afraid I’ll lose the career path if I run away with you again, I mean there’s only so much waiting it can do right? I know you’ll always be there and I appreciate that.

But please, all I ask, is to just stop flirting with me..

            Or maybe find me a cheap way to be with you again.

Missing you terribly

-Claire

Us in Koln, Germeny seeing the sights

Us in Amesterdam, Netherlands taking advantage of the legality

Us in Edinburgh, Scotland giving good luck to the heart of the city

Us in Liverpool, England getting rowdy with some friends



Us in Chang Mai, Thailand getting to know the locals

Us on the Harbor bridge in Sydney, Australia

Us in Mana, Fiji, being in love

subconscious

Snakes.
My biggest phobia. I think it's something to do with the fact that they don't have arms and legs, it bothers me, like a lot. I mean the bible portrays them as evil, along with Indian tales of creation, so I'm not the only one that is freaked out by them.
Overall, I'm pretty confident in saying that I don't get scared easily and when I say that, I don't just mean the dark, heights or meeting new people. I mean real life. A lot of people are unfortunately afraid of life. Moving to a new city, traveling, starting a new school, trying new food, learning a new skill and amplify this when doing it all alone. I am in no way one of these people, not that it's easy to do these things, but I'm not someone who is intimidated by these things. What's my point?
My point is that I can't stop dreaming about snakes- my fear. My fear representing something larger, which I am unsure of at the moment. I dream several times a week about snakes in my bed. At first I'd wake up with a flinch, realize it was a dream and turn over and go back to bed. They've gotten worse to where I wake up, throw my blankets off and turn into a ball in the corner of my bed until the dream has fully left me. Last night I actually found myself in the corner of my room standing up before reality set in, that there were in fact NO snakes in my bed.. I checked my bed anyway.

Why am I having these dreams? What exactly am I afraid of?

Where to go from here?

My first DIY

Soooo I started reading this girls blog that does a "do it yourself" segment. There's a ton of them out there, but she is a talented creative girl that keeps it to the level of beginner crafters and sewers like myself. Her blog shows easy steps for super cute stuff, not your typical super artsy girl in NYC, that owns a radical sewing machine that you can't afford- type of hipster. Finally someone who doesn't make me feel like poop on my level of talent with the left side of my brain! SOOO I'm an average sewer with out a super artsy radical sewing machine, but I can do your average straight stich with your average Pfaff Hobby sewing machine. Anyway.. wanna super cute well fitted flannel but you don't wanna spend $58 at urban outfitters? Well here you go.. inspired by Teresa

Step 1: Buy a mens flannel with a print you like at goodwill or value village, mine was $7.99. The smaller size the better, because it makes the work much less.



Step 2: Turn inside out try on and stand in cheer leader pose of arms straight out, and have someone pin fitted to desired fit.

Step 3: Use chalking pencil to mark important seams starting with cuff (where the cuff meets the arm sleeve) to armpit and down to bottom hem. Then take out pins and do a dot-to-dot with the chalk pencil using a yard stick.

Step 4: Straight stich following the chalk.

Step 5: Cut excess fabric after straight stitching to 1cm.

Step 6: Zig-Zag edge of seam for anti-fraying (assuming you don't have a over lock serger).

Step 7: Remove button on the cuff and move to spot of accurate fitting because I sure hope you don't have a massive man's size wrist! If you don't know how to sew on a button it's super easy, here's a youtube vid to show you how. Now your weird bulk from the previous seam will be hidden.

Yay! Cute self tailored flannel.

annoying university student #29

This annoys me beyond belief..

That person that goes out of their way to cover up their tests answers. I'm not annoyed because I want to copy you, I'm annoyed because it's an obvious sign of ego mania, stuck up and pretentious biology nerd (the uncool kind). If I were going to copy someone (which I would seriously never because academic dishonesty is NO joke), BUT if I would I wouldn't copy from you because you probably aren't that smart if you actually think people are trying THAT hard to copy your answers, you're kidding yourself.
......PS your three perfectly sharpened number 2 pencils, two erasers and brand new calculator occupying your entire desk space, is almost as annoying as you alone. Any person that actually feels like they actually might need three pencils and two erasers to take a 50 question test, should probably reevaluate how they actually go about taking this exam

Theres a few types..
- The type that JUST covers up their answers on the scantron with their calculator, test, arm etc. But it's not the whole scantron, its just the black bubbles, delicately covered up with a perfectly alined corner of an exam.
- The person that checks their answers by using their exam to cover up the bottom half of the scantron and using their hand to cover the top answers as they move in harmony down the 882-E green rectangle.
- When waiting in line to turn in their exam they wait in the corner, test held tight against their stomach, moving sideways against the wall until test-turn-in destination is met. Obviously this person thinks they have succeeded at a perfect score and not only does everyone know it in class, but if they give an opportunity, they will be tackled to the ground.
-By far the most obnoxious is Biology lab. When we rotate every 2 minutes and when finished you turn around facing the class room. Normal people hold their test sheet down by their side or look at their answers to check spelling, but the obnoxious biology nerd plasters the sheet of paper to their chest shoulders back, head high, eyes straight, with both hands covering every inch of the back side of the paper incase someone in the class can see through matter. This person usually answers their question with in 10 seconds and stands proud, hands on chest so tight that I assume they'll collapse if they move their firm grip.

Ps.. For kicks and giggles.. you definitely got #43 wrong. It's specialized transduction not generalized... idiot.

taking it in..

University of Maine nursing school called this morning (at 6am)..

I was accepted.

obsession above all others

Can't.
Stop.
Watching.
Grey's Anatomy.

My fellow pre-health professionals would be ashamed because its so medically incorrect sometimes. 

But its is everything I want in my life. That being...

constant chaos and friends who get it.

Some want family as their life. I want my job of saving those family members.. as my life.

I should probably ban hulu from my computer, along with blogger and study for the classes that will actually get me there. 

today

Saturday Morning:

It started with a non-resident that slept over trying to leave and the house disagreeing. The door knob fell off. Our landlord doesn't allow us to call her on the weekend.. cool.

Door knobs falling off were

followed by artsy experiments..

Jillian had seen this online and wanted to do it. I've seen it on elyse canfield's blog. It was fun to do it for real. Next time we won't use our organic, environment friendly dish soap. Next time we'll use the soap with the gnarly chemicals which make it way cooler. 

PS note me taking advantage of a new mac user and editing my video. I'm sooo artsy.

Jillian and I spent this rest of our morning interviewing potential room mates. First one, SUPER awkward girl that is appropriately is a librarian (although I'd love that job), the door knob fell off again when she tried to leave. 

Saturday Afternoon:

After the next potential roomie/ tattoo artist left, Jillian and I spent the afternoon watching "The Five People You Meet In Heaven"

..followed by people watching from our window but the birds were most interesting.

*I didn't mean too but I document today, 

this lovely Saturday my room mate Jillian

and I had. But.. I did. So I thought I'd 

share a pleasant rainy Saturday.

My city is so cool

Portlandia

New TV series focused around the truths about my city, Portland, Oregon.
Check it..
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V

Where young people go to retire

oh hey regret, I knew you'd come around

This was suppose to be just a redo of a single class. A simple easier round two. But instead it has been a material reminder of failure, regret and static behavior. In turn amplifying other confusions unrelated to biology and to sum it it up, a big UGH.
January 5th I went diving under my bed to pull out my enmorous box of the dreadful left overs. All the remains of every science class that decides my future of being a nurse, or not. Saved exams, quizzes, flash cards, midterm reviews, diagrams, notes and notes upon notes waited for me. I sorted out all the winter term anatomy and physiology documentation into piles of old exams, notes, lab stuff and personal notes. I took notice of the amount of paper and taking advantage of no one being home, I bawled. I cried like a fucking baby. To put so much work into something only for it to mean nothing, to do it all over again.
Ok so I'm retaking this one class because I got a C in it, why? Break-ups aren't exactly a piece of cake and happen to effect my grades. How could I let something effect me like that? It was two years ago when that relationship ended- its now two years later I'm retaking A&P 302 which I was taking during that time hardship and its two years later, I feel similar emotions. Two years later, I moved on from that relationship, I dated someone else, traveled and lived in a different country for 6 months, made new friends, kept old ones, lived with my best friends on a dime, continued to do what I loved and discovered new ones. Yet I find myself feeling like I took 7 steps backwards. I feel like I didn't learn a damn thing.

Symbolism is a silly thing

If my metaphors haven't sunk in by now this isn't necessarily about the actual retaking of this one class, it just happens to be a physically existing piece of my life that happen to be a monumental one. This is me doing what I do, comparing and contrasting the past and present. The result? Not impressed two years later, I made some stupid decisions. I sit here two years later feeling like I didn't learn a single thing when it comes to relationships. Humans, what poorly made creatures when it comes to emotions. I think I do an ok job with the "would of, should of, could of's" and not to dwell on them, because I do believe life happens how its suppose to whether it plays out one way or another. Going about the approach to life is the challenge..

January 10th the regret got the better of me. Regret beyond the most detrimental emotion to exist and brought me to throw the towel in, give up, game over, no more, I'm done. I had a few that decided to pick up that towel and hand it back to me..

David
Carly
Allison
Rena
Misty
Lyndsey

Thank you for recently saving my sanity.

January 12th
One success, phenomenal friends they never fail me.
Now how to face.. regret.

a rock and a hard pace

I should be studying
I should eat breakfast
I should put my clothes away
I should do laundry

I should find a full time job in June
I should find a place with a good land lord
I should apply to another nursing school
I should start planning to pay off student loans

I should eat organic
I should volunteer more
I should write more letters
I should lower my carbon footprint

I should not care about him
I should not care about the non-invite
I should not buy a ticket to Sasquatch
I should not buy spring pass to timberline

I'm tired of the should's and shouldn't. I'm taking a personal morning. Like I said I should be studying.. which I'll do.. eventually. But right now, it's 10:52am on a Sunday and I'm going to blog instead.

You know those dreams where you're trying to touch someone but no matter what you do you can't, sometimes you get within inches of them and still can't feel their skin on yours. Or you're trying to run away, no matter what you do your legs won't move. It's like you suddenly find yourself in tar, straining to move at all. Lastly, when you try to talk and eventually your'e screaming to be heard, but nothing comes out.. silence. You strain your vocal cords and so badly want to communicate but no words are formed.
I hate these. I've had them before. It's always when I'm in a place where I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix what the problem is. I can't talk it out. I can't run away from it. I can't even touch it to fully understand it. I'm not a patient person, but of course, life tends to test our weaknesses. Time is the only answer thus far, wait it out. My relationship with time is strange. I take note of dates, how I felt and where I was at that point in time. I always think, a year ago today I was... and think what I loved about it and what I would do differently. I compare and contrast the past me and the now me. You could say I ponder time often and therefore time makes itself known. Apparently this tends to leave me complaining on a Sunday morning for approximately 26 minutes.

It's now 11:18am and I think I'm ready to conquer some of the should's.

freebird

2010
What a year. It's been one of major growth for me and self responsibility has been the biggest one of all. I have made it a priority to truly understand who I am, and with that content with discontent. The URL for my blog is freebirdclaire.blogspot.com. Freebird, something that describes me well and the reasoning for my recent tattoo! It's a bit ironic I got it done today- 12/31/2010 new years eve. A permanent piece to represent the beautiful life I live. This year has been beyond words and brought so much peace to my heart. So here's what my tattoo means..

constantly moving, always looking for more, searching.
inability to stay grounded, obsession with change, happiest when in flight.
passionate about travel, changing lives and changing myself.
im a runner. im a gemini. im a freebird
perception is key.
we all have a path.
that path is up to you, be fearless, be loving, be free.
we love. we learn. we live

stoked for 2011. bringgg itttt.

my best friend is engaged!

Talbert Middle School was the third middle school I found myself calling "my school". With my parents divorce I found myself changing schools 4 times in 3 years. Putting a kid through the horrors of changing schools was bad enough, changing middle schools multiple times, is basically child abuse. My first day at Talbert was like the rest. I was so anxious that I stayed near a bathroom incase vomiting was necessary and I didn't dare say a word to anyone increase I'd say something dumb. The second day of school Nancy and I met, and the rest is history. We were instantly friends, best friends. So much so that people thought we move to Huntington Beach together.  We were inseparable for the next two years, it was unusual if we weren't sleeping at one another house at least 3 nights a week. The nights we didn't wake up in the same house, we would talk on the phone in the morning before school and watch "Three's Company" together. Through the typical difficulties of our teen years, she made it doable, in fact amazing. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without her and I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today with out her, but it wasn't a cake walk to get here.

I moved to Oregon before my sophomore year of high school but nothing changed. I visited Orange County several times a year and cell phones allowed us to continue to know each others personal lives better then any one else. High school brought a whole knew level of insecurity and life lessons to be learned. Being 1,000 miles apart we managed to never lose the support and the love, through our first romantic relationships, the the introduction to drugs and alcohol, hating our parents and discovering our passions. I graduated and moved back to Huntington Beach and Nancy moved in with me. The awkward time of figuring out where to go next in life after high school. I decided on college, volunteering and travel, Nancy choose the path of family, church and a job. To say the least, this is when we started to conflict, our life paths didn't line up. Sadly enough, we struggled to stay as close as we were before. I judged her and she judged me. We both were on the paths that were meant for us, but both failed to understand that at our immature age.

Luckily we found our way back. 

I believe that this girl is so intertwined with who I am, that by denying her, is denying myself. Nancy and I are two very different people in our life's path, but not at all in what we value in ourselves and the people in our life. Over the past two years we have been able to mend our friendship. With communication, honesty, understanding and simply love, it's as though we didn't skip a beat. The fact of that we were able to see past our differences and continue to love each other through our pride, is something rare. Our friendships is something rare. She's my sister, she knows me better then anyone in the whole world. She's my rock, my strength and my best friend.

On the note, I am so proud, ecstatic and overjoyed to say..

MY BEST FRIEND IS ENGAGED!!!!! Ms. Nancy Tolman will now be Ms. Nancy Waldron. Mannnn we grew up! I love you Nancy Corraine.

Christannukahkanza

I love SCRAP.

$5 for a stupid amount of paper, foil, postcards, twine, poems, national geographic's, cloth and my beloved calligraphy pen. So I made a holiday card for the Mayinger's           ------> 

This Christmas will be just like the other's, non-traditional and just my style. Christmas eve will be spent climbing with a jew followed by making gluten free baked goods. I'm crossing my fingers mom will commit to our plan of going to the mountain on Christmas day. In reality that what I think Jesus would want me to do on his birthday, enjoy nature. Last Christmas I was wearing shorts on the beach with an Australian family, the year before that I was at a Blazer game and the year before that I was on a plane to Germany. So I'd like to continue the random cycle as a result of the modern world of divorced parents. 

I hope everyone had/ has a good Christannukahkanza!!

click

We all have those things that were made for us, a book, poem, painting, movie. Every time I watch Elizabethtown I smile, this is my movie, a story that speaks to me. A reflection of who I am, what I hope to be and simply a damn good story (emphasis on the simply). Not ironic that one of the main character's name is actually Claire, well her real name is Kristen Dunst, but its a movie comeeee onnn. We both enjoy..
making scrap books with a twist. cheese. letting people surprise us. airplanes. spontaneity. champagne. finding reason. talking too much. dancing. people. living in the moment. taking chances. music that sets the tone. quirks. andd taking mental photographs..

Now you now my secret, I actually do this. I take mental photographs of moments I never want to forget and as far as I know, no one has caught me. 

that piece fits... and I didn't force it

I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. Exactly.
Coming to this realization has put so much beauty back into my life.
Story of typical me, never being content. But right now..

I am.. content.

A sort of content where lessons are being learned,

 hurdles are being crossed and the acquirement 

of the abilities to keep up with this chaotic world. 

A sort of content where I'm allowing things 

to happen and letting go of the force fit.

A sort of content where the pressures are put on hold.

A sort of content where I'm crying one day 

and on cloud 9 the next.

I suppose you could say

I'm finally becoming content 

with myself and not searching

for the environment that 

I feel content.

my friends are hilarious

retiring "easy"

She even knows I run.

I had a drink with a friend last night, well about 10 hours ago because sleeping seems to be a past time lately. I've known him for all my years in Portland and knows me well, knows my habits, past. The chill of 20 degree dark night creeps through the door sets the tone to our conversation. Discussing our future is less exciting from when we were 20, the job market is depressing and having a bachelors degree means close to nothing. The natural pessimist he is we end with the usual conclusion, take out as many credit cards as possible and travel the world then out with style, taking the debt with death. I smile in regard to the familiarity that this conversation brings. Although the pessimist has simple answers for himself, somehow he has not so simple answers for me and I remember, I remember the love I have in my life. I'm always apprehensive to give the spiel on my constant battles that he is ever so use to. Instead I try to enjoy his wit and company which seems to be less and less as jobs begin to conflict. He sees through me, as he always does and I try to make the situation causal, as I always do. My tactic failed and his words absolutely did not. I gave him the details and his response was beyond moving. 

"If it takes months to years, in the end you'll be much farther then most people, 

easy is easy for a reason, anything that is worth it is hard, you're worth it". 

I'm not 18 anymore. I'm not 19, 20, 21, 22, I'm the awkward age of 23, a conflicting age of what's easy and whats progressive. I know I have reflected a lot on my age in this blog, because my age is a huge reason I am experiencing and not experiencing what I am. I believe this time is going to be the hardest, not necessarily because the situation is the hardest I will endure, but because I'm truly allowing myself to heal this time. Without distraction, without running, without replacement. It's easy to resort back to old ways, especially when the opposite party finds strength in the same securities. It's easy to throw the towel in and give up and I was, I was on my way to an identical path that lead me here in the end. My friends have a way of saying the right things and not even be aware of it. I will not accept easy. I'm facing it head on, like Henry Ford said. This time the airplane will take off against the wind with force, but what is different this time will be the absence of a crash landing.

runners cramp

I'm a runner, I run and run and run after what I want. 

I'm always running and then.. I make stop. 

Good or bad places I find myself in, I constantly find yet another reason to run. 

But the running catches up to me, as it has now and always does. 

There are few moments in my life where I can say I've been truly content. I definitely have those moments that I am fully content, but they are less rather then more. It's not to say I'm not happy, just never full, always thinking "if only". While traveling I missed Portland, then I'm in Portland and I want to travel. I love him, I don't, I love him, I don't and relationships fail me. I hate school I can't wait to be done, I love school I can't wait to go back. As I've said in many blogs before change is of the most important values, for this exact reason. I run and I run and as long as I'm running I'm happy. This has happened before where I find myself in a place thats more calm and the other half that got left behind in the marathon, finally has time to catch up.. then it hits me. My two sides meet and become one.. Reflection leading to tears of happiness, regret, anger, gratefulness and sadness all at once. It's quite overpowering, and honestly can be unhealthy. Especially this time.
I'm hoping at this pit stop, I can negotiate with the runner and the one that gets left behind. Maybe a hand in hand jog, not a marathon runner and a mild stroll. That the runner and walker can live harmonious with a touch of understanding. That I can learn to truly conceptualize why I do what I do, to dissect emotions and learn to deal with it in a way thats healthy and less drastic. Today was a start. I was honest. The honest truth about something I regret and have been to embarrassed to admit. Luckily I have friends that do not judge, but commend me on my bravery to express such mistakes. Back to square one.. back to "picking up the pieces". Wish me luck.

eff it

"Darcy, I just want to blow things up!!"

Darcy two hours later..

"Explosives will be here in 2-3 business days"

complete with an instruction dvd.

I never thought anger was a morning kinda thing, always thought anger was a kinda night thing. In situations where theres nothing I can do.. just blow stuff up at 8am, drink beer and snowboard. Opening day at the mountain.. it's a shit show up here and back to the groove of my mind clearing, soul cleansing sport. Just in time Mt.Hood, youre always good to me.

How to feel really bad about yourself

Apply to: Law school, Med school or Nursing school

Alright, big shocker here..
not everyone loves me, in fact plenty of people think I'm less then ok. I have a bold personality, I call people out when they suck and I have a confidence that comes off as stuck up or as the English have said "Posh". My natural face and body language is a "bitch face" and "I don't give a fuck". I don't handle injustice well, I'm opinionated, outspoken and I think I know more then I do. I'm honest with people, I have a tendency to give advice when un-necessary and my sense of humor can be harsh. I'm competitive and loud. It's hard for me to work hard at things that I don't care about and if I don't find purpose in it I put it to the side. I'm not the best at staying in touch and I'm ok with letting friends go that don't relate anymore. When you hurt me, I act unbreakable, when you love me, I act unbreakable. I don't test well and I yell at people that tell me to try harder because of it. I get defensive on things I feel strongly about and I'm always willing to debate with you. It's safe to say I don't get along with everyone. Applying to nursing school is the hardest thing I have ever done. Not because it's hard to type in my name and social security number, but because the applications are meant to weed people out by means of personal stabs, deep serrated knife stabs. It's hard to fake it on these applications, so every applicable positive and negative trait becomes a powerpoint of every detail, aspect and person that supports or doesn't support you. It's hard.
My negative are plastered everywhere.  I'm not cut out to do this. WTF am I thinking. I just paid a $95 application fee for a letter to come in the mail that says "Really Claire Tripeny? You are SOOO not accepted, you're kidding yourself".

After this conversation I'm feeling better. She's right, because of this "bitch personality" that I have, I'll get there, maybe not this year, but eventually. I may be all those things said above, but for the same reason I have solid people in my life. I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this..

Sewing project finished!

I did it. I sewed something and it didn't turn out horrible. Next endeavor- ball gown. HAH just kidding.
A few mishaps along the way..

-The collar was put in backwards so that left me seam ripping for days.
-I have now learned that patterns are made for making people feel bad about themselves. I am a size two from the waist up, a size TEN from the waist down. I think it's worse the I'm not an even size then a small size and a big size, like "Hey Claire just a reminder, you have no boobs, a tiny upper body and a huge ass making you look incredibly un-proportionate". The patterns have made me to believe I have an ass big enough to be labeled as double digits- not saying it's bad if you are, just a shock for me. I am not ghetto nor wanna be ghetto therefore I do not enjoy having a large rear end. Sighh.
-I'm not good at telling the difference between green and turquoise thread. Slight color blindness woo!
-I prefer a normal kids school ruler over a sewers ruler. I have problems with drawing a straight line apparently, so I need the big one.
-I learned fun words and what they are such as salvage, eyelet and RicRac

Working toward another check off the bucket list and learning something fun and useful. Overall I'm pretty proud of myself and here it is...