freebird

2010
What a year. It's been one of major growth for me and self responsibility has been the biggest one of all. I have made it a priority to truly understand who I am, and with that content with discontent. The URL for my blog is freebirdclaire.blogspot.com. Freebird, something that describes me well and the reasoning for my recent tattoo! It's a bit ironic I got it done today- 12/31/2010 new years eve. A permanent piece to represent the beautiful life I live. This year has been beyond words and brought so much peace to my heart. So here's what my tattoo means..

constantly moving, always looking for more, searching.
inability to stay grounded, obsession with change, happiest when in flight.
passionate about travel, changing lives and changing myself.
im a runner. im a gemini. im a freebird
perception is key.
we all have a path.
that path is up to you, be fearless, be loving, be free.
we love. we learn. we live

stoked for 2011. bringgg itttt.

my best friend is engaged!

Talbert Middle School was the third middle school I found myself calling "my school". With my parents divorce I found myself changing schools 4 times in 3 years. Putting a kid through the horrors of changing schools was bad enough, changing middle schools multiple times, is basically child abuse. My first day at Talbert was like the rest. I was so anxious that I stayed near a bathroom incase vomiting was necessary and I didn't dare say a word to anyone increase I'd say something dumb. The second day of school Nancy and I met, and the rest is history. We were instantly friends, best friends. So much so that people thought we move to Huntington Beach together.  We were inseparable for the next two years, it was unusual if we weren't sleeping at one another house at least 3 nights a week. The nights we didn't wake up in the same house, we would talk on the phone in the morning before school and watch "Three's Company" together. Through the typical difficulties of our teen years, she made it doable, in fact amazing. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without her and I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today with out her, but it wasn't a cake walk to get here.

I moved to Oregon before my sophomore year of high school but nothing changed. I visited Orange County several times a year and cell phones allowed us to continue to know each others personal lives better then any one else. High school brought a whole knew level of insecurity and life lessons to be learned. Being 1,000 miles apart we managed to never lose the support and the love, through our first romantic relationships, the the introduction to drugs and alcohol, hating our parents and discovering our passions. I graduated and moved back to Huntington Beach and Nancy moved in with me. The awkward time of figuring out where to go next in life after high school. I decided on college, volunteering and travel, Nancy choose the path of family, church and a job. To say the least, this is when we started to conflict, our life paths didn't line up. Sadly enough, we struggled to stay as close as we were before. I judged her and she judged me. We both were on the paths that were meant for us, but both failed to understand that at our immature age.

Luckily we found our way back. 

I believe that this girl is so intertwined with who I am, that by denying her, is denying myself. Nancy and I are two very different people in our life's path, but not at all in what we value in ourselves and the people in our life. Over the past two years we have been able to mend our friendship. With communication, honesty, understanding and simply love, it's as though we didn't skip a beat. The fact of that we were able to see past our differences and continue to love each other through our pride, is something rare. Our friendships is something rare. She's my sister, she knows me better then anyone in the whole world. She's my rock, my strength and my best friend.

On the note, I am so proud, ecstatic and overjoyed to say..

MY BEST FRIEND IS ENGAGED!!!!! Ms. Nancy Tolman will now be Ms. Nancy Waldron. Mannnn we grew up! I love you Nancy Corraine.

Christannukahkanza

I love SCRAP.

$5 for a stupid amount of paper, foil, postcards, twine, poems, national geographic's, cloth and my beloved calligraphy pen. So I made a holiday card for the Mayinger's           ------> 

This Christmas will be just like the other's, non-traditional and just my style. Christmas eve will be spent climbing with a jew followed by making gluten free baked goods. I'm crossing my fingers mom will commit to our plan of going to the mountain on Christmas day. In reality that what I think Jesus would want me to do on his birthday, enjoy nature. Last Christmas I was wearing shorts on the beach with an Australian family, the year before that I was at a Blazer game and the year before that I was on a plane to Germany. So I'd like to continue the random cycle as a result of the modern world of divorced parents. 

I hope everyone had/ has a good Christannukahkanza!!

click

We all have those things that were made for us, a book, poem, painting, movie. Every time I watch Elizabethtown I smile, this is my movie, a story that speaks to me. A reflection of who I am, what I hope to be and simply a damn good story (emphasis on the simply). Not ironic that one of the main character's name is actually Claire, well her real name is Kristen Dunst, but its a movie comeeee onnn. We both enjoy..
making scrap books with a twist. cheese. letting people surprise us. airplanes. spontaneity. champagne. finding reason. talking too much. dancing. people. living in the moment. taking chances. music that sets the tone. quirks. andd taking mental photographs..

Now you now my secret, I actually do this. I take mental photographs of moments I never want to forget and as far as I know, no one has caught me. 

that piece fits... and I didn't force it

I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. Exactly.
Coming to this realization has put so much beauty back into my life.
Story of typical me, never being content. But right now..

I am.. content.

A sort of content where lessons are being learned,

 hurdles are being crossed and the acquirement 

of the abilities to keep up with this chaotic world. 

A sort of content where I'm allowing things 

to happen and letting go of the force fit.

A sort of content where the pressures are put on hold.

A sort of content where I'm crying one day 

and on cloud 9 the next.

I suppose you could say

I'm finally becoming content 

with myself and not searching

for the environment that 

I feel content.

my friends are hilarious

retiring "easy"

She even knows I run.

I had a drink with a friend last night, well about 10 hours ago because sleeping seems to be a past time lately. I've known him for all my years in Portland and knows me well, knows my habits, past. The chill of 20 degree dark night creeps through the door sets the tone to our conversation. Discussing our future is less exciting from when we were 20, the job market is depressing and having a bachelors degree means close to nothing. The natural pessimist he is we end with the usual conclusion, take out as many credit cards as possible and travel the world then out with style, taking the debt with death. I smile in regard to the familiarity that this conversation brings. Although the pessimist has simple answers for himself, somehow he has not so simple answers for me and I remember, I remember the love I have in my life. I'm always apprehensive to give the spiel on my constant battles that he is ever so use to. Instead I try to enjoy his wit and company which seems to be less and less as jobs begin to conflict. He sees through me, as he always does and I try to make the situation causal, as I always do. My tactic failed and his words absolutely did not. I gave him the details and his response was beyond moving. 

"If it takes months to years, in the end you'll be much farther then most people, 

easy is easy for a reason, anything that is worth it is hard, you're worth it". 

I'm not 18 anymore. I'm not 19, 20, 21, 22, I'm the awkward age of 23, a conflicting age of what's easy and whats progressive. I know I have reflected a lot on my age in this blog, because my age is a huge reason I am experiencing and not experiencing what I am. I believe this time is going to be the hardest, not necessarily because the situation is the hardest I will endure, but because I'm truly allowing myself to heal this time. Without distraction, without running, without replacement. It's easy to resort back to old ways, especially when the opposite party finds strength in the same securities. It's easy to throw the towel in and give up and I was, I was on my way to an identical path that lead me here in the end. My friends have a way of saying the right things and not even be aware of it. I will not accept easy. I'm facing it head on, like Henry Ford said. This time the airplane will take off against the wind with force, but what is different this time will be the absence of a crash landing.

runners cramp

I'm a runner, I run and run and run after what I want. 

I'm always running and then.. I make stop. 

Good or bad places I find myself in, I constantly find yet another reason to run. 

But the running catches up to me, as it has now and always does. 

There are few moments in my life where I can say I've been truly content. I definitely have those moments that I am fully content, but they are less rather then more. It's not to say I'm not happy, just never full, always thinking "if only". While traveling I missed Portland, then I'm in Portland and I want to travel. I love him, I don't, I love him, I don't and relationships fail me. I hate school I can't wait to be done, I love school I can't wait to go back. As I've said in many blogs before change is of the most important values, for this exact reason. I run and I run and as long as I'm running I'm happy. This has happened before where I find myself in a place thats more calm and the other half that got left behind in the marathon, finally has time to catch up.. then it hits me. My two sides meet and become one.. Reflection leading to tears of happiness, regret, anger, gratefulness and sadness all at once. It's quite overpowering, and honestly can be unhealthy. Especially this time.
I'm hoping at this pit stop, I can negotiate with the runner and the one that gets left behind. Maybe a hand in hand jog, not a marathon runner and a mild stroll. That the runner and walker can live harmonious with a touch of understanding. That I can learn to truly conceptualize why I do what I do, to dissect emotions and learn to deal with it in a way thats healthy and less drastic. Today was a start. I was honest. The honest truth about something I regret and have been to embarrassed to admit. Luckily I have friends that do not judge, but commend me on my bravery to express such mistakes. Back to square one.. back to "picking up the pieces". Wish me luck.

eff it

"Darcy, I just want to blow things up!!"

Darcy two hours later..

"Explosives will be here in 2-3 business days"

complete with an instruction dvd.

I never thought anger was a morning kinda thing, always thought anger was a kinda night thing. In situations where theres nothing I can do.. just blow stuff up at 8am, drink beer and snowboard. Opening day at the mountain.. it's a shit show up here and back to the groove of my mind clearing, soul cleansing sport. Just in time Mt.Hood, youre always good to me.

How to feel really bad about yourself

Apply to: Law school, Med school or Nursing school

Alright, big shocker here..
not everyone loves me, in fact plenty of people think I'm less then ok. I have a bold personality, I call people out when they suck and I have a confidence that comes off as stuck up or as the English have said "Posh". My natural face and body language is a "bitch face" and "I don't give a fuck". I don't handle injustice well, I'm opinionated, outspoken and I think I know more then I do. I'm honest with people, I have a tendency to give advice when un-necessary and my sense of humor can be harsh. I'm competitive and loud. It's hard for me to work hard at things that I don't care about and if I don't find purpose in it I put it to the side. I'm not the best at staying in touch and I'm ok with letting friends go that don't relate anymore. When you hurt me, I act unbreakable, when you love me, I act unbreakable. I don't test well and I yell at people that tell me to try harder because of it. I get defensive on things I feel strongly about and I'm always willing to debate with you. It's safe to say I don't get along with everyone. Applying to nursing school is the hardest thing I have ever done. Not because it's hard to type in my name and social security number, but because the applications are meant to weed people out by means of personal stabs, deep serrated knife stabs. It's hard to fake it on these applications, so every applicable positive and negative trait becomes a powerpoint of every detail, aspect and person that supports or doesn't support you. It's hard.
My negative are plastered everywhere.  I'm not cut out to do this. WTF am I thinking. I just paid a $95 application fee for a letter to come in the mail that says "Really Claire Tripeny? You are SOOO not accepted, you're kidding yourself".

After this conversation I'm feeling better. She's right, because of this "bitch personality" that I have, I'll get there, maybe not this year, but eventually. I may be all those things said above, but for the same reason I have solid people in my life. I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this..

Sewing project finished!

I did it. I sewed something and it didn't turn out horrible. Next endeavor- ball gown. HAH just kidding.
A few mishaps along the way..

-The collar was put in backwards so that left me seam ripping for days.
-I have now learned that patterns are made for making people feel bad about themselves. I am a size two from the waist up, a size TEN from the waist down. I think it's worse the I'm not an even size then a small size and a big size, like "Hey Claire just a reminder, you have no boobs, a tiny upper body and a huge ass making you look incredibly un-proportionate". The patterns have made me to believe I have an ass big enough to be labeled as double digits- not saying it's bad if you are, just a shock for me. I am not ghetto nor wanna be ghetto therefore I do not enjoy having a large rear end. Sighh.
-I'm not good at telling the difference between green and turquoise thread. Slight color blindness woo!
-I prefer a normal kids school ruler over a sewers ruler. I have problems with drawing a straight line apparently, so I need the big one.
-I learned fun words and what they are such as salvage, eyelet and RicRac

Working toward another check off the bucket list and learning something fun and useful. Overall I'm pretty proud of myself and here it is...

Today I had an encounter with my 8 year old self

Ahhhh Halloween.. I mean, the holidays are really for the kids.
For me, Halloween was a week long event at school, we even did our math with in a shape of a pumpkin. It's as though the teachers were getting back at our parents with the amount of sugar that was fed to us, cupcake after cup of juice, then to top it off with a night dedicated to knocking down doors for 3 hours for a lifetime supply of candy seemed counterproductive. As for costumes, mine was home made while the rich kids got the cool store bought Snow White princess dress. I learned to love my backwards tiger, no seriously. Mom bought black leggings and a long sleeve shirt and put orange tape on it for the stripes, fail. She and dad made up for it with her pumpkin carving skills and creative ideas. Winner of Siletz Elementary pumpkin contest three years in a row, boooyahh. Backwards tiger proudly carried home the prized winning pumpkin of Cinderella's pumpkin carriage complete with Breyer horses and glitter glue giving it the full effect of awesome. High on a weeks worth of witch shaped cookies and apple cider, I could barely sit still as mom touched up my whiskers. The elected mom would then pack me and 4 of my other friends into the minivan or suv and drive us around the good neighborhoods until our pillow cases were overflowing with every name brand treat to exist. The cool mom's would take us to the haunted houses, one of us would get scared and hit a "monster" with our skeleton flash light and that would cue us home.
As soon as the mom mobile was in park, backwards tiger, witch, genie, doctor and cheer leader came flying thru the house leaving traces of pom pom, glitter and broom behind. All at once we dumped our candy out and the trading began, my goal: butterfingers and pixie sticks and to get rid of anything peppermint and of the taffy family, gross. After trading was completed and the hosting mom yelled at us at least 4 times to go to sleep we finally retire.

For at least a month the fourth grade class talks about the house of the year. 

"What you got a CAN of soda?"

"yup, mountain dew!"

"No way, where??"

"I'm not telling, it's a secret house"

Little did I know this secret house was the kids uncle's house and for years I tried to find the house that gave out- a. whole. can. of. soda. The next competition was the scariest haunted house and who made it thru without hitting a "monster" with the skeleton flashlight. Lastly, the candy trade would continue to December when finally snickers were phased out and candy canes were the here and now.

After a few more birthdays passed the Halloween dance was a bit more excited then trick-or-treating, my taste buds for candy was not as extreme as my new interest in boys. Then of course trick-or-treating became uncool all together and the exciting butterfinger was replaced with a beer. The costumes became slutty and expensive and the goal of the night became slutty and usually ended up being expensive. I've enjoyed my cliche early 20's Halloween experience, bumble bee, super hero and then the matchy matchy boyfriend/ girlfriend costume- mafia. I got way to drunk off red riding hood's tequila, the result orange vomit on cowboy, to wake up in butterfly's bed using my cape as a blanket, not such a super hero now eh?
I have never passed out candy to trick-or-treaters, I have always been the trick-or-treater, too cool for anything involving trick-or-treating or drunk enjoying a flirty conservation with a zombie or dancing with Jesus. I was really sick this weekend and didn't get to utilize my cost free costume of Mickey Mouse. I was proud that I was creative and didn't spend $50 on a costume that I had to modify to Claire non-slut bumblebee. So Sickey Mickey and Montana logger dressed up for the kids..

[x] nerds, sweet tarts, laffy taffy (sour/fruity loving kids covered)

[x] butterfinger, snickers, milky way (chocolate loving kids covered)

[x] home made costumes

[x] scary movie on DVR

[x] apple cider

[x] amazing friends

My first trick-or-treaters was a heard of 15 that came spilling in the door screaming "Candy!" It was quite overwhelming, but overall a moment of "wow, I'm growing up". It didn't seem that long ago that I was putting my sticky fingers in a giant festive bowl of goodies and off to the next house. I'm glad I didn't try to grow up to fast, I believe I savored my childhood, I mean I had a reason too. My parents were rad, therefore I had a rad childhood. I get it now, why they say "You'll appreciate me when you get older", because I do. My parents, like everyones, weren't perfect, but they did a good job. I just called my mom and thanked her for the pumpkin carving, year of being the elected mom for Halloween and even the backwards tiger. It's odd when you say "what up" to your childhood self, it makes me want to put the beer back in the fridge and throw on some rainbow tights and red cowboy boots (outfit of choice at age 8) and grab some chalk, be content with simple. Live simply, yes, live a bit more simply.

the L word

"I can't live without you"
"you're my better half"
"I'm lost with out you"
"you complete me"
"you're my everything"
"I love you more then more then life"

NOOOO. Stop it. Stop it right now. This is not genuine love.
Of course all people have different types of relationships with their boyfriend, husband or partner, but when this feelings of absolute devastation without this person, this is not genuine my friends. Its young, immature, inexperienced Hollywood style love. I've recently solidified this annoyance because of someone from my past and someone of my present, combined. These feelings can be a result of many things, but mainly insecurities, manipulation or false idols.

"you're my better half" / "you complete me"

Personally I have never been a half, and for the most part I love who I am. I have met people who satisfy a part of me, where with them in my life, I make more sense. But firstly, they are not the "better" part of it all, just a piece of many people in my life who together have help molded me into the person I am. Secondly, if you feel like youre only a half, then you should look inside to help that, not to someone else.

"You're my everything"

So many girls (and guys) do this. We should never look at anything as our "everything", not school, work, family, friends, clothes, alcohol, food etc. If our everything goes into one thing, we're lost. We lose identity, along with other important aspects of life.

"I'm lost with out you"

Well, you should probably find yourself, because I sure as hell don't want to get lost finding you either.

I am also a victim, I have never said anything above, but I have felt it. Most of us have gone through these early, young relationships and luckily, NO hopefully, we learn and we grow. I'm so grateful for someone who has shown me a genuine love and someone from my past to remind me, that I have grown and retired from an immature love. I use to think love had a sort of a blueprint. That you were suppose to feel a certain way, act a certain way and after the relationship is over, you're suppose to hurt a certain way. I'm usually not open about talking about love, at all, and hesitant to write about this. I'm a girl that doesn't like to feel vulnerable and even when I'm not at my strong point, I act like I'm not affected. I just felt a need to publicize this frustration.

At 23 years old you could say I'm young in the dating seen, but I feel ancient. It's ok not to be ready, but it feels damn good to know that I've retired from these outrageous way's living life. Thank you to those who have I learned from and I hope you thank yours as well, good or bad. We live, we learn and then we continue to love, with out a blue print.

Daily chats with Nicky

B-

I WANT TO..
-yell
-run for 3 hours straight
-throw rocks at windows
-take a baseball bat to a car
-drink a bottle of wine
-drive a race car
-jump off a cliff.. into water
-break something expensive
-scream at every single nursing school Dean in America

-cry.. hysterically

-rip clothing

This is what applying to nursing school is doing to me.  How do I handle this? The past five years of my life has been poured into my ultimate goal in life. That being to have a career that is focused around helping people, challenging, always changing and always opportunities to continue to learn, grow and travel, for the rest of my life.  I have unfortunately focused so much on this career path, that if it doesn't become a reality, I feel as though I might lose myself. If I do not accepted to a single school, I'm afraid of..myself.. how I'll respond. I have put every ounce of worth into what 5 people on a committee think of me on paper. They'll see that on average I'm a B- student, which is a huge difference between B, B+ and obvious A's. Although any B is above average, just above isn't good enough. I'm not good enough.

I love people and have the experiences and skills to work in a field that is essential to have ultimate people skills. I've traveled and I don't judge you if you haven't, but going into this field, I KNOW I have experiences with people and culture that others will not. I've volunteered in Thailand, I've been in student government at my university, I've been a camp counselor, I've been a nanny, I'm a certified behavioral therapist for autistic children, doctors and professors eagerly willing to vouch I'm qualified. But thats only 25% of what they will consider, in an occupation that its soul purpose is knowledge and skills of medicine AND PEOPLE SKILLS. Ughhhhh. At least this is a tad inspiring:

I laugh at myself. Every time I get super stressed I become this out of no where marathon runner. Well not technically but a week solid of 4milers. It keeps me from not throwing rocks at windows or screaming at people.. sane.

Cherish the unexpected

You know those moments.. that makes you feel.. real. Alive. Breathing. Feel.. human?

Different for everyone. Mine. Well I cherish them. You know what I mean. A break up that hurts sooo deep that you cry for days, or even months. You wake up in the morning and realize that person you loved is really gone. It hurts, it hurts in ways you didn't know it could. Nothing will ever be the same. Bed is my only refuge, you don't want to feel this, but really.. you actually do. You get drunk or call your best friend and she tells you you'll be ok and you don't believe her. You call him in you weakest moments, you hate yourself. Insecurity makes you do things out of character, you think "I'm not this person". You convince yourself that you can be friends, he needs you, you need him. But really this isn't going anywhere so you do something to distract yourself, next thing you know you're running half marathons or almost fluent in french.

 --> But then.. one day. you're.. ok. The sun shines again.
You look back and realize those moments.. are what make you know you're alive. Real. A creature of emotion and strength. Not just a body of cells going through the motions.

..On the flip side. Beautiful moments. Maybe that year you worked at Whistler or that one summer you went to Maryland. You fell in love, felt careless and genuinely happy. You did something you loved, stepped outside of your comfort zone, learned something, felt.. proud of yourself. Yes I'm here because of me.. and I deserve it. You helped people. They told you.. that.. you changed their life. What? I'm important to someone that is important to me? You have your first tears of happiness, this really exists? This isn't just Hollywood. You don't think it can get better.. but then.. it does. How did I get this lucky. You met soul mates, not just the romantic kind. You find yourself catching fire flys at dusk and watching you're first lighting storm. Someone takes your hand and says I love you, not wanting anything in exchange. Your heart is bursting with joy.

 -->But then.. reality calls
You find yourself getting ready for bed and itunes plays a song that makes you feel nostalgic. It hurts.. I miss.. those times of feelings real. Pain or joy.

So then I find myself blogging way past my bedtime. Cherishing pain and joy. Those emotions that make us real, and point in the direction of something greater then we will ever be able to explain.

Cherish them.

The best decision of my life

 FYI: you wont get a majority of this is you weren't a camp counselor.. but you most likely will appreciate the story..

One night in the winter of 2005 I researched some summer jobs that involved something with horses and I stumbled upon being a camp counselor.. applied.. and got the job.

Best decision of my life.

In the three summers I was a camp counselor I have met people from all over the world, impacted numerous young minds and had amazing summers free of alcohol as a tool of fun. People who decide to become a camp counselor are a breed of their own. We are usually outgoing, well traveled, happy souls who loves kids. To be surrounded by people of this type for summer at a time is just what the heart needs. I have learned so much about myself and life for that matter by such an under-rated summer job. I realize that doing something for others is most rewarding, that when I show love and respect to a child, their trust and admiration is more genuine because of there innocence. To this day I keep in touch with almost everyone I was close to from every year of camp. It's such a special friendship, most of my camp friends being from different countrys, time differences and long distance charges keep us from being up to date on every aspect of each others lives, but still after 6 months to even a year of not talking, if someone is in town, they are as good as family. I guess we understand each other on a different level. No one else understands what "purple" really means, the words to the moose song, creativity of the use of duck tape or the value of sharpy's. living in close quarters is on a different level and so is being dirty. The appreciation of a good meal and coffee for that matter humbles us. Camp is like a bubble, 140 camp counselors, eating, sleeping, working and playing with in a few square miles, you become closer to someone a lot faster then any other situation. We all are here for the same reason, doing the same thing, all from different places in the world and all we have is each other.
We wake up at 6am, go to staff meeting, half awake listen to the weather for that day and things to be aware of. We Laugh at silly praises such as bobby saving me from burning down the dining hall and rolling our eyes when Kari asks for another prayer for her mom's cousin's friend's dog. The specialty staff heads down to the barn, ropes course or waterfront to prepare for the day while the cabin counselors somehow find a genuine love for flag pole every morning and turn their kids into superheros or pirates using beach towels and face paint. Meals are always interesting, 600 people in one building, eating at the same time, not to mention singing is almost equivalent to a cup of coffee, almost. My days at camp usually consisted of teaching fitness, spicing it up with Ben or Brandi with some neon spandex and dancing our way into "x-treme fitness". Followed by convincing my little JV campers how to ride a horse and that the horse isn't going to bit them, kick them, run off or flat out not like them. After I put our petrified 8 year old on our close to dead horse (M&M) that barely walks, she feels more comfortable and is happy as a calm at the end of the lesson, thinking she rode a horse when really M&M is a 35 year old horse that wants nothing more then to walk in a circle and never go any faster. The rest of the day is usually at the barn, cleaning stalls, teaching lessons, leading trail rides and riding horses that need a talking to. Evening programs are the best part of the day, night time brings cool weather and this is when the kids go crazy. Capture the flag, dances, staff basketball games, skits or the weekly dance party. When evening programs are over we head back to our cabins, brushing teeth and putting on PJ's seems to be rocket science with older girls when all they want to do is talk about boys, eat candy and sit in everyones bed accept their own. Most of the time they manage to figure it out, and we finish the day with "happys and crappys" (something you loved about the day, you didnt like and another loved about the day).
and that's just the camp part of it. Weekends off with the rest of the counselors meant going to New York City, Baltimore or Philadelphia, then coming back to camp to have a bon fire on the Chesapeke Bay and falling asleep on the beach. Beautiful summers.

Then.. 

This photo was taken in the summer of 2007. After camp ended a group of us went to Florida: Sweden, Scotland, New Zealand, Germany, Australia, Canada and America all represented under one roof. Then a few months later being inspired by these amazing people, I left the country for the first time.. and my life has never been the same. Travel is something that is and will forever be at the top of my list. I owe so much to River Way Ranch Camp and Sandy Hill Camp for making me the person I am and giving me opportunity's and "memories and friendships to last a lifetime".
I sit here reminiscing about something that is my past, but now so much of my future. The places I have gone, people I have met, the best friends I obtained, passions I discovered and qualitys I've acquired, are all linked to these summers. *Grateful

playing with my creative side.. if that exists

I bought an adorable skirt at a recycled clothing store for only $8, I find myself loving a lot of old lady clothes. Some of my favorite clothes are from estate sales. Nothing like a cute and comfy sweater or a loose fitted blouse. Well the skirt was of course an old lady brand and was just past the knees, in need of a major hem. My mom can do all that stuffff and hemmed all my jeans throughout my youth, I took it to her.
Being a mom, she made me do it, as she walked me through it. I use to know all the in's and out's of the sewing machine and simple hand stitching from when I was 14, yes 14. My freshman year of high school I went to Fountain Valley High School in good ol Orange county California. For an elective I took a class called "Fashion Technology", only in California right? But we all were assigned a sewing machine and learned the basics. I remember that our final was to design a line with one featured and three additional. I was very confused at who I was at that age, I was a punk rock listening, horse riding, track running, wanna be rebel child. To say the least, quite awkward. For this "line" I chose a punk theme.
Learning to sew is on my bucket list and hemming my skirt the other day has inspired me. I'm sure my obsession with Project Runway has added to my inspiration as well.. haha. I bought an easy pattern today, I'm not sure how I feel about the fabric I chose but we'll see how it turns out!

monsters

Everyone has insecurities. Everyone.
They drive people to do things that they openly know are wrong, embarrassing, wrong, hurtful etc. We are not robots and are driven by emotion and females tend to be victims of this more so then males. Our parents are also not robots and the first exposure to what emotion is, therefore effecting us for the rest of of lives. <-- [huge reason I don't want kids] I don't want to mess them up. I don't think I need to get into details here, but I know all of you can think of at least one incident where mom or dad said or did something that has effected you to this day. Aside from our gene pools, there's life experiences that also contribute to our little monster in our hearts. so I just wanna say this.. to the girls who take the time to recognize and mend..


I love you. I commend you.

I have a friend that's gorgeous, talented in so many ways, humbled and not to mention one of the few people I can always count on. We all know that girl. We think.. ugh she has it allll together, shes so pretty, her boyfriend is so perfect, her family is so great. I want to be her. Keep in mind that little do we know, she has a monster and we can only hope shes confronting it and that we find envy in ourselves. I know that girl. She's all those things, but she struggles with all aspects. Her biggest being the most confusing, she struggles with image.. hard. What?! But shes gorgeous! Shes so in shape, has amazing clothes and perfect teeth. Shame on me. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. But I love her for recognizing and.. well.. beginning the hard road of confronting herself and mending. This has been quite the encouragement to me because I am currently facing my monster.

Being good enough.
The roots are there, do I want to make that public information.. no. But opening that ugly door in the abyss of my soul.. comforting. I face it in many ways, but hardest is also current. Becoming a nurse is the most important goal in my life. The idea of rejection, failure, inadequacy, is pretty unbearable. Almost to the point I don't want to apply in fear of rejection. Fear is has powerful existence, and luckily my stubborn and bold personality might be enough to surpass the fear, but when judgement day comes in a form of a letter, I hope I can continue to mend..

 "you create your own reality". I live by it.

that weird kid that couldnt eat peanut butter growing up.. I'm that.. In the adult version

I figure I should educate you all on what being gluten intolerant actually is. I have had some pretty hilarious questions like "can you eat eggs?" and "OMG Claire the chips were eating, are made in a factory that also manufactures wheat!!!"

1. I do not have an ALLERGY. So no my throat won't close up, break out in hives and need an epi-pen stabbed in my arm.
2. Gluten is anything made with wheat, barely or rye. Hence I can eat eggs.
3. I too thought my life was over and I couldn't eat anything that tasted good ever again. But surprisingly enough my life didn't end and its actually so much better.

For about a month I went from a girl that doesn't EVER get a headache to constant migraines. Nothing made the migraines go away, Excederine only calmed them down. I was exhausted all the time, it didn't matter how much sleep I got, all I wanted to do is lay in bed. I was drinking an entire pot of coffee a day and did nothing for me, energy drinks were the only thing that made me feel like I could at least get out of bed and go to class. I have always been an active person and at this time my boyfriend had been training me for a good couple of months, so I was in pretty good shape. I went from running 5 miles no problem to barely being able to run one. Muscle fatigue was so intense that I had a hard time walking up the 4 flights of stairs to my criminal justice class. So to say the least I was miserable, frustrated and a little scared. Something was obviously wrong.
For a month I was in and out of doctors, they took blood tests and everything was normal. Their conclusion was depression, and wrote me a prescription. This frustrated me even more, I was definitely not depressed nor was I about to take a pill to cover up the problem. I finally went to a nautropath. After explaining my symptoms they asked if I had done anything different in the past month, actually I had, I had stopped drinking alcohol. They then asked if I was craving salt and thirsty more then normal, and I hadn't thought of it, but I was.
I was diagnosed with non-Addison's hypoadrenia (adrenal gland exhaustion). Basically I did such a good job stressing myself out over school and ex-boyfriends in the past year that I maxed my adrenals. If you don't know much about this lovely organ, its responsible for the release and control of cortisol, adrenaline and hormones which are essential to our body's stressors, normal function of the brain, digestion, blood pressure etc. This makes even more sense to me being a science major and the effects on the cell level that cause the side effects. The most important part of our body and its functioning it the sodium potassium pumps of our cells, this is why dehydration can be fatal and where a hang over comes from, to name a few. Apparently having alcohol in my diet was just enough of a stimulant to keep me going, but also acting as a band aid while the problem got worse. As soon as I cut alcohol out of my diet, my body said "game over" and wanted to stay in bed and heal.

The nautropath explained that because my body was at its most vulnerable point, it wouldnt respond to past stressors such as food intolerance's. She suspected gluten to be adding to my symptoms. At first cutting out gluten was really difficult. My favorite breakfast was bagels and cream cheese, subway was my favorite on the go cheap meal and BEER, oh beer, how I LOVE beer. I started noticing a big difference after about 6 weeks. I still drink beer here and there because its just too damn good. I have found a few that are brewed with rice and although they arent gluten free bc of the barely malt, they dont effect me. I had a full on gluten meal while on my roadtrip a few weeks back, I must say that this diet is obnoxious when on the road. After a few meals of fast food restaurant salads made with non-nutrious iceberg lettuce and a few pieces of less then stisfying chicken, I was tried of being hungry. I caved and bought a subway sandwhich.
The next day we were in Vegas and unfortunately muscle fatigue set in to its fullest and I could have slept on the strip I was so tried. I spare a few other side effects, but to say the least, it SUCKED. It's interesting to me the a food can literally be poisionious to some people. Food allergys are usually linked from genetics or parents. We develop antibodies throughout our todler years and being introduced to foods that we dont have the anibodies to yet= a food allergy. As for intolerances, common ones being wheat, soy, diary, corn. Evolutionary we didnt have these foods in abundance, back in the hunter gather days we eat meat, veg, rice and fruit, with the ocasional few eggs. only the past 10,000 years (which is a small amount since we've been around for millions) have not only ate those products, but in abundance.
Life is so much better cutting out the wheat, not to mention healthy, it keeps the weight off for sure. Luckily I dont have an allergy so I'll have a beer here and there. I have way more energy then I've ever had, my bummed knee feels better, no food coma feeling anymore, all around much happier. Thinking about going gluten free? My favorite meals:
-rice bowls with corn,beans, avocado, salsa and sour cream
-hardy salads
-tuna warped in lettuce leafs
-TONS of mexican food, carnitas tacos??
-sushi
-steamed veggies with chicken
-being in lovely Portland we have Bobs Red Mill that makes gluten free pancake mix, brownie, cookie etc
-quinoa, kinda like rice but better AND they make gluten free pasta out of this stuff and its goodddd


I probably explained a bit more then necessary, but there ya go, now youre educated.

home sweet home

I have been incredibly blessed to have had yet another summer of a lifetime. Summer River trip, Canada boyfriend trip, USA Road trip, Fionna visits, Trifecta Canada Trip and my finale: Lady GaGa.Now that I have finally unpacked all my clothes, put away the vodka and caught up on much needed sleep, I have time to take it all in.

I moved into a new house with three awesome girls in the Hawthorne district. I love it. I haven't lived in a house for a long time, I forgot how nice it is to have a backyard, a WASHER AND DRYER, front porch. My house is purple and truqoise, I think it fits me and everyone else in the house well. The front porch is my new refuge, nice comfy couch, a cup of coffee and Miles to keep my feet warm (Julias dog). This is home.

Lady GaGa

Neil: "Claire Lady GaGa is coming to Portland in August!"
Me: "OMG Neil, it would be like a night at CC's coming alive"

Tickets sold out within 24 hours, not to mention seats were prcied up to $300. I called radio stations to win tickets and looked on craigslist, both were fails. I was stoked when Neil told me he found tickets. His friend that had bought everyone's ticket for the gays, wasn't getting compensated, so I jumped on it.

My mom and I even bought an extra for my brothers birthday present. eek! My brother and I are 12 years apart, so we are finally at the age we can really be friends. After litterally half a year of waiting for this glorious moment, August 19th arrived. The concert was more then I could have hoped, I was the perfect drunk and with some of my favorite people. Most people see her as just another pop artist, and I agree, "Pokerface" got REALLY old. I dont even listen to the radio and I felt like I heard it 20 times a day. But honestly, to those of you who havent taken the time to really study her brillance, shes actually extremely intelligent as a person and a muscian. Her music videos all tell a story, that read deeper then a large hat and sexy back up dancers. I'll leave you to decide what the deeper meaning is. During her show she stopped twice to briefly talk about serious issues that she believes deeply in, she made me heart melt. Two people I love deeply happen to be gay. Lady GaGa happens to support gay rights with her heart and soul, during the concert she talked about how to of her dancers are in love and hope to some day get married, but marriage is difficult for them because they both happen to be males. I grew up in an unique home when it comes to this issue. My parents knew Travis was gay by the age of 5, and growing up my parents acted as though it was normal, because it is. I'm grateful I grew up in a home that I never had the option of questioning homosexuality. GaGa also empowered the audience with words of change, that our generation is bringing a new way of thinking and living. I love her and I love that her and I are the same age. Neil, Carly and I were dressed superbly and we didnt hesitate to take photos with randoms all night. Seems a bit coinceded but we were in GaGa mode, the mode o floving ourselves. The camp counselor came out of me at one point, three beautiful high schoolers were sitting behind us with their moms, and melted my heart. Something about that age 13-17ish that draws me to them, and gives me a sense of joy and compassion and probably the reason I was a damn good counselor. I told their moms they were the coolest moms ever and got to know the girls a bit better. They were both interested in going into the health field which of course made me love them even more, they played sports, made fun of me for being drunk and seemed like all around awesome young girls that are truly enjoying being young. My years of being a camp counselor showed me that so many young girls are trying to grow up way to fast. Those years around the age of 16 are hard, but unlike any age. youthful, free, careless, it makes me so happy to see girls that are loving their age and taking advantage of it. Also to see parents that are obviously doing a good job. At the end of the concert they asked for a photo with me and I told them to add me on facebook. Once again another experience affriming my passion, I can't wait to work with kids.

The afterparty was amazing, it was at the refuge and the venue had a rad futuristic vibe. Being on my continuous GaGa happy high, I talked to everyone, the limo driver, the gays, and even the security that wouldnt go let us see GaGa. It was a fabulous night with fabulous people and a fabulous way to end my fun for the summer.

"I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish." -Lady GaGa

The epic American road trip: the intro

I went to Australia last September with no expectations and lots of adventure. I wasn't looking for a relationship or even a romantic interest in Australia, but it found me. We both went into it realistically, knowing that our homes and citizenship were an ocean apart. I'm so grateful our ideals coincided quite beautifully and 10 months later we are about to embark on a 2.5 week road trip around the western part of the states. Now matter what happens with this boy, I have no regrets and SO MANY amazing memories.

While in Australia, Ben took the role of the boyfriend tour guide. I'm so grateful for this, knowing I got to see a lot more then your average backpacker not to mention with good company. I'm stoked I have gotten to return the favor in showing him around California, Oregon and Washington. So now we are taking off in the next hour to trek around 14 states, checking a few things off the bucket list, visiting friends and family along the way and seeing the beautiful world around me. It's funny how you neglect the wonders in your own country.

My travel ESSENTIALS..
[x] journal and pen (never a pencil)
[x] reading material: The irresistible revolution
[x] camera
[x] ipod
[x] string for friendship bracelets

lets go..

12:02am

wow.
If someone would have told me a year ago, that I would be in this position, this SAME position, I wouldn't be impressed. And I'm definitely not, but at the same time, not surprised.
I'd like to think (like everyone else) that we grow up, move on, let go, learn, challenge ourselves, be torn down and be built back up. I'm grateful for all the good and even the bad that comes into my life, lessons have been learned, understanding has been brought and patience has been acquired. But one situation has replayed over and over like a not funny version of "Ground Hogs Day" and when Bill Murray finally gets "his way", it always starts over. I have honestly tried everything to make "my way", and I have even tried the less favorable way, because I just want to wake up and it be the day AFTER grounds hogs day. But it never does, the clock hits 12:01am and I wake up in my shitty hotel room and the snow is still on the ground.
He says the same thing, and so do I. But it doesn't matter because at 12:01am everything starts over, except I'm the only one that seems to really re-live it. Although I don't even care about the stupid ground hog anymore, I'm STILL waking up every day and every day is ground hogs day. I'm tried of hearing the same people say the same things, everything is static, wheres the movement? I've tried all the ways to make it through the day, ignored it, hated it, loved it, all for the clock to continue pass 12:01am, but it always restarts. How do I get to the next day? Hopefully Bill Murray and I will end up in the same boat, and I will finally get the "right" day, or maybe the ground hog will finally give up.

I could cry from how much I love you

soul mate- n. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. a person with whom one has a strong affinity. Biology. the phylogenetic relationship between two organisms or groups of organisms resulting in a resemblance in general plan or structure, or in the essential structural parts. Chemistry. the force by which atoms are held together in chemical compounds.

I only knew what affinity meant from my biology classes, so I looked up and definition and decided to include the bio/chem version because we all know how much I love science and everything it stands for. Especially in this circumstance..
There are some things that I know will be a part of my life and somethings I get the feeling that wont. I never put to much thought into this until a friend of mine told me he gets the feeling that he won't live long, that he can't see his life past age 35. I get that. I don't see myself "settling down" any time soon, not even in the next 10 years, its not that I don't necessarily want that, I just don't see it. One thing I know is that certain people will be in my life for a long time. It's beyond straight up emotions, it's chemical, magical, unexplainable.

I know not a lot of people have experienced this, and I'm not even going to try to describe it. But I will say this... a soul mate is not limited to a boy and girl romantic relationship. I find purpose, truth, contentment, simplicity, beauty, focus when those atoms line up just right. A dose of Canada was just what I needed and always need and will forever have. I love it when life smacks you in the face and says "hey, you're blessed ok? Remember that. Stop being selfish and lead be example. You're better then this, more then this, wiser then this, be better".

My weekend was all about laughing and loving with my soul mates. Sunsets with the view of Vancouver, swimming in green pools of melted snow, acquiring the first summer tan (in Canada?), cheap wine with a hint of board games. Skating, bike riding, guitar playing, church going, gluten free cookie indulging bliss. Thank you America's hat for a good one. We shall play again.


sorry Rena.. I love showing you off: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4izUWRdrqs

Sunriver 2010

Amazing weekend, with my amazing friends. A huge group of us rented a house for the weekend to embrace summer and celebrate 23 years of life in honor of Caitlin and Rylee. I'm blessed.

Forever a college student

Hey, remember when facebook was only for college students, before your grandma could get one and not even community college student could have it, straight up university? I remember being STOKED that I could finally get rid of oh so uncool myspace and have facebook because I WAS A REAL UNIVERSITY STUDENT. I enjoy that I look back to my very first album on facebook being my first year at PSU, and 69 photo albums later I write this blog and realize facebook is the holder of my college experience.. I like that.

I choose PSU because I didn't want the typical state school, Greek life, where your school is your life. I wanted a more liberal school where I could meet people with similar interests to mine, that was in a city, but not like God forsaken So-Cal from where I was coming. I moved to Portland knowing one person, Misty who is ironically still conquering school with me. But now, after 4 years, I have created quite a life for myself. Joining student groups was the first thing I did, and one of the better choices I have made in my life thus far. We would register people to vote, educate people on climate change, go to leadership workshops and when we reached our goal we would get drunk and talk politics. Amazing.

Taking time off to travel was the best thing I could have done for myself for numerous reasons. But in the sense of school, I feel re-energized and decided I'm close to graduating, might as well. So nowwww my plan is to graduate Spring 2011 with a bachelors in social science and minor in photography,also all my nursing school pre-reqs in which I will then head to whatever nursing school wants me the following Fall. When my friends older then me started to graduate, I was like, wow college is coming to an end, then everyone my age graduated and NOW my younger friends and fellow 5 year seniors are graduated. I attended the graduation partys drank the champagne and I felt really old. Although I'm finishing last, I smile at my time at PSU, and the reflection process is in full swing..

Don't get me wrong, I definitely was educating myself on a mass amount of issues, but I was also taking part in the stupidity of a young college student. I lived in the dorms, I did kegs stands, I kissed boys I shouldn't have, I snuck into bars, I got drunk a lot and the result? I swam in fountains, snowboarded down stairs, built beer can towers in front of churches, yelled obscenities, trespassed, obtained un-necessary scars, carried to bed. I'm surprised I didn't die to be honest, one example being our famous yuka tradition in the Dorms at good ol West Hall. After finals every term we filled this FOUR tubs full of yuka which is 4 bottles of coconut vodka, 4 bottles of lime vodka, lemons and limes, ice and four bags of sugar. This event was usually held in my room or Laken's and we charged for anyone who wanted a straw. There was usually around 15 of us and on the count of three we surrounded the tubs, stuck our straw in and drank until it was gone. Stupid? yes. Regret it? not at all.
I write this now, because I realize college for me, is over in the sense of growing up. Generally starting a new level of school and finishing it whether it be middle school, high school or college, is always looked at as a new chapter in life. After that being a career, marriage, having children, etc. Although I won't have the piece of paper stating I put enough sweat and blood into college until next year, I'm absolutely, completely and totally beyond the sense of accomplishment with the past four years on the level of learning, the type you don't get from books.

Misty is one of my really good friends, we've been friends since we were 5! I don't get to see her that much because shes pre-med, but when finals are done we have our typical coffee at the usual spot, Park Cafe. When finals near, I start harassing her and get super excited, its like a sister relationship where I'm the annoying little sister who looks up to the older one and just wants to hang out all the time. haha. This time around of catching up Misty told me something that resulted in this blog. Misty is a mentor at PSU and has a class of freshman. After having those students for a whole year she asked them on the last day "how have you changed since your first day at PSU?" One girls response was "nothing has changed since the length of my hair, I date the same guy, live in the same place, have the same job and I go to the same school". WOW.

College is what you make it, change and growth only happens if you allow it to. Sure I could have stayed in my comfort zone at home and attended the nearest state school and kept my high school friends close but thats not what I wanted. I wanted to live on my own, new people, new city, new life, anything but comfort. It is hard for me to understand those who literally choose to forever stay in that comfort zone. Who don't utilize their time being young and something that offers endless amounts of ideas, knowledge, new people and beer.. haha. It's an incredible feeling working hard towards a GOAL, not just going to school to get the piece of paper, because going to college is what everyone else is doing.

Sacrificing your social life, drinking way to much caffefine, studying HARD, take the exam, rock it and walk out feeling exhausted but the sense of accomplishment is a bit addictive. I study about 30-40 hours a week, hence why I dont have a job. I get good grades and never let anything get in the way of that. I finished my last sequence of Ed's Anatomy and Physiology class, which I can't describe the pain of his class. Getting a B is like getting an A++ in any other class. I managed to be a part of a rad study group this term, its nice to have some moral support in the difficulty for studying for the exams. On Tuesday after our final, Ed even found his way to our campus bar and had a drink with us :)
We celebrated for real on Friday to the end of the term with a much needed night out , I love my science kids. Yes we took a "team photo".. world meet your future health care professionals..

I will be DONE with science after this summer.. finally!

dailys with mike degrow

these daily's put a lil hop in my step

gemini

My mom was that mom that threw the RAD themed birthdays. Ballerinas, jungle madness, cowgirls, luau and the infamous slumber party's, mine were kinda legendary. The handful of childhood friends that I do have, to this day pull out the ol "remember that one time at your birthday..". Not to mention I was the first to have a birthday party were we did the oh so scandalous "tping", but little did we know my mom had discussed it before hand with what ever boys house was the victim.

Well I missed those days.. and relived it this past weekend. BBQ, pinata, games,  party hats, bubbles, play-do and beer pong, oo that one doesn't fit. So just a few of my favorite people, low key and gangster status. I'm pretty blessed with the friends I have in Portland andddd all over the world. All of them so different and always interesting when I have a gathering like this because these people of all different backgrounds and interest, only come to together on these events. It makes me laugh that there's always a ton of introduction or "yea i met you at Claire's... last year". A few times a year I can drag my girls, snowboarding homies, my atheist best friend, homofied NYC boy, God's best friend, high school friends, blister loving rock climber, childhood friends, photo snappin nomad and fellow friends who frequent science classes.. allll together. All so different, all so great.

That variety of gifts was amazing. Everyone had gotten me something from a memory and certain thing the know about me, therefore all being so different.  On thought of this blog of birthday, I turn to recognition my wonderfully crazy zodiac sign of gemini. It makes sense that my key traits of being a gemini are change loving, people loving, freebird like tendency to have this variety in my life.

oh and happy belated birhday to RENA MURRAY. Not an accident that we were born one year and one day apart.

being a branch